Girlfriend and children disagreement?

Question

Is it wrong to be hesitant about continuing a relationship with a longtime girlfreind when we have conflicting timetables on wanting to have children? I've been with my girlfriend for over a year now and we've have our problems (mostly related to my refusing to take it "to the next level", i.e. moving in with her). We've also had a pregnancy scare before (of course we use protection, but she's not on the pill and can be "late" from time to time). After the last one, however, I've been really nervous because I can't see myself with a kid right now, but she doesn't seem nearly as apprehensive to the idea.
Things get heated when we talk about this stuff, mainly because we're both catholic but I'm a bit more liberal than she is. I'm having trouble ignoring the little voice in my head telling me I should bail while I still have no obligations...

Answer 1

Look--I'm going to babble.....a little inside scoop, its a studied fact that many young women have the tendency to "accidentally" get pregnant...AND this is on an unconscious basis; they forget to take the pill, they don't protect themselves, whatever. We are more or less hardwired for it...this is why she is less apprehensive; she is effectively ready for the whole enchalada. She has given you "the talk" and not let you bring up the topic of commitment, instead. Guys panic when this happends. Guys, on the other hand...want all their ducks set up in a row, before they have children. Anglo cultures are notorious for this, such as...when you get married, you are normally ready to have children, you have a good job, etc., etc.

You might really want to take a good step back before you bail. You might want to ask yourself several questions. Is the only reason that you are bailing, because of your disagreement on when to have children? If you don't want to have any children AT ALL, you had better tell her now, since she has signs to the contrary. Bail while you still have no obligations;is it just a case of cold feet? Would you be dumping a really decent and great person? Do you have a background, morals, values, etc., in common? Do you not see yourself married to this person, at this point, not even remotely? A 'year' is usually enough time to spend with someone to give you a gut feeling as toward a 'yes' or 'no' to this question. Trust your gut. You have to have to have confidence and control in the contraception that you are using. She can 'forget' to take the pill, OK? Its not that you shouldn't trust her, people do forget, even if they make it as much of a habbit as possible. Also, some people are less sensitive to the pill than others. I have a friend that has 6 kids, most of them conceive on the use of some form of contraception.

Honestly, you are never ready for a child. And, there is no manual. You don't have to move in with her! Although, people these days seem to think that its how relationships progress. I don't live with my bf. I have kids (young kids), and he has older (grown up and out). We live in different areas, and we miss each other terrible. I'm not sure myself, where our relationship will lead us, but I don't see myself with anyone else and we have effectively told each other, "your it, babe." I do know that if you are having second thoughts--that if you don't see yourself with her for a WHILE (for life) at this point...its time to let her go, being fair to her. Be true to yourself and to her.

Answer 2

Speaking as a mother of two children, I will say without hesitation, that having them is one of the most challenging, life-changing things EVER! I love being a parent, love my children - but the commitment required to be a GOOD parent is huge. The impact you have on this human being's life is enormous and shouldn't ever be taken lightly. By remaining with your girlfriend, feeling the way you do - you are risking more than your own potential unhappiness with your future, should you get pregnant - you are also risking having a child that you might not treat with the same love and commitment you would treat a child that came from a more stable and willing partnership.

I believe very strongly in listening to your own inner voice, and if you feel that this is not the person with which you would like to have children, then, please, don't waste either or your time, gently break it off and just walk away. Or, at the very least, take a break, stop having sex, and work out some of these underlying issues first. Maybe try some counselling together, if you think it is worth working through.

I don't believe in soulmates, I just believe that there are many different people that you can fit with, and maybe she's just not one of them. Maybe it's bad timing, or you're just in different places right now and have different priorities. Although she may not feel it - you are doing both of you a favour by not being with her and setting her free to be with someone that might love her and accept her without hesitation.

Answer 3

First of all I do not know what being Catholic has to do with this at all, if you had any respect for your faith or your GOD you would not be having sex before marriage. How can you only believe in some of the rules, the ones that work for you, and not all of them? Realistically I see sex as a more serious commitment than living together!

Second, it appears neither of you have any interest in what the other wants! You are BOTH being really self-centered. If you want ANY relationship, (even in the future) to work the focus cannot be on yourself.

She SHOULD respect your wishes to wait, but you should be honest with her about when you think you will be ready. Chances are if neither of you is willing to compromise than there isn't really love left or maybe there never was any love in the relationship to begin with!

As far as having no obligations, that is ridiculous! At the very least you are obligated to honesty and respect to her and her feelings otherwise you are just an ***, which I am not saying you are... but when you are in any level of a relationship, friendship, romantic or otherwise their is always obligation! And many people should get used to that idea!!! Having friends and loved ones is a wanted obligation if you ask me. You must have a lot of friends and people in your life to not care how you treat some of them. She obviously thinks very highly of you to want to have your children that should at the very least be seen as a compliment!!!

