Why does hubby think i am cold??

Question

I am not an overly emotional person prefering to keep my emotions in check and under control he has told me on a number of occasions that i act numb to his emotions.I am a business woman and if i let my emotions control me like hubby does i would never get anything done.When my hubby comes to me and vents about a problem i try to find a solution to the problem an advise him but he thinks i am beeing rude and not listening?

When we fight i emotionally detach myself from the situation to try to use reason and logic with him but it never works?I do show affection to hubby esp. in bedroom i just cant understand his emotional blowouts?

Answer 1

I don't think he's looking for someone to give him solutions to his problems. What he's looking for is a little sympathy and understanding from you when he approaches you with a problem. He wants to know you understand what he's going through and can empathize with him without rationalizing the whole discussion.

Answer 2

I'm sure that there is a lot more going on here than you actually articulate in your question, but on the basis of your comments alone, I would say that your way of handling "passion" would drive a lot of people - male and female - crazy.

And, it would seem that passion is what your husband is about. He wants you involved in his passion, his anger, his excitement, and what he's getting is a cool and logical fish.

Is that wrong of you? No. That's just who you are. It's interesting that you two hooked up in the first place. You probably each saw something in each other that you wish you had yourself. He probably wishes he could be more controlled and even tempered. You probably wish you could be more passionate like he is - or you admire his passionate involvement in his life experiences. But, now those differences are becoming annoying and causing problems between you.

You both have to take a few steps back and get a different perspective on the dynamics here or there are going to be very rough times ahead for you. I recommend a good "coach" (marriage counselor) that can observe from sidelines and make some observations about how you both play the game. With a little appreciation and explanation of each other's approaches to problems and problem solving, you can probably reach at least a common ground for discussion. But, you are both going to have to operate in territory that is unfamiliar to you and that's going to take some work. Hence, the need for the counselor.

Oh, and by the way, your relationship with your husband is not a business. You can leave the stuffed business suit at work. The fact that you describe yourself "I am a business woman..." says volumes about your priorities and self image. Find a good counselor......soon.

Answer 3

Hmm. I'm assuming hubby knew you didn't express emotions when he asked you to marry him. It seems that at some point this became a problem. If you've always tried to contain your emotions, you've probably become numb to how numb you are! Business is one arena, but home life is another. You two have switched stereotypical roles and hubby isn't happy about it. He's venting - not looking for solutions, just wanting to get things off his chest. He's a big boy and he can figure out what to do on his own. Listen but don't offer solutions unless he specifically asks. While you have been able to accomplish things by stuffing your emotions, he simply doesn't function that way. Again, I'm assuming he knew all this when you married, so it shouldn't come as a surprise to him. Maybe he feels he needs to express emotions for both of you, since you don't. He perceives you as cold because you are - let's face it, Mr. Spock came across as cold, too. But it's not that you aren't concerned, or you wouldn't be asking questions here.

So there are two issues. First, the two of you need to figure out why this is a problem at this point in time since it wasn't before. Second, you need to start expressing more to help hubby balance himself. I'd bet that when you provide some emotional input, his responses will mellow out. It may take a while. I'm not saying you need to be an emotional basketcase, but I'm sure you can separate your personal and professional life enough to work on this. Start with humor, because that's easy. Watch a funny movie or go to a comedy show or something. Laugh together. Then you can move on and show happiness, thankfulness, disappointment, frustration, and work your way to joy and anger. Here's the thing: if you continue to stifle these feelings, you're going to create a mess of health problems. There are actual chemical changes in the brain when these feelings are stimulated. If you don't express the feelings and let your body do what it wants to do, it will create physical problems! Heart disease, ulcers and ulcerative colitis, fatigue, insomnia, you name it. Let it out, and then let it go.

Answer 4

Interesting reversal, your husband sounds like most women and you sound like most men!

What I'm told is that most women (like your husband ;) ) use communication as a way of sharing and validating feelings. So what you should be doing is not so much trying to solve problems when he vents (which also seems reasonable to me) but mirroring back. Restate how he feels in your own words. This shows him that you are listening and care about him, and that you have understood what he is feeling. Apparently, that makes people like him happy. He is accusing you of 'not listening' because you are focussing on the problem, not on his emotions, which is what he really wants you to reflect.

Good luck.

Answer 5

Well in a way it is almost rude. People don't always need you to hand them a wrench but instead, with you being the one they love who is supposed to love them back, look for you to comfort him or just acknowledge that his feelings are in fact valid and has a right to feel the way he does. Having emotions and using or expressing them doesn't mean you are unable to accomplish tasks but is healthy. Not acknowledging him or just saying "put a bandaid on it, duh" can devalidate him and how he feels as a person. He can feel rejected and as if you are telling him that he either doesn't deserve to be heard or he's being silly. So, yes in a way you are very numb to his emotions. If you find a way to express and use your emotions I think your two's relationship would grow. "Keeping them in check" is simply ignoring them because you haven't been taugh or figured out how to healthily control them and let them work in a healthy way. You don't sound like the touchy-feely type or the type to accept one on one "therapy" (counseling) but it may be helpful. Sometimes those who can't express all of their emotions often just let out the easiest one to exercise- anger in all of it's different forms. You may feel relieved and more alive (and closer to the most important man of your life).

Answer 6

Ha, sounds like me. I like to approach things with a rational or logical mind rather than let my emotions get in the way. Although sometimes I fail.

It's not that you are not listening, it's just that you are communicating on different levels. While your husband is talking with his heart, you are listening with your mind. He wants to know how you feel. I usually approach people like this with this line, "While, I understand how you feel and feel the same way (add any extra comments here), I think that..." This way he knows you understand/are listening to his emotions and you can still give him proper advice/rational.

Answer 7

Keep ur personal n professional life seperate. u r mixing them. ur attitude is right when it comes to ur profession but personal relations need that tender touch of affection n understanding. if u luv him then tell him that u do. be expressive about ur feelings. dont behave like an authority. Be a companion n have a listening ear. Let him solve his own problems n u b there as his support, his strength, alwaz by his side..gud luck

Answer 8

This is very normal. Us at work are like this but try to detach your self from office and home. At home such detach perspectives gives impression of being a detached person. So chg yrself and shower emotions to yr man.

Answer 9

Have you considered that maybe he doesn't want you for solutions, but merely someone who will listen and sympathize with him? When your spouse has a problem, it doesn't mean they want you to dish out solutions all the time. Most times they just want someone to empathize with them.

When you approach this situation as you would a business matter, you will come off as emotionally cold. He is your spouse. Don't be afraid to just "listen" to him.

Answer 10

I understand you. Being a professional women you must face situations and then think your way to a good solution that befits both the customer and your company and you must do that with as little visual emotional response as possible. That is the way of business. But at home, your husband wants to see more emotion. You have to empathize with him on his hard day at work. He wants to feel like you are on his side and not trying to solve his problems for him. Remember that he is trying to better the company of Mr&Mrs?????. What he is doing in his job is to better your family situation. Just like in your job, you bring home money to increase the company of Mr&Mrs????. Listen to him and see his point of view. If he is realy trying to do his best in whatever it is that he works at tell him that he is doing good. Just like you like to hear that you are doing good at whatever it is that you do in your job. I have been married for 20 years now and it is very important to make the other partner feel like they are at least trying thier best in their job. Sometimes after a particularly hard day one likes to hear that you did the best you could have done in a hard surcumstance.