Hubby still having affair with same gal although we are working on rebuilding our marriage?

Question

I'll appreciate any kind of response just to keep my mind and fingers busy, so i don't get overwhelmed by the hurt and do something stupid.. i have a 3 yr old son to think of..
I found out bout his affair bout 1 and half years ago so he confessed right there that their relationship was over and we both decided 2 try 2 make our marriage work again after seeing a counsolor. We both tried, I prayed and forgave him, and it was so hard 2 trust again. He tried 2 b accountable everywhere he went, but recently he stopped calling and smsing his whereabouts. Instead he's been coming home later and later, and he is very defensive and evasive. I stumble across porn vids (recently bought), reciepts to movies I've never seen etc. Tonight I found out his ex-gf been sending love letters, thanking him 4 being there 2 support her, waiting for him 2 join her. If I talk 2 him he might get violent, I wan 2 leave but will the court grant me custody if i leave the marital home 1st? Can our marriage b saved?

Update today: 2 nights ago I talked and showed the love letter from his ex-gf to his mom and my parents, he came back and threatened to physically assault me and my mom unless i handed over my mobilephone. I was going to call the police but i didn't wan my 60 yr old mom to get hurt, (coz he punched my dad b4) so i gave up my hp, i was shivering in fright and crying, he demanded I leave our house. I'm staying with my parents now. i don know wat to do. i can get a restraining order and maintainance order but i'm not sure i wan a divorce. Is it possible to live with some1 after i do that? Should I still try to make this marriage work if he lies and tries 2 keep his affair a secret? i cannot change him. no one can. should i still hold on? argh i'm so confused, thanks for all your advice here, but is there any, any kind of hope ? what is the best scenario, can som1 paint me a picture or relate some kind of personal story? i want to know it doesn't always have to end this way in divorce..

wow, thank Q for all your fantastic replies. I feel so thankful and touched. Thks 4 all ur love concern n ur experiences. My parents have been echoing exactly wat u all have advised. I don feel so discouraged now knowing some of u have gone thru exactly wat i
ve been thru and have still found happiness. i guess coz i was abit naive (i'm28). I filed a police report on his abuse that night and included his past physical assaults on me. I'm still heartbroken tho. but i at least now i know there's hope for my son n me. he is still calling me up in my parents home and threatening to sell the house, call his lawyer, chain our marital hme door, kick out ourcats unless i return to him. I told him i will come provided we c a conselor, he refused. sigh. Luckily my mom told me to take all impt docs with me dat day. like my bb's birth cert and my ID n passports. silly me putting up with almost 2 yrs of fear n abuse, unfaithful lying creep (married 8yrs2him) thank god 4 my parents.

i've been staying wif my parents since that day he took my hp n threatened me to leave.. anyways, thanks agaIN for all ur replies, i guess i better close this qn.

Answer 1

You not only WANT a divorce....you NEED a divorce. You gave him a 2nd chance and he blew it! Furthermore, he has threatened you, your mother, and your father physically and it sounds like he's threatened mentally as well. GET OUT OF THERE!!!! You have kids to think about!

I can tell you from recent experience that it does not matter who leaves the marital home, and I'm proud of you for going to your parents. You need to protect your 3 year old. Get yourself a lawyer (there is legal aide available most cities) and get your restaining order into place as soon as possible.

If your marriage can be saved, it will take counselling and counselling, and counselling. Don't even consider going back under the same roof as this man until you see the changes he is making and you have definitive proof that he has left this other woman and has no contact with her. I want to remind you that you've already done a lot to try to save the marriage and what resulted was more threats and more cheating. You can get through this separation! I won't lie to you - it will be painful at times and very hard to accept, but you and your child deserve more. Living like this is not setting a good example for your child!

Answer 2

Ok, I'm going to answer your question by telling a story. Six years ago I got married to a woman and everything was wonderful, we had our first child and then things changed, for the worse, My wife had decided that she wasn't being satisfied in our marriage, she had put forth an offer that most men wouldn't refuse, but because of the circumstances of being a new father and having a family, I refused. She continued to pursue her fantasy and had an affair. I had left, a few months later she came crawling back crying, I forgave her because well it was the right thing to do, when i left her she would not alow me to see my child and i missed him very much and he was not even a year old at the time. So I went back to my misery of a marriage. She became controlling to the point where i was made to sit on the floor by her feet, I did it because of my child. throughout the six years she had seven affairs, she contracted an std after the first affair which she did not tell me untill after the 3rd. Needless to say I went back for my child each time, I waited in misery for 5 years because my first memory as a child was when I was 5. So I figured he would remember me. The last affair she had she had planned for 5 months, she planned to take my income tax, four cars, and everything I owned, and move this person in and me out in the same day. She did it. When I went for divorce the courts pulled the woman card, yes it still today holds true, The woman will in 98 percent of divorces keep the child, no matter how badly she treated a person. This woman conned me. Lied under oath, and even went as far as to have my 5 year old son tell the state that I molested him. My rights as a father were removed, then they found me innocent, did I get my rights back? No, unfortunately the damage was done. I am currently starting completely over, and have never been happier, even being completely alone, with nothing. See when a person does you so wrong the only thing you have is family. You being a woman is a huge advantage to you. play your cards right. Don't put up with the abuse, you will just remain miserable. get an order of protection. I know it's just a piece of paper but it means the world. as far as your marriage is concerned, do you really want to live like this for ever? Think about it. alot. then decide what you want out of life. It took me six years, I wish I left sooner.

