Stepdaughter's first communion and her mentally ill biological Mother -shoud I attend or not ?

Question

Poll - What is the right thing to do in this situation ?
Husband and I have physical custody of stepdaugher, age 9, because her Mother has been deemed insane by the courts. The Mother exhibits her illness with behavior that is violent, aggressive, abusive with language (to all in her path, not just us), unemployable, paranoid, and in the past, she has been physically violent to others. Several of her own family members have permanent restraining orders against her.
Husband insists that we have a first communion party at a local restaurant for Stepdaughter after the service and that Bio-Mother is to be in attendance with us, and Husband and my extended families. At some point in time over the years, she has cussed out every one of them individually or screamed obscenties or worse to them. I have serious doubts any of my family will attend if she is there. should I participate in this?

Answer 1

Stand by your man, might not be pleasant but sometimes we have to do things for our loved ones. In this case your step daughter probably wants her mother there.

Answer 2

It would be unfair to your stepdaughter for you not to attend.

Since she, the mother has been deemed insane, surely all people in attendance know that.

You need to look at it the way it is, she is handicapped. Yes it is in a way that makes others uncomfortable, but lots of handicaps make others uncomfortable.

What I question is having the dinner at a public place where she has the potential to cause an scene that is embarrassing to all in attendance and to other diners.

I might suggest renting a private room, most communities have a community center or meeting hall or even a hotel that rents rooms and having the dinner catered.

Your risk of embarrassment would be decreased tremendously.

I would think those that choose not to attend, due to the ex wife/mother, have a lack of caring for your stepdaughter. She would have her feelings hurt if people didn't attend a special event for her.

Answer 3

I would say he is being unrealistic. In the perfect world her biological mother would be there and everyone would be celebrating this happy occasion, but he is willing to risk his daughter's day for what? He is risking the chance that her mother will lash out and cause a scene and the only person that will be hurt by it is his daughter. Especially on such an important event like this.
How does your step daughter feel about it? Does she want her biological mother there or is she afraid she will lash out too? I guess I would start there. And if she really wants her to be there scale down the party so there is less chance of a Major catastrophe.
It would be a shame to have this special occasion ruined when it doesn't have to be. No matter what you have to be there. Don't punish your daughter for the sins of her crazy mother.

Answer 4

That's why people need to learn a person's family before getting in situations like this, anyway, you need to figure out in your heart what is more important to you. The happiness of this little girl or "your" family. If you don't feel like the drama then don't attend the function but if you love this little girl as your own then you should by all means attend and hope for the best. This is something you have to decide all on your own because only you know how "you" really feel.

~Wish you the best~

Answer 5

Since this gathering has some spiritual affiliation, hopefully this woman will be on her best behavior. I think that she should be allowed to attend and pray for the best but be prepared for the worst. Is there someone in her family that can handle her, if so that person would need to be there as well to remove her when she starts to act out since she is mentally challenged. I know its easier to just stay away but this is the for the child who wants to get together with mom when its possible and she probably really doesn't understand her moms illness so I say have someone on hand that can remove her if things get out of hand but other than that go ahead with your plans and try to have a great time.

Answer 6

Wow what a tragic situation for this little girl. I am glad that she has you to fill the roleof Mother. Unfortunately I have to agree with your husband and my agreement is based on the little girl. I know she loves her Mother and is to young to see the reality of her illness. I have a neice in the similar situation she idolizes her Mother even though she abandoned her ofr drugs. I know in time she will see the real person but for now I let her have her little fantasy and I think this little girl should have hers to. This is her special day and even though it will be an uncomfortable situation for everyone I hope they all step up to the plate and go and let the past rantings of a sick woman be just that.

Answer 7

Of course you should go, what message would it be sending your step daughter if you did not go, sounds like you are her tower of strength in an otherwise rocky little life. If her bio mom is true to form, everyone will understand and you should use her behaviour as a perfect excuse to have her removed from the place by the authorities. She is the one the little girl should be spending the day without, not you. Everyone will be on your side. Chances are if you dont invite her it will cause problems and she'd turn up anyways, expect a drama and use it to your advantage, but enjoy your little girls day

Answer 8

Yes you should go to support your husband and your step-daughter..It is obvious that the biological mother has mental issues and it sound's like everyone know's what her problem is,so her behavior should be ignored and the little girl's first communion should be celebrated by everyone.If the boi-mother acts up simply have her removed.

Answer 9

If your step daughter wants you there, then be there. It is not about you, it's about her. And her moving into adulthood in the church. If you don't show up for a silly reason, she will resent you for it. Why create a riff in the family? So what, if she calls you a name? If she were to attack you, have her arrested. Don't you think that she will be on her best behavior for her daughters sake? Don't you think that the step daughter will know that you came there for her even with the hardship that you are enduring? Go and be happy for your step daughter.

Answer 10

What does your step daughter want? Does she want her mother there? If yes then I suggest you do what is right for your stepdaughter and go to the party.