Is there a psychological reason why I do this?

Question

I've liked a couple different guys over the years. They are either out of my league, or are in a relationship.

Whenever I find out, I always (to myself, never to their face or to anyone else) think to myself, something along the lines of "Well, why would I want you anyway? You have a weird looking (insert body part here)"

I think the reason I do it is so that I can pick out their flaws, making myself feel less like a loser for not being the person of their longing.

Does that make sense? Or am I just really messed up?

Serious answers, please.

Answer 1

Yes, there is a psychological reason why you do this. It's very common (I'm a woman and I'm not being sexist--- I'm just trying to relay what I have witnessed) in women. However, the two categories you have presented are both somehow "unavailable" to you. In the first instance, they are "out of your league." That means that you somehow feel that they are better than you, yet you still initially desire them. It's a natural crave for that attention from someone that you feel is better than you. Logically, your subconscious is saying "if I can get a man that I think is better than me, then I must be as good as him." It's an attempt at self-elevating. However, it normally doesn't work. In the second instance, they are in a relationship. Again, it's another male who is unavailable, but this time for different reasons. I've seen many women who consciously admit that they choose men in a relationship out of a need for the self-assurance they would feel if the man choose her over his relationship. I've also seen many women who do this subconsciously. It's the conscious or subconscious saying "I must be really desirable if I can get a man to leave his significant other." In addition, what really puts the nail into the coffin (what makes this a need for self-assurance, not self-sabatoge) is that, in the end, you attempt to tell yourself that you did not want the person anyway. Whether you do or do not want the person is not of consequence, it's the significance of the fact that you must tell yourself that you didn't want the other person. It shows that, in the end, you need to elevate yourself and protect yourself from rejection by stating these things to yourself. Think of a situation like this: a brother steals another brother's toy. Then the first brother steals the toy back. The second brother attempts to obtain the toy, but fails. He walks away, saying "well I didn't want it anyway." Its a gut reaction to self-preserve emotion. He still wants the toy, but if he tells himself that he doesn't, then the failure is less severe. Clearly these situations are logistically flawed and emotionally unhealthy. However, in psychology, people tend to cyclically repeat patterns. I would not suggest intensive therapy for you, since your problem does not directly reveal a psychological or psychiatric disorder (although therapy (almost) never hurts). I would simply suggest you talk to several friends about your relationship issues. Let them know what you keep doing and why, and tell your friends to call you on it the next time you enter into a similar illogical and unhealthy situation. The support of friends always helps!

P.S. I need to correct someone on here. Reaction formation is not what you described at all. Reaction formation is when a person reacts opposite to how they feel to be "normal." It is common, such as when you see a person you dislike, yet you smile and talk politely anyway. This is NOT reaction formation AT ALL. It's a need for self-assurance.

P.S. Sorry, I can't stand misinformed people. To the person below me, my answer is extremely helpful. Yours is not. It is very rare to know whether or not it is going to work out with someone in the first few seconds. Couples married for 10, 20 years divorce almost everyday. That comment is unwarranted. To the questioner, beware of transpersonal psychology. It's sort of the crackpot cousin of clinical psychology, and it incorporates outlandish concepts such as peak experiences, mystical experiences, transcendentalism, altered states of consciousness, trances, etc. I don't think this is what you're searching for. I think you are searching for real-life answers, not trances and out of boy experiences.

Answer 2

Yes there is a reason why you do this. The last answer wasn't very helpful! You need to look at your relationship with your father. 1. Was your father there for you or was he unavailable emotionally? Your father set up your belief system, about relationships and until you see the pattern it will continue. The truth is - you will know within the first 10 -20 seconds of meeting a guy if it's going to work or not. Listen to that inner voice. Start a journal. Write down everything you want in a relationship and in a guy. Then when you attract this to you, go back and see what you missed! Don't forget to add "he must be available emotionally for me" etc. It takes time but you can work this out. If nothing else talk to someone who can help you see the pattern. Good luck.

