I have a mother in a nursing home with dementia,when i go to see her she says to leave and is very details?

Question

abusive.She has been a very selfish and abusive person my whole life.she knows i have a girlfriend , and she never wanted me to have anyone in my life but her..would you continue to go and see her and put up with all her abusive remarks towards me & my girlfriend?i am 59 yrs. old.

Answer 1

Yes, she may not know exactly what she is saying most of the time. No matter what she is your Mother, she probably doesn;t have much longer, so why stop seeing her just because she is abusive to you? Hey, most Mothers are that way about their son, so what does it matter at your age? The thing about it now is you can visit for a while and get up and leave. You have to learn to forgive, not that you that you forget, but at her age give a little.

Answer 2

Yes, although she has mistreated you all your life, right now she really doesn't understand what she is doing or saying. Your mom is in a nursing home now and we don't know how much time she has left so spend time with her and you know for yourself that you were the bigger person for going to see her even though she mistreated you as a child. She is still your mother and I would say continue to see her, and you are a good son for even attempting to see mom because I know a lot of children would have turned their back on her a long time ago. You will be blessed for your good works.

Answer 3

my father was in a nursing home with dementia, too.
he was never abusive to me or my mother...but, the dementia made him say horrible things about my mother...simply horrible.
i tried to reason with him and tell him that he didn't mean the things he said...and he didn't...it wasn't him anymore speaking, it was the dementia
i still continued to go and see him, and i tolerated some of his rantings and ravings, but, when things got out of hand, i would rise up and say, "okay, dad, you know what? i need to go now. I will come back and see you later, okay?" and i always went back. he died at this time last year...and i can tell myself that i was a good daughter, that i stood by him and was there for him...i am not sorry for going and have no uncalled for guilt over anything.
go and see your mother, do what you can for her, but when she begins her rantings, just tell her you have to go now, but, will come back...even though she was this way before the dementia does not mean that she is there inside the body that resembles her...dementia is another name for alzheimers...it only gets worse, i'm sorry to say....but, hang in there and be the best son you can be so that when she is gone you will have no regrets.

Answer 4

I’m sorry to hear about your situation. It’s not easy to deal when a loved one has dementia, but it’s even more difficult when that person has a history of abuse. It may be challenging to see her actions for what they are—side effects of dementia—when in the past, her behavior didn’t have a definable root. Basically what it comes down to here is this: should you put your hurt aside and have compassion for her situation?

It sounds to me like it would be beneficial to come to terms with your feelings about the abuse before deciding whether or not to stop visiting her. If you’re feeling resentment about her past choices, you probably won’t be inclined to overlook her current behavior. While working on your feelings, you could also do some research about dementia to understand more about her current situation. At the end of the day, this woman is your mother, and most likely she has her reasons for being how she is (those reasons don’t excuse the behavior, but they may explain it). Even if you haven’t forgiven her now, odds are one day you will—and it might be too late to show her with your actions.

I write for a site called Gilbert Guide, and we have tons of free information about dementia. Here’s a link to the dementia category on our blog:

http://www.gilbertguide.com/blog/tags/alzheimers-and-dementia-care/

If you have any questions about dementia, I’ll be happy to answer them for you. You can email me at [e-mail].

Lori
Gilbert Guide

Answer 5

Yes I would continue to go...she is your mother, she has dementia. Your mother probably has no real clue who you and your girlfriend are if she's bad enough to be in a nursing home. Just think soon she'll be dead so you won't have to put up with it much longer.

Answer 6

You should love her even with all she has done to you, I admit you have a right to feel this way toward her,you don't have to put up with her antics,instead of visiting her,call her on the phone just to say hi and see how she's doing,maybe even talk to the person in charge and explain that you don't want to abandon her but enough of putting up with the abuse.

Answer 7

Your mother may have dementia but she hasn't always. But she still mistreated you. You and your girl friend don't have to put up with it. Talk to her tell her how you feel if she still mistreats you. Don't go. You've been there and regardless the d she can show appretiation. My Dad had it and he never acted this way. Yes he had his bad days but he would come around. Best of luck.

Answer 8

yes, u still need to see ur mom evendo she is doing that to u...mother is always a mother whatever happen...this is the time that she need u and show her that u really care and love her whatever she did to u from the past and now...the important is ur there for her...be a good son be there for her..

Answer 9

I would go and see her just because she is your mother. Maybe take your girlfriend with you if you are on that level and make her a part of the relationship. Who knows, maybe your mom will like her,

Answer 10

I would go and see her and explain that if she continued to act this way torwards me then I would not be coming to visit. If she says fine, dont come, then dont come. She is plenty old enough to live with those types of decisions. You stand your ground.