I have a young, beautful wife that has been really faithful and good to me. She was physcally abused as a kid?

Question

and when we get in arguments she becomes violent and abusive. I have never been with a woman like this that can be so good --and so bad. IIts really getting old and I am totally turned off by her now. I hate sleeping with her because I no longer see the sweetheart just hte monster.
Dont say go to therapy-that aint gonna change my lack of desire--what else u gpt?

Answer 1

Talk to her and explain that this is a very big issue to you. This seems to be a relationship ending type problem and she needs to know this. You need to be honest, open up and tell her this. It may cause problems initially but in the long run, you will be better off for having done it.

Answer 2

The physical desire for her stopped because she gets violent during an argument? Where's the make-up sex? Your wife knows no other way to react to arguments - this was how she was brought up. With patience and determination you CAN undo this. First when an argument begins - STOP - think about what the disagreement is about and decide if it's worth it - does it really matter which way the toilet paper faces? It's important that the empty roll was replaced! Secondly - don't fall into the trap of raising voices to outdo the other other person or to get your point across. Thinking before you speak is an often forgotten pasttime. Third - all people argue and most arguments are settled by agreeing to disagree & you just have to accept that & be respectful the other persons opinion - period! Last but not least - take yourself back to what made you fall in love with this woman in the first place - those qualities are most likely NOT gone, just being overshadowed by the negative things - try focusing or bringing back into the light - those qualities in her that usto shine so bright when you were dating or at least having better times!

Answer 3

Hi Vegas,
I would not tell you to go to therapy, but she seriously does Sweetie! You love her, that is obvious! I have been abused in the past and I lash out on my husband when I have some drinks. Because I have refused to look at my past, I kept drinking. That landed me in rehab, by my husband, thinking that would fix the anger. Not! Kept drinking because I felt so bad from my past that I could not and did not want to feel "fear" or rejection of any kind. ;) Hence, the question I had that you answered! btw, sweet!

I am now going to a great person once a week, and I am starting to get to the hurt and pain that I have felt for 20 years. Mind you, Mine started really early in life. I have gone to 3-4 therapists over time, and have never met one like I am seeing now.

It is a scary thing to open up about pain, because it portrays vulnerability, which viewed by me, got me the aqbuse in the first place. It is hard to be vulnerable for those who have been abused. But, If she cannot stand to go to therapy at this point, do something together on a weekly basis that produces trust between the two of you. Think of something she likes, and engage in that, whether it is silly or not.

If the abuse was when she was young, she missed out on her childhood. I am so sorry. You are a dear to help you, and her. Remember, you love her, and she needs the help. Hang in there! The beautiful, wonderful gal can get better!

Answer 4

I think that you should sit down and have a heart to heart with her. Speaking from personal experience this is not an easy situation for either of you. It sounds like she needs someone to help her get over some psychological issues that have never been dealt with. Hearing words or even seeing gestures that remind her of her past can put her right back into the past situations that were terrible for her. Unfortunatly you have no way of knowing what they are.
You and her may be able to break through this violent behavior together, but it may take years.
If you are not ready for such an in depth situation I suggest maybe taking some time off to reconsider your realtionship with her. I feel that she probably needs you more than ever right now, and if you are a good man you will look past her bad behavior, which will not be easy, and try your best to help her. Be open and honest with the way you feel and what needs to be achived to make the relationship work

Answer 5

Is she even aware that she's behaving this way? I was an abused child, myself, and I know that one can often act like the abuser without even realising it.

Often, when it's finally called to our attention, we're sorry... but we can behave that way again and again because we've had it ingrained that this is how to fight with another person.

I DID go to councelling, and I DO suggest councelling for HER. It really helped me to see what I was doing: becoming the 'monster' that I hated.

Now, about your end of it. How long have you two been together? Would you want to even bother helping her through therapy? DO you love her still? Enough to put up with whatever you have to put up with to support her getting over this? Make your choice... You CAN NOT leave her all by herself to try to fix EVERYTHING between you AND deal with her abuse on her own. But if you really can't stand being with her anymore, tell her that she needs help for this and that this is the reason you're leaving her.
But I'll tell you this, it's too easy to dump someone anymore.
No one wants to put up with other peoples troubles.. but they sure want someone else to help them deal with theirs.
Check into your reasons for being "totally turned off by her now." and hating to sleep "with her because I no longer see the sweetheart just hte monster. "
Check with yourself to see if you actually love her or not. Do you really care? if you do... I don't see how taking care of her is a problem...
Tell her she's becoming abusive and that you'd lke her to see a therapist. Then actually HELP her find one and get an appointment... then go with her (unless work hours prevent it) and wait in the lobby for her. Don't quiz her on what's said... just ask things like "how'd it go?" usually you'll be able to talk to the therapist too if you have any questions, but they won't be totally specific on certain areas because of privacy laws.

I with you both all the luck and love in the world.

Answer 6

I would suggest to her that she needs to work out her issues with a therapist. Abuse is a circle and she will continue to perputate the chain of violence unless she gets help. What about your (future) kids? If this behavior was always there, why is it suddenly too much to handle? You both should have been in marriage counsuling long before this, but you cannot change the past. I would no longer let the arguments escalate into yelling matches. If she raises her voice, calmly ask her to talk to you about it. If she continues to rant and rave, tell her that you two can discuss this issue when she's got herself under control and leave. Of course, this is assuming that you aren't raising your voice or instigating the situtation.

Answer 7

Perhaps you should put your wife's mental condition ahead of your libido. Until she works through her issues, she is never going to get better, and that means you are never going to see a positive change in her.

These things take time, and therapy will help her work things out so that she can get back to being the sweetheart you married. If you love her and are devoted to being a good husband and seeing your marriage through this, then for Pete's sake, get her the help she needs and put your sex drive on hold for a while.

If the shoe was on the other foot, you would expect her to be a respectful spouse and put her desires on hold while you worked things out. You owe her no less.

Answer 8

That is really sad that you cannot see beyond that or try to get her therapy. Not couples therapy, but her own personal therapist. People that have been abused as kids become mentally unstable and have violent tendancies. Maybe some mood altering meds can help her. Don't turn your back on her b/c she has real issues that need dealt with. If you stay by her and get her the help she needs I bet you will get back what you think you have lost.

Answer 9

Looks like she may need therapy.

And if you're serious about saving your marriage, you need some sort of counselling, so you can deal with her problem.

There's a book by Jay Carter called "Nasty Women" that is a help for people in relationships with abusive women, which may also help you to deal with your situation. It's a thin book, and a very easy read. I think it's in most major bookstores in the self-help section.

Answer 10

I can relate to her myself. Looks are so deceiving i looks so sweet right lol but I'd jump on you so fast that you wouldn't even know it was coming i am very feisty i guess I'd say and i know it has to do with my childhood. I've become worse this yr and more of a hot head, no patience etc, I and only I can change this I have started to make Little changes i try to think before i speak or react so fast , i try not to fly off the handle. Its hard and I understand that you are tired of it. Really you can only do 2 things. Tell her to visit her doctor and discuss her anger or she might lose you. Tell her to read Jubilee By Margaret Walker. Its a good Book and will relax her lol she won't be able to put it down and will be mad if you interrupt her reading. Also tell her to go bowling, swimming, bike riding, jump rope, I hope she gets her anger under control.

Answer 11

Your lack of desire is directly connected to her see saw behavior and yes, CAN be addressed through therapy. You both need couples counseling; and your wife needs separate counseling to help her overcome latent issues connected with the abuse.

Marriage is about 'in sickness and in health' - try to exercise some patience, tolerance and understanding here and think about HER healing rather your being turned off.