mother in law question?

Question

my wife and mother in law discuss everything about our marriage. last big fight we had, my mother in law knew everything. of course my wife's side. then on easter her parents came down and her mother totally disrespected me and gave me the silent treatment. i was livid. it's like my wife can't let go of her parents and her mother was the protector. hello we're in our thirties....leave us alone. my wife just said oh that's the way she is. now she wants to go on vacation this summer in a two bedroom condo with her parents and said she talked to her mom but her mom won't change. i'm thinking of saying no way i'm not going around your parents again. she has to choose and it's like she hasn't made the choice to grow up. I'm going to tell her i'm not going to the beach unless i hear her say in front of her mother "do not disrespect my husband like that again". is that to harsh?

Answer 1

Don't make her decide. You may not like the results.

It is not your Mother-In-Laws fault. The fault lies with your wife. What happens between the two of you is none of anyone else's business. Of course the Mom is going to be upset when her baby comes to her and says "you will not believe how badly he treated me, or I don't do anything right". Add in some tears and you've gotten yourself one mad mamma.

Talk to your wife!! When she stops her behavior, the mother-in-law will not feel like she has to be so protective and she can give you more respect.

Answer 2

Harsh it is and your wife has no right to be telling her mother everything and even if she tells her mother things, her mother has no right to tell you anything or treat you differently. That would be getting into a married couple's marriage. She is fast and out of place.
It is okay to ask your wife to do this as well so that you both know where the line is and when to cross it or not. I would have asked the same thing. I would feel very uncomfortable around her parents too. Make her an ultimatum and see how it works out. You go to see her parents only if her mother respects you and your space as well as your business should not be discussed or you might have to think about a separation.
But don't leave her mother must die some day and who would be there to comfort her? This would devastate her but it could turn out for the best if you are there because then as there you would become her confident.
Good Luck to you!

Answer 3

Wow! What a mess!

I think it would be a real good idea to have a sincere heart to heart talk with your wife. Pick a time when you are getting along well and things are quiet. Tell her that you love her and need her support. You need for her to stand by you. You feel ganged up on and don't know how to respond under this pressure...except with anger. Tell her you are hurt. Women listen when their men say they are hurting!

Do not threaten her and tell her she has to choose. She loves her mother and cannot make this kind of choice!

If the vacation is planned, go! Just spend a lot of time on the beach, on the porch, be friendly, allow your wife time with her mother...the two of you go out to dinner. Just make it work.

Your marriage will fail if all of this anger continues. In laws are often difficult...that just seems to be the way it is.

When mom-in-law gives you the silent treatment, talk to her, Sit down and talk to her. She probably doesn't know you...not really. Tell her you love her daughter, you may not be perfect, but to give you a chance. Be sincere. You might be surprised.

Answer 4

No it is not. Things between two people should be respected and kept within the marriage. When a person talks bad about another person it causes them to look at you differenly especially when the story is always one sided. You have a right to decide what is going to happen on your vacation.....maybe you want some private personal time with your wife and you don't want her mother in the next room. It's great and wonderfull that she has a good relationship with mother but mother is going to be partial to her daughter when she runs to mom when always upset with you. Sounds like she needs some counseling where somebody can be objective here. This is doing you no good when feelings are all one sided. I would not put myself around anybody that treated me like less than a person........and since your wife stirr's up the problem with the inlaw she needs to correct the situation.......other wise I would refuse to go around her mother untill she can straighten things up and the wife can grow up!!!! Good Luck Sweetie.

Answer 5

You are right. You cannot allow your wife or her mother to disrespect you. A man will always gravitate to where he feels honored. Once your wife realizes how this disrespect makes you feel, hopefully she will make better choices to display her loyalty.

Marriage can not be at its best with divided loyalty. Your wife has to honor her parents, but her husband should be first in her life. And she should be first in yours.

I have gone through similar problems. It's hard to please everyone and it's hard when you think you might let your parents down. Her parents should be mature and back down some and respect your place in her life.

So, please deal lovingly with your wife. Try to understand her side. Stand your ground though. Major on the majors. If this is a "deal breaker" for you, don't settle for less than your needs. You both will regret it later. Remeber, do everything out of love for your wife and your relationship, not anger and frustration.

All the best!

Answer 6

No. This is your marriage, and it does not include anyone's parents. Your wife needs to learn a little discretion - I never tell my parents everything b/c of course they are going to stick up for me - I am their baby! And I don't want anyone else to fight my battles with my husband for me - and my family cheerfully would. I have made it clear that it's my marriage, and if I need help, I will ask.

Having said all that, your wife needs to respect you more. It is you and she as each other's primary family - the parents are now one step removed. And her mother needs to learn some basic manners. If her mom won't change, I would NOT be around her. Period. If she cannot be civil to you - regardless of what she may think of you - than there is no reason to be around her. While this may sound harsh, your wife needs to make the decision of who in her family comes first, and it needs to be you. And her parents need to understand that - regardless of whether they agree or not. I am truly sorry that you are dealing with this dysfunctional bunch, but it is up to your wife to break the cycle.

Good luck.

Answer 7

Hell no, that's not too harsh. You're both adults whether your wife chooses to act like one or not. And your mother-in-law needs to respect that. You have a right to demand respect and in your situation, having your wife stand up to her mother will be your best course of action. It'll kill 2 birds with one stone. Your wife will grow a back bone and your mother-in-law will get the point. Oh, and you'll get to go to the beach. LOL!!! Good Luck

Answer 8

Hell no....You know I was just thinking about asking a question like this. Very good question btw. Wives should not be talking to mommy about all of the details of her relationship w/ her husband. To me loyalty is everything. Who is she married to you or mommy. She should be backing you everytime and keeping the bad stuff b/t the two of you together. B/C when you get into an argument, and she tells all, she may forgive you but mommy never does or has a hard time doing...It's not the same relationship. So I totally agree. Your wife need to tell the mother-in-law to back off and go get on her broom....

Answer 9

i have a married daughter and she used to tell me everything!
i have told her (when the going was rough with her husband) that she married him and chooses to stay with him, so, i don't know why she told me! she says because she doesn't have any one else to tell how disappointed she is in him at times.
so, MY advice is to get her some friends...she shouldn't have to tell her mother anything...and you shouldn't put up with her disrespecting you in your home..
you should tell your wife that you don't appreciate her confiding everything to her mother because she is still married to you and 'puts up with it'...and for your mother in law, well, i think that i would tell her basically the same thing...that her daughter may not be happy ALL the time, but she stays with you, so she must love you! and tell her that at least you two love each other and nothing is going to change that fact.
i would tell my wife that i am not going on a vacation with her mother because that would not be a vacation!

Answer 10

dont tell her to make the choice between you coz family is an important thing and even if she chooses you she will resent you for making her decide. I talk to my mum about most things, but not about me and my husband, I dont want her to dislike him based on what I have said. That being said, you have to understand how hard it must be being between you two. Try to be understanding, but at the same time, perhaps you could stand up for yourself? just tell her that you have to be in each others lives so you may aswel try to make things pleasant, if she is still being a *****, then get your wife to say something, If she doesnt want to thend ont put yourself ina situation where yhour mother in law is there. I feel for you, my mother in law is a nutcase, so I kind of understand. Good luck