husband won't kiss or have sex with me?

Question

I am 39, my husband is 47.
For all of our marriage, he was not intimate - even before. Before we were married he said he was insecure and that once we were married he would feel better and be more open. Well, seven years later, and we went from our highlight of sex (maybe once a week, with no foreplay, no kissing EVER and no eye contact) to about once every three months if that, always in the morning before he goes to work, and again, very fast and robotic.

In the past, I would try to talk to him. I bought books for me, for him, for us. I tried everything. I am thin, attractive enough, and often get attention from men as young as 25 and as old as 60 when out, and I dress classic - not sleazy.
I do not have hygenic issues and if I did, I would address them. I never had this sexual issue with anyone else. My sex life was always wonderful before. I thought this would be a security issue with him, and he'd relax.

he says it IS his problem but for 5 years since I've addressed it has done nothing. I have asked if he was gay, even an affair (would be a reason) but he says it is not that.
I need to add that he is NICE to me otherwise. Just a dead sexual and intimate life.
He has ignored our marriage issues and we live like roomates. I think it is time to pack up and find a satisfying relationship.
We have two children if that matters.
He knows I live daily with sadness, confusion over this, feel rejected and such. He ignores me and I'm sick of it. When I say he is nice, I mean he doesn't abuse me in the traditional way - but neglect is not fun to live with. I am not alone, but feel lonely.
He barely hugs me or says hello or goodbye. He has drastic mood swings and I am supposed to just welcome him "back" to reality when he is over his little funk, no questions asked.
He has lied to me often and I just see no point.
Advice? Is his cheating and I just don't see it? Gay? help!

Answer 1

He has two choices. Leave because he is less than a man or you divorce him for alienation of affection and move on with each others lives. Either way, cut to boat anchor off.

Answer 2

My concern would not be whether he is gay, it seems he has a problem with being close to someone. Now, he should have gotten over this after 7 years. If he knows your unhappy and not trying to change things, then I would wonder why. If someone loves you they want you to be happy, I'm not saying he doesn't love you, but something is wrong and needs to be fixed and he is the only one who can do that. It is mainly his problem, he needs to find out why he acts this way toward his wife. No eye contact isn't good in its self. He is either ashamed because he can't preform or he is seeing someone else. I don't believe it has anything to do with you, but him and he has the power to change it if he wants. At 47 he should still be wanting to have sex, and again this was before the marriage, so he needs to be honest with you. If gay or whatever the reason he needs to tell you.

Answer 3

First of all, it is his problem. But with that said, you need counseling, even if he won't get the help he needs himself.

The neglect is a form of abuse. His moodiness could also be a sign of an abusive personality. But without knowing him better and knowing more of the situation its hard to know if it really is or not, but I would still talk to someone about it, get some info from a YWCA or someplace about what abuse is and what your options are, get some education about what you can do basically.

Especially since there are kids involved, you need to do all you can to work it out. But you can't do it alone. You need to decide if you can continue living with this (and get the help you need so its not quite so bad for you) or head out since he doesn't seem to care about the marriage enough to get the help he needs.

Good Luck, and God Bless, either road you choose will not be easy, but you aren't alone either.

Answer 4

I too was in a sexless marriage after countless years of trying to make him see how important it was. He also is not gay nor did he have a lover. I felt very rejected and became very resentful and finally I just asked him one day to list his priorities. In his list, sex was about the 5 or 6th one. On my list it was 1st!!! I decided at that moment things would never change and it didn't have anything to do with me, it was simple....he just didn't find it a priority.

I am now happily divorced and have been for 3 years. I have 2 small children and they have coped pretty well.

Answer 5

..."he says it IS his problem but for 5 years since I've addressed it has done nothing."

That is unacceptable! He knows that this is hurting you and is doing nothing to help it. He may be he is Asexual, or gay, or cheating, but either way, he is not making an effort in your marriage! I am not making light of what you are suffering through, but you share in the responsibility for putting up with it that long! You have allowed him to become complacent knowing you won't do anything about it...ie. leave him.

As others have said, talk to him immediately about it, be frank and tell him exactly what you want to see happen. I would suggest counseling where both of you attend if you are really interested in saving this marriage. But, this needs to happen now, don't let yourself suffer anymore. You have endured this for too long and life is way too short!

Good luck and be strong!

Answer 6

Wow! Before getting married, me and my guy had sex on a daily basis, sometimes 2 or times a day. But then once we were married it went down to a few days a week, and we've been married for almost 2 years now, and the only way I really got him interested in sex, was I went out and I vought some porn. I don't believe in it, but we're haveing sex just about every night(not counting menstrual nights)! Hey, it helped so I'm happy!

Answer 7

Maybe your husband is just asexual and it might have taken him all these years to find out for himself. Asexuality is a general term or self-designation for people who do not exhibit sexual attraction, or who otherwise find sexual behavior unappealing. It is although the least common orientation, but possibly he could be one. He must be having hard time with his own thoughts/feelings and hence mistreats you for your needs. You should both see a sex counselor and see if that helps you change things in your relationship. Otherwise, you definately don't deserve to put up with so much for no reason.

Answer 8

i am a male and let me tell you i wouldn't know how to feel if my sex life was dead. of course i'm only 30 and now single so if i was you, go and get one of those blue pills and lets see if it's a little of the ED going on. Put it in his coffee then maybe you will have the old tiger back. if that doesn't work, short term go to the nearest adult store and pick up some items while you find the next guy. you can always find one at the neighborhood bar that's up to the one night stand with no strings attached!

Answer 9

You asked and it is very hard to judge based on not having both parties involved. However I can see that you are clearly frustrated over this and from a man I can only tell you one thing and that is to ask him directly what is going on and let him know that this is hurting you inside. Let him know once more that he needs to address this issue either with you or thru counseling and if not there will be things which he will have to deal with.
Either way take your time and let him know that you do love him but you deserve to be happy.

Answer 10

What a sad situation. If things have not changed by now, they are not going to. You are entitled to a relationship that is both emotional AND sexual. Tell your husband you cannot live the rest of your life without physical intimacy, and you are filing for divorce. Do not let him convince you that things will get better. Things do not have to get ugly, but they do need to end.