Does our marriage sound like it will work out?

Question

My husband and I were getting a house built for the last year and I just got signed off the purchase contract yesterday. He is still on the purchase contract and will probably buy the house with a friend. I have been thinking about divorcing him for about 3 years now and we've been married for 4. I have left to my moms house about 7 times because of the fighting but always end up coming back in a day or two. I don't know what's wrong with me but even when we are not fighting I always think about what it would be like if I were in a relationship with someone else. Nothing sexual, I just don't get the physical attention I need from him like the hugs,kisses,cuddling that I need. I have told him many many times about this. But he is just not the type of person to give this affection. I feel like he doesn't love me all of the time because he doesn't do those things but I know he really does love me. We have two kids together and it seems like after 5 years we yell at eachother even worse.

I feel like it's not fair to him for me to always be thinking of other men. Again, not sexually. I have tried to control these thoughts but I just cant seem to.

I'm afraid of what it will do to our kids if we do divorce. And what it will do if we don't.

Answer 1

Sounds like you are done. Make yourself happy and choose a path. Which ever direction you choose, follow through with it. You have to stop leaving and coming back or you need to leave and stay gone. Choose a path.

Answer 2

I'll tell you a secret. If you leave him and find another guy, eventually, you will probably have the same issue.
Instead of you waiting for him to come to you and give you a hug and a kiss, go up to him and do it. You can't control what he does, only what you do. Maybe he's just not an outwardly emotional person. If he's not, it is unfair to expect him to become one over night. It is going to take time and training. Grab his hand in the car, hold his hand if your walking together, put your arm around him if you are sitting next to each other, and when he's around and you feel like you need a hug, go up to him and give him one. If you need a kiss, go up to him and plant one on him. Eventually he will get used to it and he will start to reciprocate. You can't put all the blame on him. You need to show him how it's done.
You also need to work on your security issues. It's one thing to want those things from him, but it's different if you feel like if you don't get it he doesn't love you. A lot of men don't necessarily show their wives a lot of affection. it doesn't mean he doesn't love you. It usually means he's so comfortable in the relationship that he assumes that you already know. We all need a little reassurance sometimes, and hugs and kisses are nice, but it shouldn't have to be constant.

Answer 3

Were you young when you and your husband got together? I was 17, now 20, and while my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years were together I was so unhappy, but stuck it out because we have an 18 month old son together. I know the feelings of always thinking of what it would be like with someone else. He too, of course was talking to other women and it wasn't going to work. If you are truly not happy, then you cannot make anyone else happy, including your children. I hope you will be able to make the right decision and put yourself first because your children aren't married to him, you are. And as long as you believe you are a great mother than it shouldn't matter if you two are together or not. Good luck on everything, and just remember... think of yourself first!

Answer 4

you sound like me.except i don't want another man.i don't get affection either and have told him too.my husband stays outside alot.sleeps on sofa bed.i don't leave him but wish i could sometimes.i have told him so many times how i feel but does no good.we even went to see a counselor.counslor could not fiqure him out either.we aren't going now.we have been married almost 43 years.this has been getting worse in last 10-15 years.our only daughter age died jan 06.we are raising her 11 year old daughter.our 4mo old great granson died[sids]dec 05.we have 4 sons and 9 total grandkids.i am 65 and he is 68.he had open-heart surgery mar 06.not sure where the problem lies for us 2 women.maybe more counseling.i pray about this nothing getting better.i will never give up.there is hope.i have faith.we are retired.hope things get better for you too.i will pray for you.i know how you feel.i know my husband loves me but we are stuck.if you find an answer let me know.we have another great grandson due next month.take care.

Answer 5

I can tell from what you've written that you really do love your husband. I can even tell that the thoughts of being in relationships with other people and receiving affection.. are really things that you would rather have from him.

One thing you haven't mentioned though, is whether or not you've been tried counseling? Marriage counseling should always be the last step before seperation and divorce. Actually, counseling should be moved up a few steps!!

