my husband had an affair for almost a year. i did not know. i'm still angry hurt sick.I try to let it go not t

Question

talkabout it, but there are things i need to know. what was he missing in our marriage, only married barely 2 mths. i thought we would both on top of the world. dated almost 2 years never cheated on me, that i know of. i question him why? What did she provide for him that i wan't. i brought it up again asked, why out of the blue he says i felt like i couldn't tell you things i want you to do sexually, scared i'll be upset.wo wouldnt you assume the woman he was seeing was fulfilling these fantasies. he even said he felt like she would do anything he wanted her to do. he felt like he was in control. he would talk dirty to her, so he did me to. if he wasnt' better satisfied wanted to be with her every opportunity he had wouldn't you say she satisfied him more or why not just come home to his wife. then he will say he don't know why he did it. maybe just the excitement of being with someone different to take place of things he couldn't do with me.

we have maybe been married 3 years this June. He had the nerve to ask me to have a black male come over and have sex with me, wanted to watch and join in. at first i thought he was just talking dirty, so i can imagine what he talked to her about. come to find out he was serious. i am his wife. i have never done anything like this. so why did he marry me. he admitted then said he didn't say it. he had a very high sex drive and likes to fulfill out his fantasies.
i'm starting to think he is a real pervert. and don't you think he will cheat again.
right now we are not speaking, arguning.i was upset the last couple of days he thinks it is what he asked me to do. i was hurting thinking about him being with someone else. no thoughts of me want to know what attracted him to her so much he couldn't stand it. he met her 1 time, exchanged #'s started calling her everyday. after 7 daysthey had sex she picked him up he even admitted to me he knew why he was going there or that was what he hoped

Answer 1

how sad. quit being a sexual doormat for this guy and move on and take care of yourself. this is BS!!

Answer 2

Your husband is a philander.......trust that if he cheated two months into the marriage he has done it all along. He is blaming his cheating on you not full-filling his sexual needs.....yet he never gave you the opportunity by communicating a choice to you! He is a liar and a manipulator and is not committed to the marriage. He is probably a sex addict and can't control himself. He had no business ever marring you and taking up those years where your life was concerned! The first thing I would do next is make an appointment with a medical doctor and be checked for every std test that is available.......don't let him touch you. What a no good miserable person he is. Get as far away from him as you can.......he has played with your feelings and emotions and your life and he isn't worth having him explain anything to you.......he is sick.........he is not the man he allowed you to think he is. Like he said, I can't tell you things I want you to do......well, it is his problem. It's not that he couldn't tell you .......he didn't want to!!!! Well, if this woman was so great why then did he ever come back home to you? He is one hell of a control freak....and don't believe any word he says. Run.....don't walk......deal with yourself latter....don't give this scumbag one more second of your time!!! This woman did not provide him with anything but a piece of azzz! take your wedding ring and tell him to stick it where the sun don't shine. Don't ever accept him back into your life on any terms.........He just has to go now!......and I mean NOW!!!!

Answer 3

I've always believed that cheating was a deal breaker. And VERY often if a man cheats he will do it again, if not with you than someone else. If you had only been married two months, ask yourself if you can live the rest of your life with this man always wondering, worrying and stressing about this. This isn't about you, it's about him.

My friend's husband cheated and she stayed with him. Now he is paranoid everytime SHE goes out. She can't talk to other men or even dress up too much because he gets jealous. He tells her what to wear or asks her what she's wearing if she goes out with the girls. He watches her like a hawk, checks up on her 10 times a day, etc. I'm not saying your husband would do that, but he is just waiting for her to retaliate and she is miserable being under his "control." She could have left him but now three kids later, here they are.

Don't make that mistake. You're probably young and just married the wrong person. It's not too late to get out. Good luck.

