I don't know what it is about me...really bad luck I guess...but I've been raped by five different men, two of them more than once. I'm married and and was attacked and raped by two men in my home while my husband was deployed (they are the two repeat offenders). The men are both currently in prison for the second time. My husband and I have been having some issues, which I'm guessing is normal, and I'm doing individual counseling for a while before we start going together (it was recommened by our therapist).
My questions for all the husbands out there: Have you ever had to deal with something like this? Is so, did/do you blame your wife for what happened to her? Did/do you think differently of your wife because of what happened?
2007-04-23 20:39:51 · 18 answers · asked by J 3 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
First, I've talked to my therapist about this, but I just wanted some other opinions from "regular men" (for lack of a better term).
And in case anyone's wondering...the first guy was my stepfather when I was seven. The other four were my exboyfriend and three of his buddies. The ex and one of his friends were convicted (not enough evidence for the other two...or so I was told). The two convicted then attacked me again...together.
2007-04-23 20:53:11 · update #1
Call me crazy, but I think this is a totally legit question. What? Women don't get raped in the this world? Yeah, it's all a joke.
Anway, honey, I know i'm not a husband, but I feel like I should throw in my two cents. Your husband feels (will feel) violated the same ways you were. Obviously it was your body so he could never understand the torture that came with it, but....don't take this the wrong way...he is your husband and you "belong" to him, Not that you're a slave or an object, but you belong to him; that area is his. It would be the same thing if you found out he cheated on you. You would be very violated, feel cheap. Again, I'm not a man, but I had had similar issues in my past (not quite as bad as yours) and I shared them with the men in my life including my husband, they in NO WAY SHAPE OR FORM blamed me. Nor should your husband. He may be uncomfortable about it, but that's only b/c he knows that what you've gone through is very serious. I doubt it in any way reflects how he feels towards you. If anything, he probably wants to protect you and feels guilty that he wasn't around to do so (even when you were a little girl lol) So yes, you both need counseling. It will be very hard for your husband to come to terms with this. He will feel like he's not man enough to protect you, he'll feel guilty, etc., etc. It's your job to tell him that it had nothing to do with him, whereas it's his job to tell you that things between you two will be normal again. He will feel distant, for a long time maybe. THat's just his male ego and it's perfectly normal. I suggest that in addition to you seeing the therapist together and you seeing he/she separately, your husband should also go to some private sessions. There may be quesions he has that he may not feel comfortable discussing in front of you. I know that you're the one that's going through all the trauma, but in light of what you're asking, be patient with your husband and let him figure out how to best handle this through on-on-one therepay of his own. As women, the idea, if not the act of, rape is always on our minds. Most men don't even think about it until it happens to someone they love. At that point, they are totally clueless. Again, I know you're the one going through the pain, but b/c of his gender and "ignorance." Give him some time and he'll come around. I promise. This is really hard and I wish you both the best. And may the rapists get raped over and over in prison forever. Which they willl. Sorry....I had to say it.
I wish you and your husband the best. Again, you'll need a lot of time, communcation and honesty. He cares for you and I'm sure he wants to do whatever it takes to get past this as much as possible. I'm sorry this happened to you. Now slwoly start to put the pieces together for each of you. If your marriage, God forbid, falls apart because of this, then the rapist (S) accomplished even more than they set out to do to. Don't let them win. It's a tough world and sometimes the good, the innocent, have to pick up the slack for those that for whaever resaon don't know any better. I wish you everything and anything you need to make it through this time. I"ll leave you with this: there is NOTHING you did to provoke those men. I don't care if you opened the door in a friendly manner, dressed in a neglige, and invited them in for Beer blah blah......you did not...ask to be raped. Don't forget that. There is a certain mind-set in a rapist that will be there whether you open the door as a hard-body lifting weights or if you're a grandma asking them if they want apple pie with missing detntures.
2007-04-23 22:11:59 · answer #1 · answered by girlie 4 · 1⤊ 2⤋
I'm not married but I'm curious to know how you got into a situation with two men who both had raped you in the past. For someone who's been raped 5 times, you should be very very very careful about who you're around and where you're at.
If I'm your husband the first question I'd ask is how you happen to be around two men who had raped you in the past.
Now I know sometimes we get ourselves in situations that we don't mean to and to save face we sugar-coat situations that may not have been what we claimed they were. Don't know what the case is with you but if I'm your husband I'd be thinking divorce. Something definitely isn't right with a woman who would put herself in a situation with 2 guys who had raped her in the past.
Something isn't right !
2007-04-23 20:50:44 · answer #2 · answered by Phade3 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
You asked a question a week ago and referred to a boyfriend. Now a week later you are married and been raped 5 times? You watch way too much TV sweetheart, but nice try. Not all of us are that dumb.
2007-04-23 21:24:56 · answer #3 · answered by Millionaire in training 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
OK.....not to say if this is all made up, but if its the truth, glad to see you are getting help. BUT for heaven sakes, leave men alone and focus on your husband ONLY> Who cares what other husbands think. Thats why you have a therapist to ask certain questions. I say ask your husbands these questions and do relationship counseling not only for yourself. GOOD LUCK
2007-04-23 20:49:18 · answer #4 · answered by mamma_knows 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
hun never ask a man this question. they freak out how ever i know what u r feelin when i was 8 till i was 13 my aunts boyfriend raped me and told me if i told hed kill me and my family when they split i told. when me and my husband married i finly told him. and it didnt say nuthin but y did u let ih happen but im sorry to hear that. im 18 now and ull never feel safe again i kow but ur husband should be there 4 u maybe he is just scared but really hun they dont know what to say.
2007-04-23 20:51:36 · answer #5 · answered by Samantha E 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Don't worry how we feel.. You deal with the crisis you have.. Rape is something that can be avoided most of the time......However there are times, one can't.. Whatever it is, a man normally won't understand this..
2007-04-23 20:44:31 · answer #6 · answered by AdultMALE 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
My Husbands Birthday Party!!! HELP?
2016-08-29 20:30:14 · answer #7 · answered by Amelita 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Why someone need to think differently of one's wife because of what happened. Here, wife is as good as she ever was. A loving creature
2007-04-23 20:50:31 · answer #8 · answered by Goldman 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Would you rather be popular or just have like 2 or 3 best friends?
2016-10-30 04:56:51 · answer #9 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What to get Husband for christmas?
2016-11-11 22:37:02 · answer #10 · answered by ? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