Need Divorce Help!!!?

Question

My wife and I have been married for five years. After a couple years worth of ups and downs and an inability to communicate effectively through what I think are some pretty normal marital problems, my wife decided a couple of months ago that she wanted a divorce. The decision came on the heels of a seemingly insignificant argument. We have gone to counseling only a couple of times and we have briefly lived separately which really amounted to me being home all the time, but sleeping somewhere else; not a whole lot changed – this is the extent of our therapy. My wife is adamant that she wants this divorce and will seek no further therapy, advice, or anything that would suggest the contrary; she also refuses a stricter trial separation to really test the waters. We have a 3 year old son and I’m trying to avoid this from happening but believe its now out of my hands. I’ve tried to amicably hash out a separation agreement and she is trying to secure a refinance on our house but I think she’s sort of dragging her feet. She got really upset the other night when we were talking about how we would divide our belongings. Oddly, if the subject doesn’t come up, watching us you would never know we were seriously contemplating divorce. Except for there being no outward affection everything is normal and we get along fine. I’m really concerned about how well she has thought this through and if her feelings could change once the ink dries, which I think, is likely to happen. She recently turned 33 and I believe she is having a premature mini mid-life crisis which plays some role in this decision. She’s at the point where she does not want the daily responsibilities of being a wife, mother, etc. She would rather be shopping, dinning, or partying to the sun comes up with friends.

I’ve been an outstanding husband and father and have really gone through a lot of grief standing idly by, taking care of my son, while she’s pursuing what makes her happy (above), but feel in my heart that if she thought this through she would see it’s not our only alternative, with help we could overcome this. Unfortunately I have not been able to rule out an emotional (maybe more) attachment elsewhere, can’t be sure. Talking to her has gotten me nowhere; she’s very proud (especially with me) and half the time she says A but really means B. She has expressed concerns to her friends that have gotten back to me and although it made me feel better knowing she still had some feelings, these concerns weren’t show stoppers. What would be the best course of action right now? Should I kill her with kindness and love and see if I can’t clear up some of her confusion in a good way? Should I make it easy for her to proceed with a divorce? Should I sit tight and I wait it out? Is she confused as to what she really wants or am I kidding myself? Anyone out there who regretted their decision to divorce? Do any women even identify? I need some advice!

I've had two comments question my sincerity and that's completely cool. My wife will be the first to tell you the person I've been and she'd agree with what I've said - she's told me several times. That's what get's me so confused and makes me really rationalize this as best I can and really search out answers from those who have gone before me. I agree with one response that's there's more to the story, I know my wife - I just can't put the peices together. If I've done all I think I can do and it's just not doing for her, then it's not in the cards. Just looking for a little insight, that's all.

Answer 1

I am sorry to hear that this is happening. You obviously love her. Unfortunately there is nothing you can do. She has already made the decision. I made the same one as she did a while ago and it was hard but it was worth it. Our seperation was also amicable and I do not think he saw it coming either. There are other issues at play with her that she has not told you. As much as it hurts, she has already left. You must stand tall and follow through. If you stayed together and she agreed to a counciller, the problem would arise again. It has before. Move on. SORRY!

Answer 2

Unfortunately, I have a real strong feeling we are only getting one side of the story here which happens most often. Im getting the feeling that youre not the perfect husband as you would like us to believe and are simply looking for some sympathy and loving attention here. What leads me to believe this is that shes still around and has tried counseling with you several times and nothing fatal comes from it. You may actually be the problem and not the innocent victim as you pretend to be. Problem marriages like this take two to do this, so in reality i think she is actually the one putting up with all the crap and is trying to save it. Another tell tale sign is your comment on how you two present yourselfs together in public. Im not saying she isnt a part of the problem but she certainly isnt the problem all by herself. You may be causing her to act this way as a way to get you to change an unwanted attitude or whatever. You just dont ealize what the problem is and therefore dont know how to react to her actions. I dont see a disasterous marriage here but actually two spouses not quite in synch with each other otherwise you two would be divorced despite of your son. Also mid ages may be playing a part in this but its only an excuse to the bigger problem. You two just needto stop acting like little kids and have a really serious talk about things, maybe on a getaway weekend and I think you guys will be surprised at the results. In other words you two need to get away fromyour present environment and place things back into a new perspective and get out of the rut you guys are in. If Im wrong here, and I dont think I am, then I deeply apologize for my answer. Good luck

Answer 3

Well, first of all I'm sorry for your strife becuase nobody gets married to divorce. It's hard. What I really see as a red flag is when you say that you two had ups and downs and problems that seemed to be "normal" for marriage. The thing I think you need to understand is that there is no "what you think is normal" or what she thinks is "normal" becuase the normalicy that we know is what we've developed over our child hood years and our years before our partners. So when she sees a problem, no doubt, it's a problem. If you don't, you discount her feelings and concerns and in turn discount her as a person. Marital counseling helps but I find it's best to also get one on one counseling. I see that you say you were relieved to hear that she even had any feelings about a situation. She sounds like she may not know how to communicate her feelings well or to you, specifically. You may have the best intentions, it sounds like you're trying, but there is something else to do (not always something more, but something different that can work). You two need to learn how to be better as individuals and work out your own concerns (hence, one on one counseling) and then learn how to cohabitate by going to marital counseling. She doesn't sound like she's done no matter what she says. She got upset when you two were talking about separating possessions. My guess is that it's becuase she wants to cling on to that last, very miniscule bit of hope she has. She may feel that it's more of a fantasy she doesn't want to give up than hope, but it's something. Work with her, don't push her. Ask her what she needs and wants you to be. Say that you want to get to a point where you don't have to ask but right now you know you need to in order to better understand a way that she thinks you can help. Give her your ideas as well. Good luck :-)

Answer 4

If it takes two to agree to marry,. it will take the both of you to keep it together. Heck, its hard enough when both of you want the same thing. How are you going to manage when she wants something completely opposite?

If the two of you have gone to counseling and didn't complete the changes and arrangements to make things better, I think divorce is the next step. Did you really work hard enough to achieve the success it took to make things work out. Perhaps going back looking over the counseling plans to see if there was something left undone.

Romance her, surprise her, become the man you were when you first met her. Since divorce is pending, it really won't hurt to try and fix it if its broke anyway. At least you will know you tried everything in your power to gain her love again.

Perhaps, you are the pearl, cast before swine.

Answer 5

Your wife sounds a lot like myself. My problem was my husband would not own any responsibility for the marriage crumbling...he had his mind made up that it was all my fault and the only way the marriage could have made it was if I let everyone think that any problems we had were all my fault. My husband was selfish and never paid any attention to me until I was sure I wanted a divorce and then came the flowers and attention but it came too late. After four years of counseling he admitted to the therapist that he was waiting for him to make some changes in me but thought he was the perfect husband. You might want to do some real deep thinking and make sure you are the perfect husband you think you are.

Answer 6

I'm sorry, but I DO doubt your story. You went into great detail, and great length; and used lots neat phrases and buzz words, but skipped right past "Some pretty normal marital problems" Half a line- out of 33 lines. Pal, when a guy starts talking like Dr. Phil, I doubt. Were those normal marital problems Cheating? Drugs? Gambling? On line interactive porn? Booze? Perhaps I wrong you. But, if you are as kind, thoughtful, and understandingly compassionate as your post sounds, you'll decide wisely.

Answer 7

hi, nicely no longer humorous, as quickly as I divorced Barbie, confident she had homestead with contence, motor vehicle money interior the financial company! She did no longer get coverage plans, or balls? she gets as a lot of those as she needs. Regards Ken!