Answer 3

I think with the violence and the threats, that put the final close to your marriage. It is over. You should immediately see an attorney about everything - and most definitely get a restraining order for yourself and your parents. And your child!
I know as a mother, you worry about the custody issues. You should keep copies of every bit of evidence you have and make sure they are in a safe place.
You probably want to stay in your home. Ask the attorney about that - today, as soon as possible - and find out how to handle it. If you fear for your safety, I don't know how staying in the home you shared with him is going to make you feel any better if you are there alone. Perhaps you could have your parents or some friends stay with you.
The important thing is to act now, with all the legal support behind you that you can muster. Your marriage is over - there's no reason to ever return to that unsafe situation.
Think of this, were you to do that, what your son will remember as he grows up is his mother being beaten. You have concerns about your son and you think of him. Well, this is not the right place for him, either.

Answer 4

Sorry but I stopped reading after he started coming home late, I am sorry to say this but, once a cheater always a cheater, you let him get away with it once don't you know that you forgave him and he now knows that he can do it again as he knowing that you will again for give him, sorry but, that is not acceptable. It doesn't matter if you have kids, don't you honestly think you deserve better? Why in gods name would you put up with that? I am sorry but, not only is he hurting, disrespecting you and your child he is does not love you. If he did, everytime you walked in the room his heart would pound, he would alway have you on his mind and could not wait until you come home or him from work just to see you. You two would be so happy that you wouldn't notice anyone else or anything around you, that feeling of being truly in love never goes away. No matter how much you know one another. I know this is not what you want to hear but, this is a fact and you have to honestly think if this is what you deserve, I think you deserve much better and if he is doing this to you then it is his lost, stand up for your self and take a stand and tell him you are not taking this from him and no you will not forgive and take his *** to court on adultry and make him pay for his stupidity. Good luck honey and sorry to hear this as I hate men like this.

Answer 5

Wow. Based on what you wrote, I'm wondering why you're still in this marriage. How can you both be rebuilding the marriage if he's out having an affair still? Right now you should think of yourself. I say that you have a 3 year old son to think of but what kind of example are you setting for him if you won't even leave a bad relationship. Don't use your child as an excuse to stay because you'll be miserable and eventually he will as well. Just get out while your still able to.

Answer 6

Look, I know divorce is never a happy option, but this man is FRIGHTENING you, treating you like a doormat, cheating, scaring your mum, he is violent and nasty.
YOU DONT WANT OR NEED HIM.............................
You have to be strong now....move on. Get some help from a womens group. Get some legal advice. Speak to the police. He is going to try and get at you thru using stand over and scare tactics. Keep all your evidence of the affair, get your mum and dad to make police reports about his violence. There is help out there you just have to make some phone calls. If you stay, it wont be good. You need to look out for you and your child. Do you really want your child bought up in this kind of environment? Think of the implications later on. Be strong. You deserve so much better......Please get out and stay out. I have been in the same situation. I had my mobile phone taken away, my car keys, my purse and even the home phone unplugged and taken away.....he took my kids in a rage and left me stranded at home. I will never forget that terrifying day, not knowing if he was hurting my kids, being unable to get help or contact anyone.....but now I am in a new home, with a wonderful new man, who has showed me how wonderful truely being in love can be. He treats me so well. You could have that too, you just need to the courage to get out there. Good luck. Be strong. Take care.

Answer 7

Well first of all if he's getting mean then all its going to do is get worse. Your custody question, in most states they give custody over to the mother unless there is some proof or reason that the mother is unfit. If you can prove is infedility then you will get custody. Especially if your mother and father testify that he is getting abusive. But if he's acting that way your best bet is to get out while you can. Get a restraining order. My husband and i went through something like that when he slept around on me once. We ended up working it out and he hasn't done it since. But if yours is keeping his affair going then he's not going to stop. If you are miserable in your home your son will feel the tension between the 2 of you and he will be miserable.

Answer 8

I am sorry that you are facing a devastating situation. Ask yourself if you want to build still? If yes, then this same question should be addressed to your husband. If the answer is no, a divorce is the solution. If the answer is yes, and you see a sincere wish from him to protect your marriage, you could consider to forgive while raising your firm expectations to your husband of the time to come . I know it's not easy to forget so it's harder to forgive (as I experience the same thing). Anyway, if you truly forgive and you both have plan to move ahead, love could be sweeter and stronger than ever.

Answer 9

Get a Good attorney immediately and he will more than likely tell you to also get a restraining order. He will also tell you if you can have the house and he has to leave. If you get the house, change all the locks so there's no chance he can get in. This is a violent relationship and the sooner you get out the better! Lean on your family and closest friends for support and be strong for yourself and child.

Answer 10

If he is abusive, then get out, quickly! Did he just become abusive after he started the affiar, or has he always been that way? If you have been to couseling and that hasn't helped, and he is still having the affair, then what is there to save? Apparently he doesn't want to save the marriage. My main concern is the abuse though. There is someone out there for you that you can be happy with. I am sure that the courts would not grant custody to him just because you left because of abuse and adultry. I wish you luck with this problem