I really need some good advice! Please help me ...??? Serious answers please!?

Question

Okay so I have been married for 4 years & we have been together for 8 years all together. I have never really been the working type & he knew that, well after we moved away from our hometown I got a job and kept it for a little over 2 yrs which was a first. Well 2 years ago we had a baby together, then I kept on working till up to 8 months ago. He told me I could stay home just as long as I keep his house clean and take care of our daughter which is understandable. Well I take care of our daughter & I clean the house up. I don't keep it spotless or anything but I try to keep it looking at least half way nice. Well now he is telling me that I'm not doing worth a damn at cleaning his house & all that stuff. So now for the last 3 days he has been ignoring me unless it's about his work or our daughter and today I asked him to show me some love and he said I didn't deserve it. I asked him if he still loved me & he said I'm just a stay at home mom for his daughter. What can I do to fix this?

Oh and also I know that he does still love me he just doesn't want to show it to me right now. If this helps at all I'm 22 years old and he is 25 years old. We have had fights about this before it just never got to the point of him saying that I'm just a live in mother for his daughter. I really need some advice but please don't tell me to end the relationship because I really want to fix it if at all possible!

So far good answers expect for a couple that are being jerks! Just to also let you know he has been working nights for the last 3 weeks and doubles at least once or twice a week. So it ain't like I can be loud during the day because he yells about it. Also we aren't short on money neither he gets paid $20 an hour and about to get a raise in a few more months. Oh and he told me that I wouldn't have to go back to work as long as I keep up the house, which by the way I'm suppose to start painting the house soon, so I have been online looking for colors and stuff for the last couple of days so that kinda made me where I wasn't cleaning, plus I was trying to find insurances for our daughter!

Also my daughter is daddy's little girl, so when he is gone at night and sleeping during the day all she does is want me to love on her and take care of her because she is whinning and upset because she misses her daddy. So sometimes it's hard for me to clean because when I try she is pulling on my pants and/or shirt trying to get me to give her attention. I tell my husband that and he says that I'm lying to him about it. Normally he does respect me by the way, I know a lot of you are saying that he doesn't respect him. He just gets mad when the house isn't spotless which with a 2 year there is at least going to be toys on the floor!

Answer 1

You two really need a heart-to-heart, honest talk. Sometimes it helps to have a third person there, like a therapist, just to keep the conversation on track and to keep you from attacking each other.

It sounds like you are probably both stressed and disappointed in each other. You admit you could do a better job with the house. He could do a better job, too. The grass always seems greener on the other side, so keep that in mind.

Maybe you're not doing the best with the house because you're tired and burnt out. Maybe he's not doing the best with the relationship for the same reason. Neither of you is behaving well.

I think people need to hear the following things to believe their relationship has meaning:

1. Sincere "I love you"
2. Listening without judging or offering a solution
3. Admit your mistakes and make a specific plan to do better
4. I understand
5. What can I do for you?

When someone says something to you, ignore what they said specifically and instead point out their emotion...then they feel like you're really listening.

Like this...

"Today work sucked. The boss was a real jerk."

Don't say, "What did you do to set him off?" Or "I had a bad day, too."

Say: "So, you're frustrated?"

Be helpful and kind. Maybe he'll reciprocate.

Answer 2

I tell everyone to have a hidden bank account. If this creep leaves you at least you have some money of your own. When he starts complaining I'd say well I guess we could hire someone to come clean the house, that will cost $10 an hour.

Anyway you are not just a stay at home mom, you are his wife and deserve to be treated well. You are with him because you want to be there and because you care about both your husband and daughter. You are not a maid or just a friend who's there to clean house and take care of his child.

I would ask him to be honest and tell you why he's unhappy, I think there's something more than just not liking the way you keep house. Maybe it's a money problem or he has problems at work. As a wife you are his best friend and you should get an honest answer from him.

Answer 3

The first thing you need to do is not think of yourself as "just a stay at home mom" living in "his house." Being a SAHM is one of the toughest jobs you will ever have. Many people have a problem understanding that it is not all fun and games, men and women alike. With a two year old under foot, it is going to be especially difficult to keep the house spotless. Have you tried sitting your husband down and explaining a typical day to him? He may not realize just how often you are going along behind your daughter picking up toys. Another thing to think about is that he might be jealous of the time that you get to spend with your daughter that he doesn't. I'm guessing that he works at least forty hours a week, probably leaving before your daughter is up for the day, and maybe even getting home after she goes to sleep, depending on his hours. Even if he works an eight hour day, he still likely only has a couple of hours each day with her. Maybe you could find a nice way to bring that up with him, and possibly suggest a father/daughter day where he gets to spend more time with her, just the two of them. If he is game for that, it might help him to realize how difficult your typical day can be as well. Hang in there and good luck!