I will not tell you to split...because I believe that most relationships can be salvaged if both parties want to work hard! Are you a hard worker?

Answer 4

Do you really LOVE this girl, or are you 'not really sure' and are using this question of 'when to have children' as a way to 'decide' it's time for you to leave because it's the 'leaving' that you really want to do. Oh, I'm sorry, but you COULD BE JUST SCARED to be a 'parent' at your age, and you and your girlfriend are 'having all of your disagreements' on that ... but did you know that it is 'far more common' for the MALE in a relationship to have 'apprehensions' about 'impending fatherhood' until AFTER THE BABY IS BORN ... and most are very GOOD FATHERS when they can see and touch the baby that is 'theirs' for the first time? I can't tell you 'what to do' but you MUST DECIDE where you 'are' in your own life, and whether you really want to 'spend the rest of your life and beyond' with this girl, or if you are 'too young' and want to 'sow some more wild oats' before you settle down.
I can't tell you 'what to do' in either direction ... but since you are a Catholic, I suggest that you go to a 'priest' you can 'trust' and tell him your 'thoughts' on sex and the possibility of children BEFORE MARRIAGE ... and the TAKE HIS ADVICE if it WORKS FOR YOU. You'll be 'very surprised' at how most Catholic priests are about such 'heavy matters' these days, I'm betting ...

Answer 5

You don't have to break up, you can take some breathing space.
If there are some issues there that you are not comfortable with, it is your right to address them, back away, and/or leave.

If her getting pregnant to "trap you" is a concern in the back of your mind, I would take it seriously.
You have the choice now, but wouldn't later.
If she decides to get pregnant now, it will be something you must deal with for the next 18+ years whether you like it or not, and whether you are together or not.
That's pretty serious!

Her not being on any form of birth control screams she wants to get pregnant.
Women have nearly 30 different forms of birth control in the US. Using no birth control at all says alot...
(Could be much worse though, she could be on No birth control and claim that she is.)

As far as "moving to the next level" this is a decision you BOTH must make, neither you pushing her, nor her pushing you.
It has to work & be comfortable for both of you.

Sounds like you have some concerns that you need to think on and take seriously.

Answer 6

Don't ignore that little voice in your head any more...bail before your girl "accidentally for real" gets pregnant, and you are left with no choice.

This woman is hearing her biological clock ticking. You already told us that you don't want to have anything to do with kids at this stage in your life. You would be doing her no favours whatsoever if you wait to bail until after there is a child involved.

Explain this all to your girl now. The fact that you haven't even moved in with her (or had her move in with you) means that you have no real commitment to her.

This is not only giving you the chance to get out of a sticky situation for you, but is also allowing your girl to move on from your noncommitment and to find herself a man that IS willing to "go to the next level" with her.

Answer 7

Only you know what's right for you but it sounds like children are the least of your problems right now. If you two can't find a happy medium for other time tables like moving in together, then it will probably only mean more problems for you in the future. If you can't agree on things now and talk through them to come to a resolve you both can live with, part company while you still might be able to salvage a friendship.

Answer 8

You should really rethink your relationship. If she is wanting children and not concerned that you are ready, that is a problem. I would never want to pressure someone into having kids before they are ready--nor would I want to make someone a parent without them being ready. It is a huge responsibility! HUGE!

I have no kids but just babysat my nephew for 9 hrs the other night and I realized that I am NO where near ready for that sort of commitment. Even if she is not pushing you to have kids but just being lax about it all, that is scary. She holds all the cards.

I'd listen to what your head is telling you and bail! People seem to get themself in trouble when they let all rational thought go out the window and instead let their heart lead the way. Your heart gets you into trouble, ALWAYS listen to what your head and rational thoughts tell you--rather than your heart.

Answer 9

That is something you will have to answer for yourself! However; I was engaged to my husband for five years and got sick of waiting for him to commit I loved him but I was ready to be at that next level and he seemed really hesitant! Every time we would talk about it things would get heated because he said he wanted to be sure before he just jumped into marriage. I finally told him that I loved him but was moving out if he didn't want to move on with our relationship. I moved out for three weeks and he called me wanting me and my daughter to come home because he missed the sounds of our voice and the love in the home. We got back together and have been married for 2 years in May and we have never been happier! Good Luck to you and God Bless!

Answer 10

If you aren't ready to have a kid, then you aren't ready to have a kid. Do you love your girlfriend? Do you want to get married?
It seems children are going to come sooner or later.
I'm not putting any pressure on you, however, maybe you should consult a therapist to help your girlfriend and you with your problems. Or talk to other friends, since friends sometimes give the best advice.
I hope this helps!