Read my short poem, does it sound dumb?

Question

What do you do
I wish I knew
Gave you everything
Now, I’m barely hanging
9 months into it
So you say you want to quit
Why should I bother
I thought I was “her”

It's about me and my boyfriend, 9 months into the relationship. I've been cheated on, lied to, anything, you name it. I've never wrote anything in my life before so this is the first. I don't expect it to be perfect. I just want other peoples opinions.

Answer 1

it has good potential but as a writer you if you are concerned if it is any good in our eyes you should bring more clarity to your poem. me personaly see potential in it it just needs more clarity.

Answer 2

You said a lot in a small space.
Nothing says you have to rhyme or make
your lines the same length.
But having them all short is like
concentrating the power.

You have one image, not a non-fiction statement;
"I barely hanging".

Verse can be written without any images; poetry
by definition requires one at
least.
Fast rewrite for you to consider...

Question
What are you doing?
I wish I knew...

Gave you everything...

Now I'm barely hanging on
(none months into it)?

So. You say you want to quit.

Why should I bother (then)
I thought I was "her"...

Your structure I found very good.
Read somebody to see where you'd
like to go with your poetry...do the sort of thing they'd do.

I think you have a real future. This is unusual.

Answer 3

Nothing that comes from your thoughts, emotions or experience can be considered dumb. I think you have a good start to a poem about what you went through. From this poem, I get the feeling that you had the rug pulled out from under you, that it was unexpected and that you were a little blindsided. I like that it seems a bit abrupt because that is what it feels like when you find out you have been betrayed. To help develop your writing a bit more, try journaling about your feelings and your experience. The more you write, the more your writing will improve.

Answer 4

Its obvious by your effort that you have some real emotions/issues to get out and express.

However, the poem itself is a bit flat and I presume betrays the ammount of thought and emotion you are or have experienced because of this event and person.

Not to be harsh, but you must have something to write since you took the time to do so. I'm just not convinced what your writing about was worth the effort based on the lack of substance in what you wrote.

Answer 5

If you're happy with it to hell with everyone else lol

I've done loads of poems from great long pieces to rubbish little ones, it's about expression and the more you do it the more you enjoy it.

You might even have a collection after a while

Answer 6

Ofcourse it's not dumb. It's not a masterpeice or anyhting. But it shows some true feelings. You may want to re think some ryms. I'm a bad speller and it's late so sorry.

Answer 7

i imagine you're a genius. The contextural counterpoints that you benefit form a secondary narrative in the paintings which elements a juxtaposition of viewpoints for the reader in conserving mutually with his or her inner communicate. Very surprising.

Answer 8

This poem is all about hurt.
It's short, it's succinct and yet it cries.
Poems don't have to be masterpieces to communicate feeling.
Your poem communicates feeling.
My critique would be I want to know more.
Maybe your feelings were too intense for you to explore.

Answer 9

Not dumb. However, you apparently need to get on with your life WITHOUT the guy and find someone who will appreciate you.

Answer 10

i like poems that rhymes in the end of one line? i dont know if it is the right term like:
"gave you EVERYTHING
now, im barely HANGING"

yeah its nice..short but great impact to person you were reffering to..

cheers..