Why are you friends with the people you're friends with?

Question

Having looked very closely at the relationships I've formed in my life, I realize that almost all of them are based on one of the following:
1. convenience (aka - "similar life situations or challenges")
2. i see the person as weaker or subordinate
3. the person agrees with me most of the time (or when i think it's important)

when i dislike someone, it's usually based on:
1. they disagree a lot with me
2. the person is a threat to my security
3. there's no convenience -- they're not necessary to making my situation easier


think about it...
are there other reasons?

colleen: if we adjust my suggestion that we are sometimes friends with people because they agree with us on what we think are the most important points, I should think that these people who challenge you probably disagree on a deeper level than that on which they're challenging you... for instance, i can be friends with someone who has totally different political beliefs, until they tell me something that i find so awfully wrong that i can't imagine liking them -- for instance, they can talk about how they disagree on how we should deal with hunger or aids in africa, but if they suggest that the WAY to deal with them should be by killing innocent people, (and if it's clear that they really believe it), I would have to think that this is so awfully wrong, i cannot justify liking the person any more...
that's just an example, but you get my point? my friends challenge me all the time, but it's only surface-level for the most part... the foundational beliefs are shared

Q&A34, the things you mention certainly fall under the category of "convenience" -- if we share the same interests, it's certainly out of a combination of this and agreeableness...

for instance, if i play a sport and hang out with other people who play a sport with me (or play another sport, since maybe i can relate to them on some level regarding sporting in general) -- but i don't hang out with the chess club, this is indicative that my choice of friends is based on convenience and agreeableness...

if i DID hang out with the chess club, even though i play a lot of sports and care nothing for chess, there would have to be another point of convenience -- maybe we all like to watch Bugs Bunny cartoons together or something...
get my drift? your point was complementary, not a matter of disagreement...

so i agree with you.

Kali... you've given us another good example of situational friendships made out of convenience.

the fact that a friendship is "no longer" convenient only means that it once was.

general:
I get the idea that a lot of you folks don't think about how each relationship benefits you... it's always a give and take, in my strong opinion. I benefit from each friendship I have, and they benefit from me... if there were no benefits, we'd not be friends!
such a friendship would be distinctly *inconvenient*.

I only know what my friendships really are at this point. I've had a lot of experience with personal inventories of my relationships. It clarifies things...

I bet if you think really hard, you'll see that I'm not only right, but you'll not see a reason to be defensive, because these things aren't necessarily *bad*, it's just how life works -- like a lot of things...

Answer 1

honestly?
I've been asking myself this question a lot lately.

I guess there's just certain qualities that everyone is attracted to.

Answer 2

I agree with what you've said... I think friendships are definately formed when situations or challenges bring you together... I'm still friends with a few people from school because we spent how many years in the same classes and our personalities somehow clicked... even if we had different ways of viewing the world, we managed to be understanding of each other's viewpoints and not get bogged down in stupid details (rather agreed to disagree), I'm proud of the fact that I have a very wide range of personalities in my friendships, as well as people from different interest groups (this is where the convienience issue comes in)
... obviously we want friendships where we are not constantly arguing all the time, so we are friends with people who generally share our ideas on life, or who are tolerant enough to not hate you for your views (agreeing all the time).
As for the subordinate thing, there is usually a more dominant person in the relationship (not in a negative way) but think about it... in each relationship ...who makes the contact most of the time,who seeks out whom? I find that I have to do a lot of the work in my friendships (which are great, but the others involved are obviously not wanting to make an effort ), or maybe I'm niave and they actually don't want to spend time with me at all... I'm probably the subordinate then, coz they have the control in that I'm making more of an effort than them//?/?????????????

I think that the strongest friendships (the ones that last a lifetime) are based on more than the three things above... those things may help a relationship begin, but when those situations change or you are no longer linked by that interest, or views on life change... how are those relationships maintained? I think its a case of a deeper connection, that can be very difficult to pin-point, its a accumulation of all your life experiences and your personalities that result in you sharing your lives with eachother in a way that is not judgmental,but supportive, caring and mutual (neither dominant or subordinate), but friendships like these take many years to happen, and are started coz of one of the three things you mentioned.
Good question.... well thought out!

Answer 3

I understand what you are saying. I agree you have some very good insight into the way many if not most everyone develops friendships. It's not so much that your theory is incorrect either.

It's in the way you presented it. You make it sound as though people use people to convenience themselves and that is the only thing availible to develop friendships.

Conveniences are not aka "similar life situations or challenges" Random people you run into through this life are not conveniences they are chances. Chances to grow with them not use them for the convenience it may give you.

I have made friends with people that would not fit your criteria. Lets think about people that are selfless. You sound like the exact oposite of a selfless person. A selfless person will not develop friends based on what he or she gets out of it but rather what he or she can give.

1. its not a convenience to be a shoulder to lean on. Yet you are willing to do it for others. Making them feel better is what makes you feel better.

2. What if this person you meet that needed a shoulder to cry on was infact someone you looked up to like a brother figure. Just because someone needs a shoulder to cry on doesn't mean they are weaker or your subordinate. It just means they needed the comfort of another to hear them.

3. Just because you gave your shoulder doesn't mean you have to agree with them all the time either. You might infact be giving them suggestions that go unheard on a regualar basis. You might infact think the person has little to no common sense.

Yet through all this you are still their friend. It's because I'm not a who can offer me what kind of person that I don't make friends like you do. Mater of fact a lot of my friends and I never see eye to eye and a lot of times make my life complicated.

Real friends are the ones that make life interesting not convenient. In my opinion with this kind of view I would not think of you as a true friend. Even if you saw me as one.

Answer 4

My situation is different from yours, totally. My daughter went to kindergarten with this boy, his mother and I became great friends. Her friendship led to other friends. The three of us remain close even though we live in different cities now.

I like the decisiveness from her as the leader, I don't agree with you about being subordinate, I usually am, but the friend that brings us together year after year has been the one who is the most outgoing of us. We are not a convenient friendship, we have to set aside time and money to meet up with each other.

The one thing I agree with you is that we all like to have fun together, maybe that is what you mean by agreeing or disagreeing with you so much.

I hope you can make some real friends someday, someone who isn't a threat to your safety.

Answer 5

Well, I guess it is a lot about convenience. Coz when you have something in common, it's easier to form a relationship based on that.
Gaining benefits is also a great reason. We support each other (at least with my friends and I) and I guess that's how we benefit, coz otherwise we would have no support for ourselves and our problems will seem bigger and harder to solve. Friends minimise that somehow.

Answer 6

I've been friends with some of my friends since I was just born.
Some of them are the same nationality as me, I get along with people like them because I live in a multicultural country where racism can take place.

Answer 7

I have the friends I have because I enjoy their diversity. I enjoy the fact that they don't require me to agree with them on every topic and visa versa (it only shows a lack of maturity if you dislike people who disagree with you). They sometimes challenge me. They have my back and won't stab me in it. They feel the same about me.

Answer 8

I am friends with whom I hang out with because we relate in ways others can't and there is a level of trust I do not give out easily that they earned

Answer 9

For me, I am friends with people who are a lot like me...who see things the way I see them (or agree with me like you said) and who can lend a shoulder when needed.

Answer 10

ooof buddy I think you should spend more time with your therapist

what about compatibility? liking the same things (sports, activities, hobbies, styles)? laughing together at the joke of life...?

Me thinks you got some issues...