Need help with difficult Mother-in-Law?

Question

My MIL has been mean to me from day 1. My husband and I have allowed her to get away with treating me however she wanted and at times pretending as though I don't even exist. This is my dilema,

I am okay with not having a relationship with her. I have made that clear to my husband. I do not need nor do I seek her approval. It happens to be very important to my husband that his Mother and I have a good relationship and she knows this and therefore has used it to her advantage to mistreat me knowing that I will not stand up to her because I don't want to hurt my husband. She has continuously forced me to be the bigger person and has shown me in the process that she herself doesn't even give a crap about her own son's feelings. She admits to doing a lot of wrong things to me in the past and says she wants to start new and that she is sincere BUT refuses to apologize for anything she has done. She emailed me recently and I for the first time was very assertive in my response to her.

I kind of layed it out there and explained to her that she is only hurting her son, I couldn't care less how she feels about me and that I will no longer allow her to have control over my my emotions because she doesn't even care about me as a person.

What do I do about this situation??? I don't want my husband to be sad or unhappy, but at some point enough is enough. I am tired of putting my energy in to her childish games. I feel like she is a 3 year old who would rather negative attention than no attention at all.

HELP

We've been together 6 years.

Answer 1

Good on you. You should have layed it on the line to your MIL, years ago. I think the tables will turn. Your mother in law has been mean to you in the past because she has been in awe of your strength. She is jealous of the qualities you possess but she doesnt. She hasnt worn you down and that email is proof of that. Unless she is a stupid woman, then she is going to think long and hard about the things you have said. If she trully loves her son, then she will wake up to herself. Maybe you can send her another email saying that you are quite prepared to start afresh with her under one condition........that she apologise to you and her son for the way she has treated you in the past. Then let her come around. Tell your husband, that you love him very much, but are not prepared to put up with her crap any longer, and if she wants to have a relationship with you, then the ball is in her court. You have stipulated the terms of this "starting afresh", now let her decide if she is serious or not.

That is the best you can do. You married her son, not her. You dont have any kind of responsibility to make it work between you and her and you need to make that quite clear to your husband. She started this, now its time for her to decide if its time she was civil to you. Its called cause and effect and maybe by you writing this email has made her realise this......its the way she has treated you that has made you feel this way. She needs to accept responsibility for this.

Let her stew and see if she comes around. If not, then you will know she wasnt serious to begin with....so be prepared for more of the same.

Answer 2

I'm sort of in the same situation except I got a conditional apology. Like I'll say sorry but only if you say sorry which I refused to do since I didn't do anything wrong. But like you said for our husbands we have to be the bigger person.

What I'm trying is this. I only make small talk with her. Nothing important or emotional that she can use against me later. I only try to talk to her when others are around, if I don't she ends up twisting my words and telling my husband or hers or other family members that I was hateful to her. When I visit I give her the welcome hug and say one nice thing about her like, "wow, I really like the shirt. or I love the new hair do." and then keep the conversation to a minimal. That way she can only say that I said nice things to her. I just keep telling myself that I can't let her steal my thunder!!!! She leaves and goes on her marry way and then my husband and I spend DAYS talking about how hateful she was. Why do I let her steal another minute of my time then what she already did? I wish you all the best.

Answer 3

Honey, I know how you feel. This is the deal, you MIL do not have any right to mistreat you, and if your husband is allowing this, than he is wrong. I'm sorry, I know your hubby's intentions are for you two to get along. Let's face it ! No matter what you do she is not going to approve. So, I think you two need to stay separated until your husband comes to his senses and realize that his mother is taken advantage of the situation. Tell your husband you deserve the same respect he does and will not settle for this crap.

Answer 4

Honestly, it's time to lay down the law with her. Let her know that her son knows you're contacting her, then explain that the games she's played and things she's done wrong is going to have to stop or no more communication with her. Let your husband get over it if he's mad. You are not her mat to walk all over and if he's a man, he'll stand up to her, you know? Since she won't apologize, so be it, but there shouldn't be any more communication between you and her. If he calls or she calls to talk with him, so be it. Be consistent in your actions, this way she'll realize you mean business. Whether her tune changes is up to her, if it doesn't, move on. If it does, move on.

Answer 5

Well, your husband married YOU and not his mother, right? He should have been the one to step up and tell his mother to quit treating you horribly. Is he a mama's boy?

Since he won't do that, you have every right to step up and defend yourself. Explain to your husband that you love him and have tried to have a relationship with his mother, but she is unwilling and you will not be treated unfairly or unkindly by anyone when it's not deserved. Let him know that if he doesn't speak up, YOU will. If you don't nip this now, you will be treated this way forever.

If he resists or insists that you keep taking the abuse, leave him and tell him to marry his mother.

Now, if her mistreatment of you is warranted (i.e. you're mean to her first, you're a druggie, you mistreat her son, etc.) then you need to leave him alone so he can find someone that's worthy.

Answer 6

Communicate with your husband and explain that his mother is toxic to your relationship right now and you need his support to make the situation better.

Cut her entirely out of your lives until she learns to behave. Explain to her that you guys love her way to much to see her so stressed out about things and you want to give her some time to work out HER issues with your relationship. Then ignore her until she shapes up.

Your husband either backs you on this one, or you divorce him. There is no grey area here......

Answer 7

Wow! First of all, your husband should put YOUR feelings above his mother's. It's time for him to cut the cord, and stand up to that woman. If you stated your feelings in a letter, than you probably won't have to do anything else. Just avoid her, don't talk to her when at all possible, and take her abuse. You CAN stand up for yourself, and if your husband doesn't like it, ask who he is married to, you or her?

Answer 8

effective artwork. provide it some concept astonishing. Your mom in regulation sounds like a psychopathic predator. Avoidance is the only recourse. Your spouse is her daughter and needs to make her very own selection on a thank you to handle her. shop doing what you're doing and cut back verbal replace approximately her. Have a effective existence.

Answer 9

I've been married for 7 years and your mil is an angel compared to mine. trust me it will not get better, my mil thinks my children are not my husbands because they look like me and not him, you just need to stand up for yourself and stop being the bigger person, my life got easier when I started standing up and putting her back in place

Answer 10

Tell her she is going to force you to have to make him choose between the two of you. Then, see if she has confidence he will choose her. If he does, leave him. He might come after you and he might not, but be ready in case he doesn't. Put a stop to this woman in your life. She is sucking her son dry. She is sick and twisted and you don't have to pay for it. Do it now before you waste your life.