How do you know if you want to have kids?

Question

I've been going through some hard times with my GF of 3 years. We've talked about having kids before. At first she had told me she didn't want kids, then she said she was unsure. I think this might be a deal breaker in our relationship.

I've never asked myself why I want kids. It was just something that I wanted. Now, I'm kindof thinking about why do I want to be a parent? Is it about leaving a legacy or having someone there for you when you are older? Can someone help?

Answer 1

People should give as much thought about having children as they do about whether or not to get married, perhaps more.

Poor reasons to have children include:

1. Keeping a marriage or a troubled relationship together. No one wins, and the children lose the most.
2. Having someone to take care of you as you get older. It's a little selfish to procreate just so you can have a babysitter in old age. Also, there's no guarantee that you'll have a great relationship with your kids-- things happen and relationships can change.
3. Legacy? That's a little pretentious. Are you leaving proof that you walked the earth? That's definitely a guy thing.
4. Because everyone has kids.
5. Family pressure: unless they're going to raise and pay for your children, then they need to back off and mind their own business.

Since you're in a rocky relationship, I would avoid having children at all costs. If you're not willing to make a lifelong commitment to children (parenting does not end when they turn 18, it continues until one of you dies...) just don't do it.

When I met my husband, children was a deal breaker for him. I had never been married or had kids; he was divorced with two teenagers when we met. He married their mom because "it was the right thing to do." As a result, the kids didn't grow up seeing loving parents but two people who resented each other (both because he didn't love her and that wasn't going to change.) He had never wanted children to begin with. It was initially a tough pill for me to swallow until I gave it some serious thought. I had always thought that kids were part of the package and assumed i'd have some. The fact is, children deserve to be wanted without hesitation or doubt on the part of the prospective parents. I had always been on the fence about children, but I decided that marrying my husband was more important that having kids. We had an honest discussion about it, we didn't try to coerce the other. I don't feel like I was compromised; it actually caused me to REALLY evaluate my reasoning for wanting to have children. I have never, ever regretted my decision not to have them.

It's a very personal choice. Don't kid yourself about the responsibilites involved in child-rearing. Don't be selfish and make assumptions about how your children will feel about you or how your relationship will be. I'm not suggesting that you don't have children, but I am asking that you give serious thought as to why you should. The world might be a very different place if we were all more thoughtful about our choices.

Answer 2

I spent the better part of my life convinced I didn't want kids..all I had to do was look around me and see all these miserable people, screeching and dragging their kids from place to place doing nothing but complaining about them. Acting like they had their lives sucked away. Take a trip to any store and you'll see what I mean.

Then as I got older I started to think about how awful the world can be and how on earth would I ever protect my child from all the evils and hurt. Why would I want to bring a child into such an unstable world. All you have to do is watch the news and you can paint a thousand horrible scenarios.

As I got much older my thinking shifted a little bit. I though about my parents and all the things they did for me and all the long talks that I had into the night with my mom about all the things in life...and how much they loved me and I thought maybe having kids is not such an awful, draining experience...lol.

I think it's a really great thing that you are questioning why you want to be a parent (lord knows that there are plenty of people who shouldn't be) Don't over think it too much.

Answer 3

I am a newly mother, of a beautiful 4 month old. It was an accident that I got pregnant, but now that i have her, it makes my life worthy.
The way you can tell that you are ready to have kids:
1) you are financially stable, you can financially support everything that a kid needs... diapers, formula, clothes.... etc.
2) you are emotionally stable in your life. You will have the energy and mentally to handle every 2 hour feedings, and middle of the night feedings. (me being a 19 year old mother, is hard.. I never got the chance to go out and be a young adult, go clubbing, or hang with my friends)
3) you have to have patience and love
4) make sure to have a partner whom you insure will be there the whole way. Thank god my bf is still here with me. Make sure you stick by every step of the way. Dont always let her change the baby, or if she breastfeeds, you get up in the middle of the night with her for support.
5) you feel that your life will be happier with another person to love
6) you plan on being with your GF for life, because no matter what happens, you will have to deal with her for the rest of your life even if you break up for the sake of your child together.
Dont pressure her to have a kid though. Take it slow. You have been together for 3 years. You still have lots of life left... but if you both feel that you want a kid together, then go ahead. But make sure to cap it after the first couple.
My homegirl is 24 years old with 6 kids. Just a warning to you. lol.

