Marriage at a cross roads??different goals?

Question

Been married 5 yrs hubby is 27 and i am 26.Our relationship has been progressivley getting worse.For starters we both majored business in college and started working for same company just different branches making about the same.I got promoted(was tranfered 3 months ago as hubbys bosses boss) and he stayed at almost the same level he started out at.He has been in a bit of a slump because really he has no real drive?I have tried to talk to him but he just does not listen.I have plans to go into entrepreneur work at the end of this year to a have a more flexiable work hours and possibly make more money.Hubby likes things as they are does not understand any of my goals?He wants to start a family now i want to wait 2-3 more years?What to do communication thus far has not worked?

Hubby refused to go to therapy the last three times i brought it up .

Answer 1

Since your move into an entrepreneurship will free up your schedule and bring in more income (two things you'll find helpful in starting a family down the line), you would think your hubby would be all for it.

I wonder if he feels threatened by your success and is subconsciously trying to hold you back. I would have a heart-to-heart with him and try to get the the bottom of all of this. Seek professional therapy if you don't think he'll open up to you. If he won't go, then go alone to get some ideas on how to handle this. He may end up coming with you eventually.

P.S. I just answered your other question about him getting fired soon. That won't help matters I'm sure. I wish you lots of luck.

Answer 2

Well, you might not want to hear this, but have you thought about his perspective? We would like to believe that we live in a progressive world, but the truth is that we don't. You husband is feeling emasculated. You are his boss two times over, feel he is stuck because he has no drive, and you try talking to him about it? Do you really think he wants to hear all the reasons you think he is a failure? How do you think his co-workers look at him, with his wife as his bosses boss? And it may be that he thinks part of the reason you have gotten to where you are is because you are a woman. After all, it looks better for the company to have a woman in a supervisory or managerial position.

I think the entrepreneurial work will be a good thing-you won't be at the same company and you both get some breathing room. I understand you wanting to give your new company a firm foundation before starting a family, but would you consider moving your timetable up slightly as a compromise? With more flexible hours it might be easier to swing than you think. Communication can be hard when you feel like you're the only one communicating. Maybe try to discuss things with him by being more understanding of how he might be feeling.

Answer 3

He may be unhappy with his job. Have you discussed this with him? He may do better in a different company, where he is happier, or trying another type career. Obviously, you loved him when you married him. The vows say "in good time, and in bad times". You need to seek marriage counseling for you and your hubby. You may not be able to see the big picture because you are too close to the situation. A counselor can help the two of you to sort out your differences, and possibly help your hubby to become a more productive person.

Answer 4

He is jealous. You are doing well at work and he is not. And now, you are going to do even more, while he sits in the same spot. Answer? Tie her down with kids and then I can get a leg up!

Puh-lease. If he won't consider therapy, which you mention, keep trying, but realize that he is in denial about his issues. It's funny, if the situation were reversed, would he even ask for your support? Or just expect it?

This is my advice - lay it on the line. If he won't consider therapy, and doesn't want to be supportive of you, and is not willing to make any changes, then start looking to get out. My husband and I have been at different places career wise, sometimes with me, sometimes with him being the big breadwinner. But we are a team, and even though one makes less doesn't make us any less of a team. So ask yourself if you are doing all that you can for your team, and ask him the same question. Go from there based on how you both answer.

Marriage is tough. I wish you the best!

Answer 5

The experts advise to sort this all out before getting married. People grow and change. Either you have discussions and understand one another - or you do not.

Sometimes, when people find it difficult to sort this out as a couple, they seek counseling. You might want to try that.

As far as different work goals go, it's OK for one person to be ambitious and the other to be content. However, since you're the one who can bear kids, you have the say over when you want to bear them....if at all.

Please seek counseling, because problems don't sort out by themselves. Good luck.

Answer 6

I can understand your husband may be envious of your success. As far as not being supportive of your goals, that is selfish on his part. You need to try having a serious talk of either trying to be supportive together or you may have to move on. I had the same dilemma and I stayed almost 20 years. Big mistake! I grew to resent him.

Answer 7

I would ask myself how much of a priority do you place on your marriage?Your Husband?Your goals?
I think this happens to a lot of young couples. It is so easy to get caught up in the romance of falling in love and getting married that many of the tough,lifestyle, practical questions go unanswered while you plan wedding venues and menus.
See a marriage counselor and see how that goes.
Try thinking of him solely in a positive manner for a week. Just think about and remind yourself of all of his good qualities and why you chose to make him your husband.

Answer 8

alot is going on here, I understand both side , however, I don't think his are for whats best within the relationship...I side with you, however, I see one obligation that will lead to another and with obligations come responsibilities to your employer, such as more of your time...I think the two of you need to sit down and come to a planned compromise...or what appears is two good people are going bad.