How do cope when your love from family is conditional. You are unable to argue and unable to ask for help??

Question

My parents have long term problems with..well everyone, they speak to no one AT ALL in our family, due to different and various conflicts and arguements they feel validates having no relashionship with the person ever again. Due to this we (my sisters and I) also have little or no relationship with the rest of the family, if we do we are treading carefully as to not upset our parents. I now have my own child and at times are finding it extremly difficult, I can afford childcare but my own personal beleif is that you cant pay for true love and caring and in some circumstances with kids they could behave worse when they are left in childcare more.
Its extremly isolating in that I cant voice my opinion and thoughts of fears and weaknesses, for fear of critiszm or offense to them. How do you cope when the love you get from your own parents is conditional? I have no close friends to ask for help, and want more than anything help on how not to put this same fault onto my own child.

Answer 1

Keep close to your sister and no matter what, never ever lose bond with her. You are all the other one has. Parents have issues, who's don't? It is not your responsibility to uphold their grudges. If you wish, contact your estranged family members and see if they would like to keep in touch with you, aside from what ever happened between themselves and your parents. If they do, that's wonderful, that is YOUR life, if not, you have your sister and your own child, start over with your little family. Remember, it's QUALITY not QUANTITY. Good luck to you!

Answer 2

Man,your story sure hits home 4 me. I dont have an exact answer to your situation but 4 me after 34 years of the same family matters , the only thing I could do is come to grips with the fact that they are who they are and probably wont change. Stop worrying about what might offend them and do what makes you happy. They're going to be miserable with or without you, misery loves company. Don't get sucked in!!

Answer 3

It can be very difficult sometimes to not pass along the traits our parents gave us to our children. It sounds like you are on the right track though since you recognize your parents conditional love and how faulty it is. It sounds like it wouldn't even be healthy to voice your fears to your parents because they would not be able to help you. It sounds like you need an outlet for your problems. If I were you I would look for some kind of counseling. If you have health insurance, they may cover therapy sessions, or there are social services out there that provide cheap or free services to people in need, especially young mothers. Therapy may help you better understand your parents, your child, and yourself so you may be better informed how to not pass along those negative traits to your child.

Answer 4

The ever-burning and tormenting "hell fire" is a common misunderstanding of the Bible. The history of this misunderstanding is very old, but it is primarily derived from not studying the Bible in earnest. Indeed, even Bible scholars make major mistakes based upon assumptions that they bring with them to the Bible. The popular concept of 'hell' is one such assumption. One can begin to see the foolishness of an ever-lasting torture in hell, when one reads that hell itself will be destroyed at the end of God's judgment (Revelation 20:14). However, there is a punishment that awaits those who will not change from doing evil works; and that punishment is death, not an ever-lasting, living torture (Romans 6:23, Ezekiel 18:20, Matthew 10:28). But belief in God will not be an issue by the end of God's judgment. EVERYONE will KNOW that God exists before judgment is passed. Hebrews 8:11 -- None of them shall teach his neighbor, and none his brother, saying, 'Know the Lord,' for all shall know Me, from the least of them to the greatest of them. .

Answer 5

So sorry it is like this for you. My first advice is to love your child unconditionally. I wish that everyone could do this.
Have you ever just sat down with your parents, tell them you love them, but also tell they how they make you feel. That might be hard to do but you just never know-they might not realize how they seem to you and your sisters.
Another thing you might try sounds kind of strange but I have tried this and it has worked. One man is doing it with prisoners that he doesn't know but has the names of.
How this works is mentally say or think, "Mom, Dad, I love you. I love you even though we seldom communicate. Even though my views are not like yours. Even though I don't understand you. I love you anyway."
I did this with my sister and we are now instant messaging and talking. We may never agree on a lot of things but we have found common ground.
I hope this helps!

Answer 6

it's so sad. your parents are highly egoistic, unrealistic critics.love surpasses everything. forgiving others is a gift. life teaches you in every stage to heal and correct yourself. eventhough you are born to such parents, you have a beautiful heart and broadmind. you are very correct-- you cannot evaluate the true love and caring. it's priceless. when a child grows in a good environment where the parents are bonded with true love and high moral values, he'll make the parents proud. so do what's right for your child. you 've to leearn to say no to others .you deserve better things in life.

Answer 7

I think it is healthier to be in daycare with children from all different families, than to be in a dysfunctional situation. My parents are very difficult and I paid for childcare rather than have to de-program my son every night after being in their company all day, or have to deal with negativity after a long day of work.

We visit my parents for short lengths of time so that we can make our escape when they start to talk about other people.

I also socialize with cousins that my mother hasn't seen in years. She can't even remember why she is mad at them. If my mother doesn't like it, she doesn't have to see me. that's the beauty of being grown up and on your own. Your parents can choose their company, but you can choose yours as well.

Answer 8

He**! I never even got 'conditional love from dad unless I had a bottle of whiskey and the condition was gone when the bottle was dry.Mom was scared to death of him and used me as a 'buffer panel'. Guess what my life is like now and I am a old man!!