Answer 4

No one can help you decide if you want kids. That's your call. I'm 42 and I've known since I was a teen that I didn't want kids. I've never felt differently, even when encouraged to have them by family members and acquaintances.

Just remember it's not a decision to be taken lightly...nor something to be done simply because one is biologically capable of reproduction. It's a lifetime commitment and huge responsibility.

As for legacy...that seems a selfish reason to procreate...and how often do people see someone's kids (after the parent is dead) and think about the parent? When you're gone, you're gone...your kids aren't you, they are individuals with a little of your DNA.

Answer 5

Deciding to become a parent is a personal decision and it is not an answer for anyone else to answer accept for yourself.Wanting to be a parent is a feeling that will come from within you.You will have a gutt feeling whether or not you really want to have children.I can tell you from my own personal experience that I have 3 daughters and they are the joy of my life.I can't imagine life without them.Children are a precious gift and are truly cherished..Always remember that life is what you make it and children are definately an added plus in life..Good Luck & Best Wishes.

Answer 6

Personally, I don't want children and find the childfree option, for the majority of the population, the socially responsible option. With a world on the verge of overpopulation, not having children isn't going to hurt. The real question here is should you or do you really feel the need to have children? I believe that some people do have a real need to have children, but I believe that the majority of parents do not. I think plenty of people have children because that is what they are supposed to do. You were raised to believe that oneday you would have your own children because that's what you saw in your parents and in your friends parents.

Answer 7

Hi Fluffy! LOVE the lovable little penguin. I (the human in the back of this cat) shouldn't have children nor do I desire children. It's a mutual contract among my husband and I as a result of genetic malformities on his facet and distinct situation on my facet that can restrict us from having youngsters. I don't remorse it. I have pets rather (for this reason I LOVE the penguin) and they're similar to human youngsters, however you do not must ship them to institution or fear approximately drug or alcohol dependancy. Other matters stay the equal. Potty coaching, technique coaching (which a few folks do not even get), obediance coaching (once more a few folks are with out). you must take them to the medical professional while they fall ill. you must blank up after them. You must watch them so they do not get into stuff they can not. You must shield them from predators or different vicious folks or animals. You must play with them and lift them good. You must feed them safely and be careful in the event that they get fats. ensure they get ample excersize... The mom intuition in me says I must have pets so I have some thing to nurture. Sure, going for walks stick insects are not looking for THAT so much nurturing, however they're relatively cool! I want you the BEST of success along with your long run human youngsters.

Answer 8

Shouldn't this reflect the relationship you have with your wife.? I always thought (wrongly or rightly) that when a married couple loved each other they would want an addition to what they have with each other. That they wanted to produce another human being that's come from each part of them that they would love as much as they love each other. I don't think people should have children because they think its part of life. But because they love each other & are willing to demonstrate their commitment to each other by having a child TOGETHER. Does' t this prove to people (more importantly yourselves) that you are committed to each other?? Lets face it, a child is much more of a committment than any wedding you may of had or a house you bought together. This is a human being that would be produced out of the love you have for each other. Sorry if this sounds cheesy.

Answer 9

You know because your curious about what they'll look like. It seems that the ugly really want to turn things around, but alas, they have 10 ugly kids. But ten butt ugly kids are just great if you live on a farm. The locals won't let them leave, cause it causes wrecks, and scares the livestock. The farm never had it so good. If you don't have a farm, or a car dealership, why do you want kids. If you want somebody to remember you, start a schoalorship trust with the local university, name it after yourself. If your trying to have kids with this woman, better use dirty tactics, buy her a big diamond. Hide her birth control.

Answer 10

We want children because this is how God made us. There's nothing complex about it, and you don't need to ask yourself a thousand questions to figure it out. God designed us to replenish the earth. No big puzzle. If your girlfriend doesn't want kids and you do, you have the wrong lady. Perhaps she doesn't want the responsiblity of raising kids (especially if you're talking about having kids out of wedlock). Ask her to marry you and see if she changes her mind. If that doesn't do it, then you've got the wrong girl.