Answer 4

I am so sorry to hear this. Men can't really explain why they cheat they find it really hard to do. The fact that your husband is talking to you about it and being honest is a good sign. I was with someone for 2 years and they lived a completely different life that I didn't know about until recently. He couldn't provide me with answers, he just left. You have a chance to salvage a marriage that was once happy and I suggest that you do what you have to do to hold it together. Men have been unfaithful since the beginning of time, but if he hasn't cheated on you since, I think that you can find it within yourself just this once to forgive. I mean make it clear that it won't be tolerated a second time, and even seek professional help if you have to. The pain and sickness will subside eventually and then you can work on the trust. I wish you the best of luck and I hope that I have helped you.

Answer 5

Jackie, my heart goes out to you. One thing I want you to stop doing is beating up on yourself because of something your husband did. We sometimes want to know why he cheated and what the other woman had to offer that we didnt, and if he honestly told you the truth about it you would probably be more hurt than you are right now. The truth about it is, he has been a cheater from beginning of the relationship and why he would get married (not just to you but anyone) really puzzles me. He wasn't ready for marriage but I guess at the same time he didn't want to loose you. I would say that he is very immature and you are right he is a damn pervert. He wants you to have sex with another man while he watches, that is crazy. Do not let him introduce you to all that freaky $hit, you might get exposed to something your really like but its against everything you believe in. You are right, you married him and him only-and since he is open to all these crazy sex things, you may want to start using protection and maybe even get yourself checked out. He is not responsible and has a lot of growing up to do, men cheat because they are weak, they think the ability to get women is a strength but its actually a weakness, we've all hear the saying the flesh is weak, he is a weakling. You are very hurt by this and I would suggest you get away from it for a while, I won't say get a divorce just yet but I would just give yourself a break from him and take time to get your thoughts together and decide if the marriage is worth saving and if you feel it is the first thing you need is marriage counseling. If he is not willing to work on himsellf and work on being honest and he has destroyed the trust, actually from what you are saying I think you have already made up your mind because its eating away at you and you will not be able to have a healthy relationship with this man if you don't get therapy. Don't get help just for him but also for yourself and even if you guys decide to split, please work on getting help for yourself because you don't want to take these bad feelings you have for him out on the next guy. But you guys will basically need to start over and he is going to have to prove to you that he can be trusted and he can be open and honest and communicate with you. You can be open to wild sex at times and fantasies but there has to be a limit and he cannot and should not force something on you that you are not comfortable with. I pray that you will just step back and weigh our options, this is a very hard situation to be in but either way if you decide to leave, its not the end of the world and there are men out here to treat you like the beautiful person you are and won't put you through all this crap. The relationship as it stands is not healthy and needs a lot of work. Good luck on this one and i hope things work out for you.

Answer 6

Stop beating yourself up over this. You have done nothing wrong. He made a lot of assumptions about you, he didnt even try to sort it out with you. He choose to not communicate with you, he chose to find the excitement sexually with someone else. Maybe if he was honest in the first place, you could have fullfilled all his sexual desires....he didnt even try. Unfortunately for a lot of men they have this stupid idea that they marry a "good" woman and a good woman is not sexually exciting, just a good mother and housekeeper...maybe thats the way he was raised to think. He has very age-old beliefs. I think every wife can be a fox in the bedroom....we just have to know its what our husband wants....but he didnt even give you that opportunity.

Unfortunately when a husband "cheats" we seem to take the blame totally on our shoulders....we think to ourselves....what did I do wrong....what could I have done to prevent this from happening....it is very common and everything you are wondering is normal. The fact remains that there was nothing you could have done. You are not a clairvoyant...you didnt know what was going on in his head. He, and he alone, is responsible for this affair happening. This affair happened because he didnt have the guts to talk to you about what he wanted/needed and if you dont know, then how in hell are you going to change it. If he appeared happy being married to you, then why on earth would you want to change anything. You thought he was happy based on how he treated you.

You can be just as exciting as any woman and just because you are his wife doesnt mean the sex has to dwindle. He needs to change his ideas on what a wife is supposed to be. He needs to be a little bit more open to having a sexy wonderful wife. He doesnt need to find the sex elsewhere, he has it at his fingertips.....His biggest mistake was not trusting you enough to let you in to what he wanted. He was so wrong in not allowing you to be his "sexy" wife. It was the lack of communication that made this affair happen. He assumed too much, he thought a lot of things that were not true.

