serious question about marriage and lust...?

Question

Okay, so I was just in a chat room where a bunch of women proceeded to tell me how they are swingers, and that I have unrealistic views of marriage because my husband and I want to be faithful to each other.

We are both Christians and believe that lust is a form of adultery. So he strives to not even look at another woman lustfully. That doesn't mean we don't "notice" attractive people. But we don't lust over them, or think of them sexually.

We aren't perfect, but we sure do strive to please each other, and love each other faithfully. Not only for ourselves, but for God.

Anyway, romance to us is being committed and devoted to ONE. To not even look lustfully at others. Not even a guy or girl on a magazine.

The people I was talking to thought I was nuts and honestly, it was sad. I just wanna hear from some other men or women that think this way in their marriage and truly, deep down, don't want to think about or have sex with other people. That love is worth fighting for.

i was in a BABY chat room, for my newborn... and they brought up cheating on their husbands

Answer 1

To each their own. If you don't like the topic, don't participate. Seems like curiosity is sitting in the back of your mind.

Answer 2

I think that when you hear people like that, it is no wonder that society is in the state that it is in now with all the divorce that this country deals with. People no longer look at marriage as a one time thing but instead it is looked at like "a fade" of some sort or the "in thing" to do. It is sad that people think that it is unrealistic to not want to lust after someone else or want to be faithful to the one person that you are married too. I find it to be absolutely normal and find them as the weird ones that have some serious issues.

You are doing the right thing. My wife and I feel the same way about marriage, but it could be because we are Christians too.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like it's fairly apparent from their actions that they feel unfulfilled in their marriages, and are trying to replace that hollow place with something to fill the gap (even if it's personally destructive and will only make the problem worse).

I'm in complete agreement with you, it does sound kind of sad. Not to be judgemental (for all I know they are all good people) it just sounds like they are unfulfilled and unhappy.

I think a healthy sex drive is a little like fire. It makes a good servant but a dangerous master. Meaning that within the confines of a committed marriage, sex is integral to helping solidify that intimate connection we all need, and a very healthy thing. But when this gift is misused, well it makes me sad that such an important act can be so devalued.

As for looking at other people and noticing whether they are attractive, that's just part of being human (and I see nothing wrong with it). But the sex act should be treated as something special, not something you would share with any old stranger.

Answer 4

As a Christian, you are going to be looked at as nuts.. this is perfectly normal.. and the Bible told you that it would be this way. So another way to look at it is this.. if people think you're nuts for having morals and values.. then you must be doing something right.

You aren't supposed to be like the world, so this is a good thing indeed.

Jesus did say that to look at another man or woman other than your spouse in lust, is committing adultery. So you don't do it.

But.... people tend to falsely assume that Christian don't throw down in the bedroom just because they uphold a value system that this perverted world doesn't adhere to.

As a Christian myself, I can attest to the fact that this couldn't be further than the truth. A husband and a wife can get as freaky as they want to get.. as long as the two of them are the only parties involved.

You are right... and yes.. love is still worth fighting for.

BTW.. Christians can't be wimps. You must develop a thick skin if you're going to follow Christ. Look to him as a great example of how you should treat others' opinions of you. He didn't care :)

Answer 5

I think that it is important to have ideals and to strive for them. Cute too how oblivious you are.

I think it's absurd to think that noticing and being attracted to someone other than your spouse it a sin. I don't believe anyone that says that they don't look at the opposite sex or think about them in that way just because they are married.

Being married, being Christian, being a heathen, being an atheist - none of those things make you any less or any more human. And saying that it does makes you the biggest sinner of all - a judgmental hypocrite.

Stay away from websites. Don't respond to chats about swinging if the reason you are doing it is to have a chance to get up on your soapbox and preach about how moral and Christian you are.

I, like all people living today, have never met Jesus Christ, but I know enough about him to know this - he would have had disdain for you - because you take it upon yourself to judge.

Answer 6

I think it may be unrealistic to never have impure thoughts, or to never feel a flash of lust, but you can certainly avoid _dwelling_ on them.

Note the differance between the following three scenarios:

Husband is walking down the street, and a very attractive and well (tastefully but sexy) dress woman walks in front of him.
A) he doesn't notice that she's attractive (unlikely 100% of time)
B) his mind thinks "wow, look at that" followed by thinking "I can't wait to get home to MY beautiful wife"
C) He thinks about this woman the rest of the day.

