So he says he can't live without me...and that he loves me...it will never happen again but....?

Question

I am seriously done with this relationship. We have been respectful to each other in the presence of our children and have gone on with daily life. And today I said that it is time that he starts looking for a new place to live. He was really upset and now saying that it will never happen again. Well I have heard it all before and want to move on with my life. Honestly. What can I tell him? What do I do? If we keep having this same conversation of me saying move on, because I am trying to...I may say something I'll regret. Is that what I should say?
Please, what do I say to him to make this break up a reality in his mind?

Answer 1

Once a cheater is not always a cheater, Im sick of people saying that. Its a cliche made up by some woman/man who was married to an idiot. Most people cheat for a reason, and if that reason isnt dealt with then it is very hard for a marriage to survive after infedility. There are a lot of men out there who have tried to find a "fix" to their problems in the arms of someone else. They realise it doesnt solve a thing and it will never happen again. There are some men/women who cheat for the hell of it and it will continue to happen, but I believe they are in the minority. In your case, however, it seems like this is not the first time.

It is so hard where love is concerned because we want to believe they are sincere...they look like they are sincere and because we love them and want to give them another chance, we do. Unfortunately there comes a time when he has to be responsible for the choices he makes and has to be responsible for the outcome as well. The outcome to his "affairs" is that you have lost total trust and respect for him. Its all very well to love someone, but we have to love ourselves too. We have to live by a certain code of ethics. Ok, yes, I believe that we can survive one episode of infedility...but two, then it seems there is some kind of pattern emerging. I was married to a man who was a womaniser, and this may sound very siilly, but I still to do this day believe he loves me.....the only way he knows how to love.....but it wasnt enough for me. I have been divorced from him for 12 years.....he put me through hell, but even with everything he did, I still loved him and it was that love that made me take him back, not once, but 4 times. You think I would have learnt my lesson after it happened the second time, but I believed he was sincere....so I can tell you first hand that love IS blind. I dont think you have to spare his feelings. This outcome was directly his fault. He must take responsibility for you needing him to leave.. He must learn that there are consequences for everything. Probably you taking him back the first time made it easier for him to do it the second...or third because by taking someone back after infedility without any consequences you are kinda giving him permission to do it again. I should have insisted on counselling before I even thought about taking my ex back....but I didnt, so he had no consequences for his betrayal.

You just have to be clear and consise and put the blame where it belongs. You just tell him that what he did, not once, but how many times he did it has made you lose a lot of feelings for him. Tell him that you can no longer live with someone you dont trust and if you continue doing it, it will end up destroying you, and you have too much self respect to let that happen. Tell him you are serious. Show him you are serious. Do not sleep with him. Do not cook for him. Do not do anything for him, but tell him you no longer class him as your husband and if he wont move out then he has to accept these living arrangements. Get the paper every day and circle places to rent and give it to him. The only way you are going to make him understand your intentions is to be consistent. If you trully do want to make your point...go find a flat yourself and pay the money, then move his things into it when he is at work or not at home. Im sure if you did that he would be sure to understand you are serious. Change the locks after you have moved his things out. Set him up in a flat, then he will have no choice but to understand you are serious. Be consistent, dont buckle and dont feel sorry for him. He made his bed, now he has to lie in it. It's a sad reality, but its true. You dont have to protect his feelings....he is the one who broke your heart....not once it seems, but several times.

Take care, make your point clearly, move him out, do your grieving then move on. There are some genuine men out there who will love you like you deserve.

Answer 2

If what he did is bad enough you're sure you want to divorce or separate, get the paperwork started and get him to sign it.
Tell your lawyer if he keeps trying to deny you separation or divorce what he did wrong. Let him know how serious you are. You've heard it before and now want to move on with your life. Just tell him that and that it's over. He did what he did.
If you ever have 2nd thoughts you can always try again later with him after he gets counseling and meds. Or just keep on moving on. Maybe this will straighten him up for the next time he has someone he should treat right to begin with.

Answer 3

I don't know what your reasons are for wanting him out, but it sounds like whatever he's done this time he has done it before and you forgave him.

Trust is a very precious and fragile thing, and once it's broken it can never be regained. If you have reached your limit and are conscious that you want to move on without him, then get a lawyer and end things soon.

If you cannot make him understand you mean it, that it's OVER, then a lawyer will make him understand.

Good luck and take care of yourself and your children.
You deserve to be happy and if he cannot or will not change then let him be.

Answer 4

I think you should move on with your life. Staying together for the kids isnt always the best route. Someday they will understand divorce. If he cheated, he will probally do it again. You dont need to live like this, you could be happy. I would just tell him that its obviously not working out, and that hes got to admit there are problems present. Tell him that you think both of you will be happier if you split up. Just sit back and think for a minute about finding a new man. I'm sure you can find someone better. There is always someone better. Besides, dating is fun. :)

Answer 5

Speak your heart woman, it's the only way to get your point across. Some people never will change, I'm not saying this makes him/her a bad person, just irresponsible to the needs of the other. Not to mention your current husband is a serious health risk to you. Don't forget not everyone is free of the dreaded STD's. So in order to take care of yourself so you can be there for your children "dump the cheater".

Answer 6

Say what you have to say to make it a reality. If that means being cruel in the short term then so be it. When the fresh start has been made by both of you it will not signify what you did to get there.

Answer 7

I am not sure what he has done, but maybe he is sorry.
I am not one to ever encourage divorce unless there is abuse. If you truely are unhappy and don't feel that the marriage can be saved then you should keep telling him to leave. That is all that you can do. If he won't leave file for a seperation and that will give him clue that you mean it. Good luck

Answer 8

Well if you are done with it then it is over. However, if he pays the rent I think you should be finding a place. He may have messed up but you should be the one leaving if he is the one paying the bills. If you are then tell him peace.

Answer 9

It's not what you say but what you do. Your actions speak louder than your words and same for him cause he keeps saying it'll be better, but he's not doing it. And you keep saying it's over, but you're not making him leave. Just be strong do what you gotta do and stick to it. It's will be for the better.

Answer 10

Get a lawyer and he can tell him.