You know the problem now, while I am sure you can be just as sexy as any other woman, that now you will be comparing yourself to this other woman and you will be wondering if what you are doing is as exciting as what this other woman was doing. You both need to go into counselling. You have to get this communication problem sorted out. You have to start believing that you can be just as sexy as any other woman. Your husband needs to get it out of his head what a "good" wife is. There are a lot of problems in this marriage. Your husband is a coward who didnt trust you enough to let you into what he wanted. He should have talked to you first and not found the answer in the arms of someone else.

This is NOT your fault. You are not a mind reader. He is in the WRONG totally.

Get some counselling before your insecurities get worse. This can work out, but you are both going to need help to sort it out.

Take care

Answer 7

From what I understand... He cheated on you after being married for 2 months. I don't give a flying rats *** if he "never cheated" while you were going out for two years. Honey - you never found out about him cheating on you - there's a difference.

People who cheat rarely take the blame for themselves. They never claim that they cheated because they're little nasty dirty whores. - In their mind it was the other person's fault. They didn't give them what they "needed" so they had to find it someplace else.

Get rid of him. You deserve better.

In fact, all you women and men out there - listen up - YOU CAN DECIDE TO BE IN A RELATIONSHIP OR NOT!!!!

A person who cheats on you for over a year does not respect you!!! I don't give a hootenanny about ---- "OOOOOH but if you could only see the way he/she loves me!" Pu-lease! No! - you should see the way he/she banged someone behind your back and then trashed talked you to them.

For your own sanity and dignity - Get over it and get over them!

Answer 8

I seriously doubt that the affair had anything to do with you, regardless of what you are told by him...that was between him and him...his problem, and it is a big problem. You are the same person he married..you didn't change...so why did he marry you? My advice is, he is feeding you a load of bullcrap, making excuses for his actions that he is not man enough to own up to...why should you put up with this, why in the world would you blame yourself. Get over this, girl, you didn't do that to him! He did it to you. Dump his butt in the street, let him be talked dirty to by someone else..this one is NOT for you, no matter how you want to look at it. And feeling sorry for yourself will not help one iota. Get a grip on reality..you married a bum. Face it and move on. Let someone else deal with his problems, for no matter what he does, who he pairs up with, within 2 months, he will have another lover..that is just what he does. Get rid of the looser...no other way to describe him..and a cowardly one at that..trying to blame you for his actions. BULL!

Answer 9

Don't even worry about the..... WHY? It doesn't matter why he did what he did. Don't blame yourself, there is nothing that you could of done to deserve this treatment. Even if you let yourself gain 200 lbs. his behavior is still wrong...even if you don't want the same things he wants sexually (another man and then he joins in, whatever you are not comfortable with) You still do not deserve what he has done. If he wanted someone else then he should have waited until you and him are divorced. Why would you think you should let it go and not talk about it? You two need to do some serious talking and you need to decide what you want to do. There are plenty of decent men out there..if I were you I would think about letting this winner go and wait for your true love, someone who will love you and treat you with respect.

Answer 10

1) You are fooling yourself if you really think he didn't cheat on you while you dated.

2) he is a cheater, will always be a cheater and you can't change him. If you decide to stay married, don't complain when he cheats on you again.

3) you really don't want to know details, it won't help you heal and it won't make things better between the two of you. yes we know women want to know, but that is never the case after that fact.

4) if you have to know this is what he was looking for: the excitement of cheating. You can't provide that level of rush and never will, it comes with you being his wife. He is defective and you picked a bad man.

Answer 11

I'm sorry but you married a cheater and all he's giving you are a bunch of excuses. Why stay with someone who can't even uphold his marriage vows to you and only wants to be married when it's convenient for him? You don't even have much of a marriage since there is no trust in it.

I say move on and find someone whom you can fully trust and will treat you with the respect you deserve.