im a stepmom of three kids, but no kids of my own.what do i do ?????

Question

i'm a step mother of three kids, two boys one 13 and the other 9. the girl is 11 years old. the thing is i don't have eny kids of my own. i'm really confuesd on what to do. i feel like i can't do anything to make them mind me. no matter what i do it always makes me and my husband fight. i feel like they hate me more then eny thing. its like my husband doesn't want me to do anythiing even though he said he did. but then again action speak louder then words.
there mom acts like im always trying to take her place, which is not the case here. the oldest two are always yelling at me and there father, they yell, and scream , and the youngest one just throws a big fit, and crys and screams alot . i'm really confused i just want to be a good stepmom, i hate that stepmoms are put out to be bad and evil.

when we got married i knew it was going to be hard, and i accepted the challange to be stepmom. but what do i do to get them to respect and mind me

Answer 1

In your situation, I see you respecting everyone's feelings but your own. You are a step mother and should be treated accordingly. If your husband truly loves you and respects you, he'll listen to you. Sit him down and talk about what is going on. Tell him that you need his support and respect. If you don't do something now, you'll always be trampled on. You have a say so in your family regardless if it is your kids or not. You married for love and you should receive love. Love is more than a four letter word. Tell your husband, we need to do this as a team. Our children do not respect us and we have to make a stand. You'll have to STICK TO YOUR GUNS!! Don't give in an inch. You'll be totally shocked at how much respect you'll get after you start respecting yourself. Most children do as they are shown. Show them you mean what you say and say what you mean and the respect and curtiousy will follow. Garanteed!!!

Answer 2

Being a step mom is a really REALLY hard thing and even more thankless then being a MOM! I am not only a stepmom but also have been a child with quite a few step parents (between my mom AND dad having numerous marriages). The biggest problem I think is the fact that not only is thier mom doing things that undermine your relationship w/ them, but your husband is also not backing you up w/ your relationship w/ them! I dont really think that there is much that you CAN do unfortunately!! The children probably feel like if they "like" you that they are in some way being "unfaithful" to thier REAL mother! What you need to do first and foremost is sit down w/ your husband and tell HIM how you are feeling and ask him if he can PLEASE back you up when it comes to discipline in YOUR household. Then sit down w/ the kids (when you hubby is there) and discuss what rules they are to follow in YOUR house. Explain to them that you are in NO WAY trying to take their mothers place but when they are in YOUR house they need to respect you and follow YOUR rules. After all it IS YOUR house and you should be able to feel comfortable and in control of your own enviroment. After that ask your husband if HE can be the one to enforce the rules so that YOU dont always have to be the "bad guy" He should love and respect you enough to do that for you. Once the rules are established and being followed... THEN just dont do anything to "rock the boat." Dont EVER speak poorly of thier mother in front of them b/c it will only come back to bite YOU in the butt and you will get nowhere with your stepchildren. Start planning FUN things to do together as a family when the kids are with you. Take them to the zoo, to concerts, to the park... anything that will ensure that THEY will have fun (even if its something that you dont particularly want to do). Make sure that you ALL participate (including your husband!) Be thier FRIEND above all. Let them know that as a "step" parent that the rules are kind of differant. Let them know that whatever they NEED they can come to YOU if they want. For example if they are embarrassed to talk to their parents about boys/girls, or friends or stuff like that, that they can talk to YOU and you will keep it just between the two of you.. and MEAN IT! Keep their trust and thier secrets!! Your biggest support MUST be your husband though so I hope that he is there for you!! I dont know how long you have been in their lives, but if it has only been a short time then just give it a while.. it WILL COME!! Good luck and just remember that being thier FRIEND is the best way to build a relationship w/ them!!

Answer 3

It's tough, I know. I have a stepson. He's 19 now and in the Marines. I know it would have been harder with three. You feel like you want to discipline because they need it and because your spouse is not stepping up. Hang in there if you love your spouse. It's not easy for you guys or the kids.

The kids should not be yelling and screaming. Try to have a family meeting where you can get organized and clear about what is expected. If I had it to do over again, I would have been a little more lenient even if it meant the house was a little messier and less organized. In the end that stuff doesn't matter as much as I thought it would. I would have been willing to give up that "control" I felt I had to have if it meant my stepson would have been a little happier.

