Tell me what you think about this poem i wrote, i have to use it for a poetry book.?

Question

I am only 14 so yea, dont expect it to be the best


If i was maybe beautiful
Maybe you would see
How much i want
For you to notice me

If i was maybe beautiful
Maybe i wouldnt have to try
Wouldnt try my hardest
Only to fall down and cry

If i was maybe beautiful
You would maybe no my name
No that i exsits
Maybe be yours to claim

If i was maybe beautiful
I would be more out-there
Maybe have more confidence
And be the one to dare

If i was maybe beautiful
Maybe you would understand
who much it will mean to me
to even hold your hand

If i was maybe beautiful
i wouldnt be so down
i would maybe have you
and no longer have this frown

If i was maybe beautiful
i would maybe have you
but i no that this will never be
cause you dont have a clue

Answer 1

NATHAN, WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH YOU???
She's only 14! Everyone has to start somewhere, and starting with THAT kind of attitude is not encouraging!
Ok Boric- This is what I get out of your poem.....
You have the right idea...you started well, but then you let your words take over your flow.....
Poetry is ALL ABOUT HOW IT SOUNDS!!!!! How does it flow? Read it outloud..How does it sound to to you?
I can't tell what words you are stressing in you poem....
Is it IF (from the first line) or I?
I'm taking it as if you are attempting to stress "I."

If I was maybe beautiful
Then maybe you would see
Just how much I want for you to simply notice me

If I was maybe beautiful
I wouldn't have to try
To give my all and only fall upon my knees and cry

If I was maybe beautiful
Then you would know my name
At least you'de know that I exist, for me it's all the same

If I was maybe beautifulI
The I'd be more "out there"
I'd certainly have confidence, I'd be the one you "dare"

If I was maybe beautiful
Perhaps you'de understand,
How much it would mean to me to only hold your hand

If I was maybe beautiful
I wouldn't be depressed
Cause I would take your hand, and I'd be pretty as the rest

If I was maybe beautiful
Then maybe I'd have you
But that'll never happen, cause you haven't got a clue,

Ok sweetheart, that's what I got for you... You have to, above and beyond anything else, flow it methodically so other people can understand it....
Read I wrote you outloud...see how it flows...rather you use my words or not is up you.....I just want you to understand how important flow is....

Answer 2

It does need a little bit of work. Your meter is off a lot, so it doesnt flow nicely. You can help yourself a LOT when writing poetry if only you would read it outloud to yourself and hear how it sounds. Poetry is meant to be listened to - either aloud or with your heart and soul.

So how do you fix this? Easy. Sometimes you are one syllable off, sometimes a little more. What you can do is take a word out here, add a word there, change two words into a contraction, find another word that means the same thing but has different syllables.

Take it verse by verse. And listen.

I will do the first verse for you to show you what I mean.

What you have ...


If i was maybe beautiful
Maybe you would see
How much i want
For you to notice me


What it should be ...


If i was maybe beautiful
Maybe you would see
Just how much i want
For you to notice me

See how adding "just' a single syllable to the third line now makes it have rhythm? Read both aloud and you will see.

Try the rest. If you want, write to me and I will read it again. It is very good, and very close to being a good poem. I do hate to see a 14 yr old kid with body image issues, but that is what you chose to write about. I think you should work on that. I am sure you ARE beautiful. Pax - C.

Answer 3

I love it! It is supreme for a 14-year-old. I would add some "kn"s to the beginning of your no's, though. Great job!

Answer 4

sweet poem.
Nathan's is not bad, good advice. keep on writing more poems since practice makes perfect.
Congrats!

Answer 5

Learn how to spell.

Have some effing pride in your language!

Answer 6

awww, i liked it alot :) just make sure to change most of your "no's" to "knows". Good luck!