Answer 4

First of all, you DO have a job. Being a housewife is a full-time job. However, since that is the job that you and your husband agreed upon, then it is your duty to have the house spotless, food cooked, children taken care of, etc. Yes, I know that it is a very hard job, which is why I choose to work outside the home. But, just like an outside job, you have to give being a housewife your all. You can't just "take off" whenever you get ready. You can't do anything "halfway nice". I think that your husband needs to express to you how he's feeling, because the silent treatment is childish. There's a difference between being a housewife and merely "not working" and staying home. There's a lot of work to do.... laundry, dishes, etc. Your husband shouldnt have to do any housework if you're at home all day everyday unless you're doing some volunteer work somewhere.

Answer 5

Firstly, I have an issue with you saying you 'aren't the working type' - hello! Get off your ***.

I'm a single mother, I work a full time job - ie. forty hours a week, AND I'm studying to become a secondary school teacher.

By the way - I manage to keep my house TOTALLY clean despite all those other committments. none of this 'semi-clean' bollocks.

You need to shape up lady. I KNOW taking care of a two year old is hard work - I've had one (she's now five), but that's NOT an excuse.

There is also probably a lot of resentment on his side in terms of what he sees as you having a 'cushy' job - he probably doesn't realise how difficult it is to take care of kids, but he's probably also stressed at being the sole provider.

Do your family a favour - put your kid in daycare a couple days a week (it will be good for their linguistic and social development anyway) and get a part time job.

Answer 6

Wow, you sound just like my fiance's ex.....notice how I said EX.

I'm sorry, but if you can't handle to take care of your child AND keep up your end of the bargain, they how in the HELL can you expect him to not be frustrated with you?!?!

And $20/hr REALLY isn't all that much to raise a family. Sure, maybe it is now, but your daughter i going to get more expensive as she gets older.

And I don't believe anyone is not 'the working type.' That's a load of bullsh*t. I'm not going to lie, once I have children I would like to be a SAHM, BUT, I'm not going to say 'i'm not the working type'...I just think I could raise my own children better than a daycare! I want to be responsible for my family, not a room full of strangers!! If those are your feelings, then great! HOWEVER, don't say stupid things like 'i'm not the type to work' or whatever. That's pretty lame.

And yes, a two year old is a handfull. My future step daughter is at that age and she DOES need attention. That's how they are at that age, they require it for proper development and whatnot. But ya know what? If you weren't ready to have a child and for the responsibilities that it would require....maybe you should have invested in some rubbers.

And my fiance's ex always has problems with their daughter whining for daddy......that really doesn't have anything to do with her being a daddy's girl....just more of mommy not being a very good mother...

Answer 7

I'm a mom to three a 11 and 9 year old and a 4 month old. I do keep house real close to spotless. My husband and I both work "me part time". My husband EXPECTS A clean house to come home to. He also will do laundry vacume dust what ever to keep the house nice. As long as my husband puts his effort in also I go the extra mile to do the rest. If your hubby dose nothing to keep the house the way he wants it then he should not expect you to do everything. It is a 50 50 thing. No one person can do it all you need to tell him you would do more if he helped do some things.

Answer 8

As he goes to work everyday for his family, you should keep your end of the bargain. Sit down with him and ask him what is important to him as far as the house goes...create a list. He shouldn't be ignoring you over a dirty house, but maybe he feels like that is your "job". I have 5 kids, work full time, keep a clean house, do the finances, and maintain a happy marriage - so I know it can be done. Just find the balance. Try marriage counseling, it will help you two communicate. Not sure of your religion, but you may find your Church offers marriage services like Marriage Encounters, and such. I wish you luck, the fact you are saying "how can I fix this" speaks mountains of the type of person you are - more people need this attitude in marriage!

Answer 9

Working nights is very stressful to some people. When ever he gets some time off and some rest sit down and talk to him. He does sound as though he is being selfish. Being a "stay at home mom" is not an easy job. You have very little adult interaction and trying to do normal cleaning with a two year old is difficult. Explain to him how you feel. You love him and he needs to know that, but he also needs to know how you are feeling. Pray and Ask God for direction.

God bless and best wishes!

Answer 10

I disagree with everyone on here. Your husband is out there making a living for the 3 of you. Only one household income nowadays is a lot of pressure. You`re 22 years old, young, healthy and full of energy how come this house is only kept halfway nice? Staying home mom IS a job not a free pass. Your house should be nice and welcoming, clothes should be nice and fresh is the closet, dinner should be well planned and ready at a fixed hours. This is your job, be proud of it and do it the best you can, isn't it what you would do if you were working in an office. Your husband loves you and he wants you to make a home out of your house. Good luck
(I`m not saying to be a slave i`m saying if you want to be a mom at home put your heart into it, you will still have lots of time to do all kinds of things for yourself and your daughter)