Good luck. I know it's hard.

Answer 4

although i think what you're doing is admirable and most people will respect you highly for it, i'd have to admit it would be a huge role for any man in your age range to commit to. however, there are guys out there mature enough to understand and give it a chance. for you to take on this responsibility you must have a huge heart and that means a lot to a man. me personally, i'd consider it, if anything else because your actions speak positively toward your character and the type of person you may be. now if you had 2-3 kids by previous relationship(s), i'd say HELL NO! been there done that. especially if the kids father is very active in their lives. in this case the boyfriend will always be #3 in her life behind the kids and what is best for the kids. being that i don't have kids, she'd be priority #1 to me while i'm priority #3 to her. call me selfish, but i could not settle for living like that.

Answer 5

As a child of a step-parent, my first advice is to not make them or let them call you "mom". A step-parent is not a parent unless the other parent is dead or not in their lives.

The kids are older, meaning they've had time to remember what it was like having both of their parents in the same house. They miss that. And I'd be willing to bet that that's the reason for their rebellion than anything else.

At this point, you should hand over the discipline and rules to your husband and his ex. THEY are responsible for raising their children. Tell your husband that you want no hand in any of that.

For the kids, become their FRIEND. You and your husband sit down and talk to them and tell them that you are not going to have a hand in punishing them anymore. Take them to do things. Play with them. Talk to them about girls, boys, etc. Put it out there that you are NOT a parent, but someone they can come to with problems and things because you love them. If they misbehave while in your care, do nothing but tell their father. (He has to deal with it.) If you don't agree with the punishment, keep your mouth closed. You have no say. Love them, love them, love them because that's what they need right now.

Let the father deal with the mother. All contact about the kids should be between the two of them. There's no reason for you to have to talk to the mother unless you have to take one of the kids to the emergency room and can't get a hold of their father.

Kids feel like they have it bad enough with two parents having different rules for them to follow and different punishments. Don't throw in a third.

And then there's always leaving.

Answer 6

Seems to me you got yourself into something before you took the time to see what the family was all about.

Kids just don't like having to deal step parents. They don't like that fact that someone other then Mom or Dad is telling them what to do, and really its not your place. And if your husband is always taking there side your going to lose the battle. You all need to come together and talk. They need to be told that even though you are not there mother you do have authority in the house and that when Dad is gone your word goes.

Answer 7

I would sit with my husband first, and discuss discipline and you both have to stand united in front of them, and then you both have to sit with his ex and tell her when these kids are in your home this is how your going to discipline, and that neither of you are going to tolerate this anymore.... and as a adults here you all should be on the same page...and your husband needs to step up and be the father and husband and if it dont change then I would say counseling for all, seems these kids are trying to play you two against one another, and its working so it definitely needs to change...

Answer 8

I feel for ya honey. you have a rough road ahead of you. Step children can and do break up marriages all the time. my advise to you is go to the book store immediately and get a book on step family's. read it and live by it. but always put your marriage first!!! most people say kids first..no wrong. they wont be around forever your hubby will. well hope so anyway. it is a tough situation, good luck!

Answer 9

What is wrong with you that you would marry a man who lets his kids yell at him???

If the parents aren't teaching them respect then you will have to! You are their step Mom like it or not and you need to tell them, when they are at your house they WILL respect you and their Father or else! You are going to have to show them just how mean a step Mom can be! At least that's what they will think! But really you need to punish them when they disrespect you and him. This is YOUR house now and you have to teach them how to behave in it, or you need to get out of it! Like I asked, why would you marry into this? You have to have known how they were before you got yourself into this!

Answer 10

ahhhh! My best step mom never had kids of her own.. I loved her and she was a dear friend to me.. take a deep breath and remember you will never be there mother, so don't try to be one..i think that being a step parent is probably the most thankless job their is. but in time.. a child will realize( hopefully) that you do have their best interest at heart, they may not ever say so.. but you will see a change in attitude.. it may take years.. but that is a consequence of divorce.. not their fault or yours...