Answer 3

I read your entire question, but I was drawn right up to one of the first things you said, "out of my league". That's the place to start solving your problem. No one is out of your league. That is a thought pattern taught to you by someone else that does not belong in your wonderful head. So banish that thought, and that phrase.
You may need to talk to friends, or even a professional about thinking you are less than someone. You are not!
When you deal with that personal issue, so many other issues will disappear like magic. You will be pleasantly surprised the wonders it will make.

Answer 4

Yes. You are messed up. You are purposely picking flaws out of them to make yourself feel like you didn't lose anything good when you found out you couldn't have them. Before you move on to your next guy, I suggest you fix yourself (your behavior) on things & get to know a guy's inner side before judging his outter body parts. It makes more sense to say your glad you didn't end up with him because he is a "jerk" instead of saying he's got an ugly body part or whatever. And why would a guy be out of your league? that's not right. You should try not to judge them that way. You should like a guy for who he is, not for what he is or if he's out of your league. Sounds conceited. You need to give every guy you meet a chance. That's probably why you end up with the unavailable ones, because your too busy looking in all the wrong places.

Answer 5

It's normal to actually rationalize or sweet lemon a situation to help you cope easily. Thinking of their flaws actually sweet lemons the mourning process and fastens the recovery.

Its your defense mechanism.

Now for liking guys that doesn't really fit your "ideal strereotyped guy" is also normal. Most of the times, we actually don't like the person whom we feel are similar to us in a way (like being dominant etc.) but we discover that it is what actually makes you two click.

Hope to have helped! Ü

Answer 6

Its definately something psychological. But not in a wrap-you-up-in-a-white-jacket-and-throw-you-in-a-padded-room type of thing, more or less your mental reaction to somewhat "lessen the effects" of your heartache.

If you can make yourself think that they weren't right for you in the first place, it just makes it easier for you to let go and get on with life.

This doesn't make you a bad person, and you're definately not a loser for it either. You're just protecting your feelings and looking after number one.

Answer 7

It makes sense, and it's a healthy way of doing it. By regulating your desire by making up faults, you make something unattainable also undesireable.

Innocently making yourself dislike someone that you cannot get is totally respectable. Now if you spread around, then that's bad news.

I had such a regulation device...if I asked a girl out and she said no, she was obviously a snob that I didn't like. And it worked...I never thought about them again.

Answer 8

no this is natural for everybody, we all find ways of justifying things that are going on, if something happens that causes us anxiety then we tend to find explanations or excuses as to somehow make this anxiety go away, usually trying to justify our actions, i have pretty much the same trouble with girls, if i like one and somehow we don't end up together or something like that then my mind will start to come up with weird strange stuff that makes me feel better and kind of rationalizes the situation, not that it does since i know now that i do it on purpose, but it does happen to all of us, so ur not screwed lol :)

it is a defense mechanism, its more like rationalization (makeing unacceptable feelings etc. acceptable), i guess it would kind of be reaction formation, but i would go with rationalization

Answer 9

Serious awnser!!!!!! & a playful question......fear
Ok, so you do like complete men...do you yourself feel incomplete. Do you think maybe your jelous & that jelousy makes you afraid....your fear being replaced by anger....anger manifesting as a judgement of the guy you seem to think you like.....Yeah id say your emotional about you own situation.......If you want to "fix" your self theres a million ways to do it....One try to figure out your triggers.....what makes you think in a negative way......Does he wear the same hair gel your ex-lover wore? does he spank your butt at the office? I dont know but i would say fear....& most importantly is it a problem to you or are you just looking for awnsers?

Answer 10

yup. you need a reason not to like them. my old roomate's wife is such a nice, fun, beautiful girl. so i focused on her really short stubby thumbs so i could get her out of my head.

it's a self-defence mechanism so you'll stop liking them (by your own decision) b/c you know it's just going to be a no win situation if you keep liking them..

not with the out of leaguers, but i always start liking people i can't have... and the reason for that is that i know that i can't have them, so there's no stress and i feel more comfortable talking to them/getting to know them .. but even knowing what i know.. i still end up liking them :(