I noticed a lot of single moms want a father figure for their kids. I have two, but their father is involved and I don't want to bring another one around. I'd rather date a little (get my needs met every once in a while) and focus on my kids and job than put forth more energy into a relationship (I've been through two busted ones in the past few years).
A lot of friends don't think this is a good idea, they seem to think that mothers should find someone to marry and live with, but my situation is different. My oldest son is autistic, and he may never be able to live on his own, and I feel it would be better to raise him alone in my house with visits to his father's house. A lot of women don't understand my position. What's your opinion?
2007-04-23 05:35:47 · 43 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I don't plan on ever introducing them to any potential "friends", period. Too difficult and confusing.
2007-04-23 05:41:26 · update #1
It is a great attitude and great idea. "Friends" don't understand? Get new "friends". As a single father doing the same (custodial parent), I get the same b.s. because I have daughters. I have "friends" who will not allow me to watch their children with mine because of the stereotypes associated with the "single-dad." Don't fall for it. I've noticed that those pushing us towards "serious" relationships for our kids are the ones that are in terrible relationships themselves. They are jealous of your self-determination, devotion to your self and your willingness to sacrifice for your kids.
My mother constantly sought out "father" figures. My brothers and I often joke with her about some of these clowns: Rotten Ralph, JO Johnson, Smelly Guy....
Stay the course! Single parents unite!!
2007-04-23 05:47:52 · answer #1 · answered by MagusGreg 2 · 4⤊ 0⤋
No, of course it isnt wrong at all. I was raised by a single mother. When she had relationships i think it might actualy have been harder one me. It can be very hard for a young person to understand their mother going out with someone who isnt their father, especialy if their father is still in the picture.
It can be hard to raise a child with such special abilities as your son must have. I actualy think it is very wise (as long as you have the friends and the support system you and your son need) to stay single if it makes you happy. Or at least staying single untill your children are older (i dont know the ages but i think 16-18 is a good age to see their mother dating).
I dont belive in the least bit that a woman "needs a man" to do anything. Perhaps your friends are living in the past a little.
Either way , if i had kids i would want to do what is right for them and if their father is involved and you are happy being single, then what you should do is take care of those kids and spend as much time as you can with them.
But what do i know :)
2007-04-23 05:52:49 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
There is actually a group of thought that believes its better for parents to stay single after a divorce, for the sake of their children. Bringing another parent into the situation does cause a disruption for the kids, and requires a lot of adjustment, for better or worse. Then toss in the high rate of second marriages that end in divorce, thus causing the kids more trauma....
Especially if their father is active in their lives, they have a father figure. And even if he wasn't, there are other people that can fill that role. So the only thing they are really missing out on, is seeing how a successful marriage works. Make sure they have plenty opportunities in their life to see that, and they won't be missing out on a thing.
Personally, I know I'm happy being a single mom, but I wouldn't turn away love if it came along either (course it would have to drop in my lap, knocking me on the head on the way before I would even realize it was there, but still....) ;)
2007-04-23 05:49:25 · answer #3 · answered by Ally J 3 · 2⤊ 0⤋
When single women bring another man in the house, the kids take a back seat and suffer with feelings of rejection. Women don't think about this when they're focusing on finding a new mate. Their children suffer!
You can certainly date, but you are wise to stay single for now. Hopefully the father is taking an active role in the children's lives, so that you do have time to yourself. I clearly understand your position and applaud you for having such insight. Don't let your friends discourage you. You're doing the right thing. The day will come when you will find happiness, so don't worry about that.
2007-04-23 05:50:12 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
If they have their father figure, then thats fine. If your happy and your kids are happy with the present situation. However, a time might come when you feel lonely and want someone there with you, who connects with you. When you find that person then you can introduce them into your families life. Just be sure you have strong feelings for him. Slowly progress in making him a part of your life so the kids don't get overwhelmed. This may take a few years, but if your kids are ok from the start then you can move faster. Remember, even though your kids are... well kids, they have minds and opinions. They will appreciate it in the long run, because you took their feelings into consideration in front of your own. Sounds like your having fun with the way things are, so enjoy, only you will know when your ready to marry again.
2007-04-23 05:44:13 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋
I understand what you're saying. I don't think that kids need to meet everyone that their parent is dating. But I don't understand why you would want to stay single for the rest of your life.
I don't think it will effect your kids at all by not having a man in the house. As long as their father remains a constant part of their life, he should be able to give them all that they need. I am more concerned you. I also put my children's happiness before mine but I also know that I will oneday have needs that need to be met more frequently and I won't always be able to do that when the kids are gone. How will you deal with that issue? What if you just fall in love with someone and you feel that you can't live without them, how will you introduce this person to your children after keeping them from your "friends" for so long? By that time, your children will be extremely jealous of the time you devote to that person.
2007-04-23 05:49:03 · answer #6 · answered by wilsonhutchison04 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I don't think it is wrong for you to prefer to stay single. Afterall, you said that they have a father that loves them and is involved in thier lives. I can understand why you do not want to bring other men into thier lives. They might get attached to one and then if it does not work out between the two of you you kids might be hurt over it. I think you are handling it right. Too many women go in and out of relationships which could be more damaging to kids than the way you have chosen.
2007-04-23 05:41:13 · answer #7 · answered by susie 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋
I totally agree with you. The most important relationship you will ever have is with your children. I am a happily single mom, and have decided to remain that way until my daughter is off on her own. Her father is involved too, so I dont worry about that aspect. I think so many women dont feel complete unless they have a man around, but I am totally okay with being on my own. I can dedicate my time and energy into ensuring that my daughter has a calm and happy life. I am a rational parent who doesnt believe in belittling and yelling. Adding a man into the mix just wouldnt work for me. I chose to have a child, and the best thing I can do for her is to give her the benefit of my utmost attention. In your case, you have your hands full, I am sure. I know this may sound far fetched, but have you had your son tested for food allergies? I have multiple food allergies (wheat, soy, eggs, dairy, nuts, tomato, avacado) and in my research, I read about alot of autistic children recovering completely, or at least improving dramatically when allergens are removed from their diet. Just wanted to pass the info on for your consideration. It sounds like you are doing a great job as a mom-I am giving you a star
2007-04-23 05:48:51 · answer #8 · answered by beebs 6 · 2⤊ 2⤋
I agree with you. It sounds like your children already have a solid father-figure in their life--their own father.
I think that rotating men into and out of the house as each relationship goes sour has a greater possibility of harming the children than their mother being happy by herself.
Of course, you may find "the one" while you are "dating a little". And if you do, then great! But I don't think you are doing the children an injustice by not pursuing your next husband.
Good luck!
2007-04-23 05:40:48 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
There's lots of ways to raise a family. If this works for you and your children, then don't let anyone tell you that it's wrong! If you're worried about father figures, there is the Big Brother program and other organizations like that.
I think that if it isn't broken, why fix it? You could end up doing more damage than good if you try to fit into the standard family image.
Good luck!
2007-04-23 05:43:42 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 1⤋