A ... is pretty difficult for most people. C, lots of people live. B is possible.

Of course, the two of you striving to please each other helps make 'B' more likely. If you two shut each other out, denied each other intimacy, affection or sex, 'C' - complete with fantasies about the other party being affectionate and responsive - would be much harder to avoid.

Answer 7

ok.... I agree w/ you on moral fiber but what if.... there is so much dark pain from problems that you just give up? You don't feel like trying b/c there r so many tears from trying & from having been hurt & then you let yourself fall in love w/ another. Then both people feel it . there r commitmets on both sides . People will get hurt but you both realize that is the key to your happiness .. What then? Do you walk away understanding that you will stay & be unhappy the rest of your life? Once that pain is in the heart there is no running away from it is there? It never goes away..... So then what . You can try & try & try .. Yes a true heart is important but then so is it to be realistic as to the life you will have. Once that respect is lost you will never get it back....... I have to ask myself will it be better to just let go & move on to happiness or stay and keep trying for something where the respect will never be maintained!!!!!! Looking at another is not always about LUST!!!!!! It is never BLACK & WHITE >>>> NEVER!!! If you ty to make it that way both people better be on the same page.... & that usually don't happen b/c of a untrue heart somewhere.........

Answer 8

Ok, I'm writing this respectfully, with no intention to insult or shock.

People have a whole range of definitions regarding relationships, lust, etc.

You are perfectly entitled to your feelings and beliefs.

But, chat rooms are definitely not the best place to discuss sexual matters. Too many people are just looking to annoy, insult or shock.

That said, we've been happily married for over 36 years, and we went through a brief period in our relationship where we decided to "experiment" with extra-marital fun. It was a mutual agreement, with no "arm twisting" from either one.

This is not something I would "recommend" to anyone, but it is not that uncommon, either.

We returned to a more "normal" monogamous relationship and it was just one of those "been there-done that" experiences. Fun, but not something we expected to do for the rest of our lives. We suffered no "permanent damage." It was fun. It was also - at times - a problem, but nothing is without problems.

Regarding fantasy, Helen Fisher ("The First Sex," Ballantine Books, Feb. 2000) says that 71 percent of men and 72 percent of women fantasize while having sex with a partner. Men fantasize about conquest and domination, women about submission and surrender.

Dr. Joyce Brothers says, "It might relieve some of your guilt to know that many happily married individuals who have no thought or intention of ever betraying their spouse have sexual fantasies about someone other than their spouse."

Answer 9

My husband and I are like that. I have notice how he will roll his eyes when he sees a girl dressed like a slut. That doesn't turn him on, it disgusts him. I don't even look at other men that way anymore.... when I think of someone who is sexy and handsome I think of my husband.

We both also know how life is and make sure we never put ourselves in a situation where someone could try to make a move on us or even develop an attraction. We are truly devoted to each other through good and bad and we have our fair share of both.

I don't think you and your spouse are nuts. I think you are both very sure of what you want and know that love is hard work and alot of faith, but to be with one person is wonderful and special. Something to be proud of.

Don't listen to what others say... you are on the right track in your marriage. Pat yourself on the back... blessings to you both!

Answer 10

Marriages are consistent with the two and now and lower back different issues. each is unique. Marriages and different committed relationships ought to be consistent with mutual admire, affection, and honesty, yet now and lower back they are not. I see extremely some human beings get married for economic motives. I even have extremely some touch with militia families and sooooo many are consistent with getting insurance or bigger pay or greater beneficial housing. the militia has a severe divorce fee, needless to say, greater often than not because of the fact human beings get married to remedy short-term issues. while those issues end to exist, human beings discover themselves married to a miles better half they do no longer likely preserve. Affairs and divorces take place. i think of lowering divorce fees will stick to a more suitable economic gadget, wherein persons don't experience compelled to marry for the economic advantages.

Answer 11

I concur. My husband and I are not christian or any other religion for that matter, but we feel the same way. Our opinion is that "swinging" is just a way for a group of people who have no self control to justify cheating. I personally have a family member who was married and they used to "swing" with other couples. That is until they both ended up with Herpes Simplex Virus and found out that the father of their child wasn't the father of their child. I say to each their own but like anything in life we have to be ready to face the consequences of our actions. They've since divorced and gave up trying to find out who the father was but I still remember them telling us "how fun it was". Doesn't sound like too much of a good time to me...losing everything and screwing up some poor kids' life for a "different wet spot" here and there!