help i need to sort this out (serious answers only)?

Question

hi..Im just wondering what I should do ..Im married with 2 beautiful girls. My wife and I have not been getting on for about 6 months or so. Its pretty complex..i feel she doesn't respect me and vice versa..she says I better leave..im no good ..then says she will take the kids and house etc and the way the system here works she probably would, i find it hard to cope but it feels like im trapped ,i dont want to leave ..i do love her i work quite hard gotta a good home etc..Kids are very happy .she doesn't work fulltime but but works quite hard at home looking after our 2 girls. her friends dont do much stuff together where Im in a job that gives oppertunity to do things socially (not drinking). I never refuse her from going out or shopping but she doesn't go...I offer weekends away bt she says its to expensive..a waste...im running out of ideas...maybe its me i dont know what to think anymore...
i want to sort it out

No i never cheated nor did she...counciling is not going to work she was in an accident years ago (friend died) went to counciler and left she has no respect for them. I think may respect word might be harsh its like small little stuipid things sets of rows. No violence..just frustration,,

I would like to thank all of you who shared your answers with me. We sat up all night and talked it out. Basically I made her go shopping she wants us to do more stuff..get away etc..She seems happier so i need to work at it...could take a while...but thank you all. I cant really decide a best answer as I took alittle bit of everything on board and they were all helpful..once again thank you all.

Answer 1

You should show her this question. You obviously love and respect her. Sometimes we just got caught up in the blame game and life. For whatever reason, we blame our unhappiness on our spouse, when in reality we haven't taken responsibility for our lives. Get a sitter sometimes and get out. Get out and play as a family. Buy a love card or thank you card and write some things you appreciate that she is doing and in it give her certificates to get out for a day doing great female things like a hair appointment, massage, and a gift card to the mall for an attractive outfit and then go do a great date that evening. Romance her. Don't defend yourself. Hear what she is saying and think it over and see if there really is something you need to change. If there is something specific you want from her, than ask for it and act happy when you get it. Even though children are the best things that ever happened to us, caring for them and the house can be draining and less attractive/interesting. When you are out socializing with others when you are not working while she is home dealing with the house and kids, she may not feel like your family means a whole lot to you. She may not feel like a priority at all. Change that. I am not saying don't socialize, but do start planning regular time together--you and her and you and the kids, and you all together. If your family is important to you, prove it--show it. It does not have to be a weekend trip away. It may be going to the park for two hours or wrestling in the living room or catch in the backyard. How involved are you in your own life? If she says you don't respect her, ask her specifically what you can say or do or stop doing to let her know you DO love and respect her. She is your wife. You want her to be happy. Show her. When your wife is happy, everyone is happy. Really. Set some ground rules together such as no name-calling, no yelling, no lying, etc. Decide what kind of marriage you want and sit down and make a plan together to get there. If you can't figure it out, take the time to have a therapist guide you. It sounds like you two are very in love and just struggling with life like we all do. You can work through this. See what the specific problems are and change your behaviors accordingly. If she stops worrying about what you are doing and not doing and starts worrying about her own actions, it will all get better. Best of luck to you. You guys can work this out. Its worth it.

Answer 2

Being married, being parents - it's really tough. Everyone assumes it's going to be easy but there's so much going on, some you are aware of, some you probably aren't - like unconscious motives or patterns learned from your own parents - habits, reasoning, etc.

Also it can be just plain tiring! You never really get time off from the responsibility, and then there's finance, relaxation, courtship, sex, growth, keeping up the social life, etc....

I agree with the person who says go and get some counselling. You wouldn't run your car without a regular maintenance service, so why do you expect your most important relationship to manage all on its own without some wise and supportive maintenance.

One thing you can look at is family patterns - what things were like for both your wife and you - and your parents - when you were at the small child stage.

Even when you really love someone and feel everything is basically OK, there can still be deep differences about what you each really want from life, the marriage, parenthood, etc.

Much better to sort this out early, rather than late.

Good luck - it sounds like you have a lot to 'fight' for: I don't mean fighting your wife, but fighting against confusion, assumptions, fears, worries and anxiety.

Answer 3

It sounds as though you have at least some repect for her in that you say she does a wonderful job with your two girls. I think you both need to focus on the actual behaviors that upset you - one example: when you leave the toilet seat up it upsets me (simple one - but hopefully you get the idea.) Does she think you should help her more around the house, or do you think she doesn't appreciate you? Tell each other these things - not as an attack, but as a way to open communication.

My husband was getting into the habit of walking out of the house first when we were leaving together - I told him I thought that he should open the door for me & allow me to leave first, and now he does that. Problem solved. If I had let it fester, when I hit a bad day I may have startyed a fight with him about it. Fortunately that didn't happen.

With children it is easy to drift away from the couple you were and what brought you together before kids - take one evening a week to spend with each other - you don't have to do expensive things - go for ice cream, take a walk, spend 20 minutes chatting while you make dinner together. Try to remember not to compete with her, especially with the kids. Kiss her at least 4 times a day - real kisses, not just pecks.