You both have wants and needs that aren't being met by the other.. but they could be, with proper communication.

Gently present this idea to him, and see if he is willing. For the sake of the children, if for no other reason.

You can do it... good luck!

Answer 6

Some people are just not right for each other, regardless of how they feel. You seem needy and insecure, that is not a good trait to have. Wanting your partner to satisfy those problems in you, might not change with someone else. It's very likely that even with someone new they will return. After all your current husband satisfied those needs early in the dating portion of your relationship or you wouldn't have married him. Your problem is you constant need, maybe someone else will work out better. However that is a big risk to take considering it will effect kids. Keep in mind that any new guy will have other problems, no one is perfect.

Either accept your husband the way he is, or divorce him...your choice.

Answer 7

obviously it hasnt worked before and its not going to change in the future......if you have thought all this time about divorcing him that probably means your not happy.....as for your kids, well its better for them see you alone and happy than with their father and see all the fighting and you leaving the house every time......my mother in law has breast cnacer and an 11 year old kid she just left her husband because of the same reason and we can tell the kid is so happy to be with his brother, his mom and i, instead of being scared of his fathers temper........as for a physical attention, as a couple if that its not present whats the point of having a husbad, because thats what having a husband is for, kissing you hugging you and making your lifes happy not the opposite.

good luck

Answer 8

If your thinking about divorce you are clearly not happy. Why on Earth would you sign your name on a house that you legally responsible for? Not only do is that stupid but believing your husband is going to change is just as bad. What you have is what you get, if your not happy now its only going to get worse. Don't sign papers on a house, credit cards, cars, loans etc especially if you think about divorce!

Answer 9

i think it is a case of, the grass is always greener, if you left him maybe you will regret it and he might find someone else. it will be too late then. if he isnt affectionate, then you will have to be the one to initiate it, if you really love him i am sure you will try to make it work. thinking what it would be like with other men is probably normal, but acctually doing it will be terrible for the kids. maybe a longer separation will give you a better idea if you really miss him. hopefully then you will know.

Answer 10

I can undestand how you feel.. my ex wife same as your husband and I told her how i felt and she seems not understanding how i felt and it not fair for me to keep on going... so We do fight all the time even if stupidiest thing. but gosh... it never solved.. and she always depend on her parents and I like why you married me if you don't want my support??? so she threat divorce me 4 times in last 8 months and I end it right there... like you said what it like to be like if I am with different person....????

I met my new wife and wow, yes we have up and down but we always everyday love eachother kissed every time we go out the door and arrived home and go to bed. and Even give kisses to my kids drop them pre school and pick them up kisss them how much Imissed them and arrived home and they goes to bed give them kisses... and we all tell eachother how much we love each other... i mean wow... My wife told me like you told your husband and made me think wow it not fair for her... so what do I do???? Fix the plm...If I truly love my wife more than anything in the world I would fix it for her to make it last long forever.

We will be married for 10 years in Oct. 31st 2007. My wife gave me 3 beauitufl kids... Daugther 4 now and son will be 3 in June and My new born baby girl 2 weeks old... The best thing in the world... my ex no kids knew that it will not work out ... why have kids if we fight all the time ya know.

So, my wife and kids are in sacramento for 2 weeks won't be back until May 6th... you know how much It killing me not see them but talk to them on the phone and hearing them say I love you honey and Daddy... gosh... bored at home I really want to go but I have to wait until next week thursday and then friday morning see them... hugs them and spend the day with them and longer.. can't wait to bring them home May 6th.

So I can see how you feel about... and you told your husband many times and what he do not fixed for you.. not fair for you... so you might have to leave him and find someone who like me listen and give ... my wife and I never get bored saying I love you and kisses and talk about how our days and even kids too... so if he did loves you he would change it to make this marriage better but he didn't... I am glad I did if I didn't i would not last 10 years like in Oct. but sure didn't feel like 10 years LOL..

Be smart and tell him how you feel and if things don't change you will leave him... not fair one person suffer and one won't change. ya know... it take 2 people to make this marriage works.