Job or wife?

Question

A bit back grand about our marriage.

We married 7 years, no children as we love each other too much. And my husband is 20 years older than me. I meet him when I was in Uni. He is a lecturer in the University. The one of the many reasons that I wanted to marry him because I have very bad childhood, my dad was passed away when I was 16, then my mother got re-married very fast. I was lived in a home with no love from my both my parents. Finally, I thought find him( my husband), and I thought he is very mature and very settled.

However, since last year, he was offered a very well paid job in another country where would take 8 hours by flight. I am also have a very good job, and very good paid. My life is here, I do not wish to sell our house and give up my job move with him to another country, this job requires to travel at least 6 to 10 months a year. So he basically won’t be at home if he takes this job which he loves to take it. If he miss this chance, he will never get another one.

I love him, and want him do well in life. But I just simply don’t think it would work between two of us if he takes this job. I don’t want to have a double life. Having a husband who never here! I am sure many people having this kind of life, but I just don’t think that is what I wanted in life.

My husband now is coming back in 7 weeks time to discuss what he is going to do with this job with me…. what should I do?

this was started since last year, we had many talks again, again... no answer. I even went to another country end of last year, just to see how is this place etc… I really didn’t like it at all. I would not want to live there…. Then this year, as we agreed he is going to only take apart of this job, go there for 3 moths, then we will discuss again when he comes back. but I don’t think there never be a answer…

Answer 1

This is a decision that they 2 of you need to make together. I job will only get you so far, life is nothing if you don't have someone to share it with, someone to share your joy. Do not move if you feel that it is not for you, that will just make you resentful...good luck!

Answer 2

If your husband really values this job offer and wants to take it, why not agree to move with him with the understanding that you would stay there, both of you, for 5 years and then both of you move back to the area where you are now. Sometimes this can be a good compromise. You know you can return with a clear conscience and he knows that you tried to give the new place a chance. It's a short time - 5 years - but long enough for him to get some valuable job experience. There's always a small chance that you will like it.
If you two can't agree on this change, I think your marriage might be over. Do you want it to be? Consider that carefully.

Answer 3

If you love him as much as you say you do, then you ought to seriously consider moving with him ... but on the other hand, the age difference is such that there's always the chance he could pass away and leave you stranded somewhere you don't want to be.

If the travelling is as bad as you say it is, then you might be better off staying where you are and hoping that he can visit sometimes ...

At the end of the day, it's a decision not to be taken lightly and I can understand your concerns. I think you should take the middle ground and let him go to this job for 6 months while you stay in your job and home - then go to visit him and see how things are going. It may be that he doesn't really like the job and will move back with you but if he does, and you get to like the new surroundings, maybe you'll change your mind.

Answer 4

Have you considered traveling with him?
If he takes the new job you would leave your old one leaving you free to see a bit of the world with him.
If he couldn't take you along with him then the job is actually out of the question, moving you to a strange place where he would leave you alone most of the time, is too much to ask of someone you love, if he take the new job under these conditions you will know he loves his job more than you.
You are still young, he is old and growing older, the different stages of life that you are in may be showing up now and you want divergent things. The only thing you can do is tell him how you feel and listen to his answer. That will tell you where his mind is set, on you or his career.
That will tell you whether to divorce him and get on with your job and your life, or if he thinks enough of you and your marriage to turn it down.

Answer 5

Why don't you stay at your home for 6 months. At the end of that time make a decision if you want to continue living separately from your husband. Traveling to visit might be long but not impossible and definitely a lot easier for you than most because you don't have children to be concerned with. You don't have to worry about their needs or their school schedules etc...
Many military women go to other countries with their husbands and vice versa for their jobs and do well.
Marriage is difficult enough without being separated but if that's what you truly want then nothing prevents you from joining him at a later date.

Answer 6

I say go for it. If it is a job that is a once in a life time opportunity and it pays really well, you can find another job and may not even need to work so hard. Moving elsewhere will give you a chance to recreate your life. You may find with him gone you would like to fill the house with children....OR use that time to be a "big sister" and volunteer your time and love to children in the same childhood that you had, and change it for them. This is a golden opportunity for you as well, it seems.

Answer 7

I'm sure one of the things you knew when you got married was that sacrifice is a part of the deal. You need to sit down and weigh you options. If he's going to be traveling are you going with him or staying at home is so you may not need to move and can keep your job. But if you are to be involved in the traveling you need to see this as a new phase in your life and go with the flow. By stopping him from reaching further life goals can be suicide to your marriage and cause many more problems than you are willing to accept.

Answer 8

Just take the next 7 weeks to really think about what you want. Think about what you would really want in life. Would you be willing sacrifice by moving to another country. And you may or may not resent your husband for moving so far away. If you do move, be VERY sure thats what you want. I made the mistake of moving for my husband. And completely regret. We've been having problems since. If you really don't want to go, then don't. Love isn't always enough. I learned that the hard way.

Answer 9

You have two choices:

1. Stay where you are and he leaves for the new job.

2. Quit your current job, (you love him remember), pack up and move with your husband. Look at it as an adventure together. You can get another job once you are settled. If he's earning good money, maybe you could travel with him on some of his jobs.

Ultimately it's your decision. If it works out, then good. If not, then it was meant to be.

Good luck on your decision.

Answer 10

Best is to talk to him and convince to settle in the place where u r now...tell him how hard it was for both of u to make house of ur own and get a well paid job also..ask him "what is that u both dont have in place u have already have home and settled ?" and how difficult it is to settle again in life... yes leading double life or having a husband who is urs n still not there for u is what even i dont agree on..i wud go with my husband if i HAD to go on .... But i would try first talking to him

Answer 11

I'm really sorry to hear this.. u are in a tough and emotionally spot... ask him what is more important this job or his wife... for no money in the world would i be able to do what ur husband is doing i couldn't just leave like that.... u are his wife he belongs there with you.. you have been a part of his life for seven years you have been a loyal and trusting wife.. and he repays you with this.. it's not fair tell him your not guna be married to a ghost.. my boyfriend got a job offer in siberia.. and wanted to take it for 1 year and when he came back he would have enough money to retire.. but when i talked to him i said you have started a life with me and you wanna end it for money? and he said i would only be doing it for our future and thats when i explained there most likely wouldnt be a future no matter how much i loved him and i did and still do to this day i couldnt be without him drowning in tears and sorrow every night waiting on his return so he agreed to never take a job like that unless i could go with him.. just talk to him my boyfriend is the most stubborn person.. but i somehow got thru to him.... just say how you truely feel dont hold anything back and if he chooses his job then you'll know the answer to whats more important.. good luck and god bless you.