Do i have the right to be upset?

Question

I started seeing my boyfriend shortly after he'd come out of a year and a half relationship. He and his ex didn't have much contact and that seemed fine with everyone. Its now 6 months into it and she's started contact. Alot. She'll email him a few times a week, they recently met up to give each other old stuff back and ended up going for a drink and catch up. She's since been intouch and mentioned atleast three times how great it was to see him and when can they meet up again?

I would love to have been friends with my ex who meant a lot to me, so half of me understands why they might want to keep in contact...i can rationalise all i want, but bottom line is it bothers me!

If I bring it up he gets annoyed and defensive and makes me feel like i'm being jealous and unreasonable. Maybe I am, I just want him to be abit sensitive and understand that I might feel weird about it, as im sure he would if the tables were turned.

Am I wrong to be annoyed by this??

Answer 1

You have every right to have ANY feelings that you have towards that situation. It sounds like you are trying your BEST to be supportive and understanding (and actually giving him a LOT more trust and freedom then many girls in your same position would!) Its COMPLETELY normal to have some jealousy over this... after all it IS his ex and it hasnt been a long time since they broke up! What stands out to me though as a red flag is the fact that he seems to be quite defensive about your feelings rather then being understanding and trying to calm your fears! That makes me wonder if maybe there ARE still some feelings there between the two of them.

What I would do if I was in your position is NOT get mad at him when things about her come up but ask him if the two of you can talk when he seems to be in an approachable mood. Then rationally talk to him about your feelings. Tell him that you are in NO way trying to ruin his friendship with her but that you feel a bit insecure about it all. Make sure NOT to accuse him of anything (using the words "YOU did this" or "YOU did that") because that will surely get him defensive. Ask him how HE would feel if you still had contact with YOUR ex and ask him to just take a minute to put himself in your shoes. Tell him that you are just wanting to be reassured of his feeling towards you and your relationship!

If you feel like he is still defensive or that he is trying to hide things from you then I hate to tell you but it will then look like there are probably still feelings between the two of them and that wont be good for YOUR relationship with him (and you may want to think about looking elsewhere for love!)

Who knows, perhaps it will all work out and YOU can possibly find a new friend in her also... maybe the three of you (with her bringing a date of her own) can go out for drinks or a dinner date ALL TOGETHER!!

I felt the SAME way when I started dating my husband! Except he had been with his ex for 7 years and they shared a child together. There was a good year that we fought about her (although he ALWAYS tried to see things from my side and reassured me of his feeling for ME). Now, 6 years later we are actually ALL pretty good friends. In fact I think that his ex and I are CLOSER then HE is with her... which is WONDERFUL since there is a child involved!! We even get together once a year (her and her husband with me and mine and our 3 children combined) and spend a whole WEEKEND together as a FAMILY (because since there ARE children involved we ARE a family whether we really want to be or not!!)

Hope that this helps and that your relationship can survive this bump in the road!

Answer 2

One of my ex's is one of my best friends...and my fiancee is friends with a few of his ex's. We hang out as a group and alone and there has never been a problem. We are secure in our relationship and have trust for eachother. If either one of us thought that any "feelings" still existed than there would be some ground rules set. If he got defensive, I would immediatly know it was more that just firends...he may just be having an emotional affair now but it will turn it more sooner or later. If it was totally innocent he would invite you to join them at the bar, after all you are his woman now and he should want you to go. Blunt and straight foward with him. Tell himto just listen and not talk. Don't accuse him. Ask him to be honest with you about how he feels about his ex. Tell him if he feels he can't give all of himself to you than he should tell you because you at the very least want to keep your pride. Has hard as it is, give him an easy out, if he stays you will know he really cares, if he leaves you are all the better off with out him and you won't be tagged along.

After all everyone has a "what if" person...

Answer 3

why does it bother you,and it sounds like you are a bit jealous ,and unreasonable, you have only been dating 6 months it's not like you are married , i think you should calm down, i wouldn't worry about it unless once are twice a week turns into everyday and night , i mean my ex bf and his girl come to my house and hangout w/my fiancee and i they stay the night and everything and my fiancee and my ex bf get along great ,as a matter of fact my ex bf is planning my fiance's bachelor party ,but i kind of get you might be a little rattled by the whole your man hanging out w/his ex , why don't you invite the girl over for dinner or whatever and get to know her before you get all upset and bothered , it would probably work for both of you in he'll think you are trying to be understanding ,and it will work for you as in you could check her out , you never know you and her could become great friends, my ex bf and his girl are good friends, so give it a chance , good luck

Answer 4

i don't think you're wrong to be annoyed, but the truth is, a person is NEVER prepared to jump into a new relationship shortly after coming out of a year and a half relationship.

you, my dear, are the rebound girl. and it's not fun or funny. i know, i've been there, done that.

a person needs time to readjust to life after a break up. they need time to grieve. your boyfriend never came up for air, never grieved or took time to "recover" from the relationship with his ex. instead, he got involved again....

of course he doesn't know what he wants!

and he is being defensive because of this.

do what's best for you.

Answer 5

I agree with Violet Pearl. Is not uinreasonable for you to feel this way. Tolerance has a limit and he is pushing that limit by engaging in inapropriate contact with a former flame.

If he respects you and your relationship, you should come first. If its too close for comfortm, then it's too much for comfort.

My bf kept being friends with an ex of his, they were together for 4 years, so I understood and it's cool with me; however, when the "ex-talk" got on my nerves, I told him that it was just too much for my taste. I didn't say it in an accusatory manner, but firmly said that I was here now and that I didn't appretiate her being the topic of convresation, not because I was jealous, but rather because I didn't care. I told him that a mention of her here and there was fine, but the constant ex talk was getting on my nerves.He understood and he never mentioned her again.

Although I never asked him to stop talking about her and I never asked him to stop talking TO her, he did. One day in one of our conversations long after the episode, he told me that he had "cut all ties" with people that he considered to be "good friends" with because he respects me and our relationship. I knew exactly who was he talking about. I WON and I didn't even have to ask.

Good luck

Answer 6

Canes might have the experiance part, however the Bruins have the offensive part, the protecting part, the specai lteams part and the Goalie part. Bruins in 4 perchance 5 if the Canes get fortunate. ANd the Canes did no longer in basic terms beat the in basic terms right goalie in the NHL, considering it extremely is Tim Thomas, atleast this twelve months, in basic terms right GAA and in basic terms right save %.

Answer 7

Are you wrong to be annoyed that someone he shared an intimate relationship with is back in the picture vying for his attention? Of course not. Get him to picture it with the tables turned, if he still can't see it, maybe you need to think twice about him, it sounds like he isn't over her really.

Answer 8

I will Give you this much.Your boyfriend is being unreasonable He wants to have his cake and eat it too.He is showing enough disrespect for your relationship.He is hanging on to his past because he does not envision a future with you.you do not need this

Answer 9

You have every right to be annoyed, and upset. But please do not waste your energy or time. The truth of the matter is he is ditching you to spend time with her and likes her attention (ie: is not over her) Simply let him know that you do not want to share custody of him with her and he is free to chat, email and lunch with her whenever and as often as he wishes because you have better things to do then wait to see who he wants more. (men are such babies)

Answer 10

Don't be annoyed at her, be annoyed at him. It his behavior bothers you and you've told him and he ignores you in favor of dating his last girlfriend, move on. You're not being unreasonable, he is. He sounds like a jerk.