Good luck -

Answer 4

I think my husband feels the same way as you, we don't argue about the house or kids its mainly about him working and me being a stay at home mum to our two girls, i have good days where i think get a hold of your self hes working for you but then there's the side of me where i feel so trap ed that i just take it out on him, i cant help it and feel really guilty after-wards and to ashamed to say sorry. I would be the same as your wife and say we need to save for this that and the other so we wouldn't go out or do anything if it didn't involve the kids, my husband like you as been very patient with me, but something as changed over the last month my husband is trying a new tactic with me, hes been very loving and complementary to me, and where I'd usually go clothes shopping for myself and come back with nothing hes been really forceful to me and making me buy new stuff to boost my confidence, it's working I'm starting to feel better about myself which is making me feel more positive towards every thing else, and I've even agreed to take an two break with him without my girls.
I hope this gives you a little help to how your wife might be feeling because after children we feel like the only thing we are now is mums, you need to show her that she is still your wife and a very beautiful women.
Good luck hope it all works out for you.

Answer 5

Have you considered counseling? Both marital and individual? It sounds like you are experiencing "life." It is in no way an "easy" road and nobody has said that it should be. A marriage is not something that is taken lightly. It is a life-long committment. It takes Hard work, perserverance, and dedication. By taking your wedding vows, you committed to that. And your children are probably NOT "very happy" knowing the situation between their two parents. Children have a keen sense of these things, and it cause tension in their lives as much as it does your own. If you both agree to fully committ everything will work out in time if you truly love eachother. However, it takes two to make it work. Remember...Communication is the key in every relationship. Don't give up, the problems that are facing you now, if not resolved, will only follow you later on.

Answer 6

It sounds as though she no longer wants to be in the relationship. You are being used. It SOUNDS like you are a very good husband and love your wife and kids very much. But there is not much that you can really do at this point (especially if she is not willing to go to counceling). Unfortunately it sounds like the relationship is coming to an end. She is probably still around b/c she feels the responsibility of keeping her family together for the KIDS sake (not yours). I really feel for you b/c it seems as though you really WANT it to work and that you really DO love her but love is just not enough when the person that you love no longer wants that love. I will keep you in my prayers and good luck. I hope that this is just a slump in your marriage and that eventually things will take a turn for the better. Maybe she is just depressed and doesnt even KNOW that she is. A chemical imbalance can do horrible things to a person but she HAS to be willing to admit it to herself and it doesnt seem like she is ready to do that. Just sit tight and continue to be supportive and loving and hopefully things will work out... if not, then remember that your KIDS will be better if both of YOU are happy whether you are together or find happiness with another person.

Answer 7

Don't know how old your girls are, but maybe it's time she went back to work - sounds like she could use a reality check. MIght help her respect levels, too, for you and herself.

Sounds like you could both use a little counseling. If she won't try that, just tell her: you want to work it out. Does she? Yes or no. For either answer, you need an explanation why.

She sounds like she doesn't like her life, but that won't be solved by dumping you.
She's in charge of making herself happy; all you can do is help. So tell her that.

If she's still weird about it, she needs to go and see firsthand what divorce does to kids before she decides what to do. If she has any concern for the children, she needs to put very serious consideration into her threats of leaving and disrupting their lives.

Answer 8

There is a wonderful book on the market called Love and Respect by Dr. Emerson Eggerichs and it is all about how improtant love and respect is in a marriage. I would like to suggest you acquire this book. it helped our marriage emmensely and will help yours too. If you in the meantime keep telling her that you love her and unconditionally to she will begin to respect you. SHe has to unconditionally. She might just be stressed with two small children around the house and possibly needs some time alone with you. Maybe you should find a baby sitter and take her on a date and start wooing her again. It will get better but just you keep telling her you love her and watch how the crazy cycle slows down. WOmen desire love and need to feel loved more than men realize. She loves you and may not be respectful but will become that if you show her love. MAke the effort its worth it.

Read ephesians 5:33 its a biblical order for men to love their wives as they love themselves and for wives to see to it that they respect their husbands.

Get the recommended book and read this for yourself and see what they suggest. Its incredible. It really works!

Answer 9

It sounds like both you and your wife need marriage counseling. I find, from your statement above, that your wife is fed up, but fed up of what I'm not sure. Some women decided on a course of action without thinking it through. Counseling can help with that.

I recommend that you talk to your wife about counseling. Regardless of her reaction, I would procure the services of a lawyer right away, as you cannot afford to be unprepared if she files for divorce. While you may not need it, I also recommend building a case against her immediately.

Answer 10

you mention that you both dont respect each other? it sounds like you both have a problem with communicating. you sound like a good husband, very supportive financially but sometimes that isnt enough. do you support her emotionally? and is sex an issue? she could just be stressed from taking care of the kids and house all day ..and being able to just relax. not sure why she wouldnt want a weekend away (with you right?)

kinda need a litte more info...we are talking a marriage here... its hard to sum it all up in one paragraph.

i wish you the best...take care