Is he afraid to see his real self?

Question

My husband has a hard time with emotions, anger, and loosing his temper. And he puts so much emphasis on what he DOES for someone, like opening car doors, sending me flowers, giving me massages, etc.And will often say in pride no other guys do that stuff for women, and that's how i show you that I care. But what he fails to understand is that, all of that stuff means nonthing if he is yelling at me in anger, throwing things at me and hitting things, and cursing around me in anger. I don't know what to do, i feel like he's afraid to see his REAL side, maybe this is why he only see himself and the THINGS that he does. Why does he put so much emphasis on what he DOES instead of how he behaves and acts?

Answer 1

he's needy... so he has to show people and tell everything he does to build himself up....

if he is abusive, get help for YOU... no one else will.

Answer 2

I can't say it much better than Jon S. did. I do love the book he mentions, though in this case, I don't think it applies. The situation you describe does sound like abuse, and it too takes me back to an abusive relationship I was in. Basically he's trying to do two things, 1. He's trying to sell himself to you, like a used car salesman and a lemon car, he's trying to hide his faults by showing you all the good things he does. And 2. He's trying to make you crazy. How can someone so mean do so many nice things, you must just be imagining the bad things...its especially effective when other people see him being so nice because then they can't believe it if you ever tell them how cruel he really is, thus further driving it home that your crazy. It's a common abuse pattern.

GET HELP! Get help NOW! Look into Domestic Violence programs in your community, talk to a woman's shelter, YWCA, if you can't find either, talk to a victim's advocate at your local police department, they can point you in the right direction to get the counseling and education you need to make the decision of what to do next.

Know that you are worth so much more than that and don't deserve the cruel behavior!

God bless you.

Answer 3

Well, your question is twofold. Let me take the less important part first.

One is that he performs acts of service and gives gifts to you to try to show his love. There's nothing wrong with this at all, and realize that each person has different ways of expressing love. The problem comes when we don't recognize those 'different languages' and tend to discount when someone shows love/affection in a way that we don't appreciate. There's an excellent book called 'The Five Love Languages' which goes into further detail about how to recognize and appreciate the different ways we show love for each other.

That's academic though in your case, because I doubt seriously that he's just speaking a different language. More likely he's an abuser from what you describe who is simply 'doing things' to help restore control over you during the 'honeymoon' phase of a typical cycle of abuse.

His actions are way out of line, abusive in fact (throwing things at you?? Hitting things?? Allowing his temper to rule him so completely that he appears to have no physical restraint?). If this continues, you are in danger and should get out.

Here's how a normal abuse cycle works. First there's the buildup of tension, you can feel the coming storm but are powerless to prevent it. Often like you're walking on eggshells, that there are lots of arbitrary 'rules' that you have to adhere to avoid the outburst of anger/violence but because the rules change all the time there's no way to avoid it. The wrong word can set it off, but then so can silence. Because there is no way to win, this creates psychologically a terrible sense of distortion in the person being abused where the world is a very unsafe place and the person being abused will often question his own view of reality. As I write this I'm recalling with vivid detail some of the situations I found myself in with my ex, and actually wondering if I were crazy or somehow basically flawed that I was causing her outbursts/violence.

Second comes the outburst/lash out/rage/violent anger etc.

Third comes the 'honeymoon' stage where the abuser will often apologize, promise never to do it again, give gifts, perform acts of service, appear to be contrite, etc.

Then the cycle repeats, and escalates each time.

It sounds like your husband is controlling and ruled by his own anger. Don't let yourself get sucked any further into a bad situation. Get some help with your situation immediately. Even if you don't think you are in an abusive situation, from what you describe I would encourage you to get an unbiased outside opinion from a professional, who will then be able to help if necessary (and I think it probably is)

Answer 4

You probably will not appreciate this response, but it is from a man who understands what it is that is missing for MEN. It may ot be what you want to hear, but it is what some, if not most, of us feel.

He is insecure and is afraid that he is not enough man for you or any woman. I know that feeling. And it comes from the new age of woman that is expected to have had multiple sexual partners before she decides on the one she will marry (until of course that she deems him no longer good enough.)

Social engineering has RUINED the family by ruining the tradition that a good woman is a virgin when she gets married and she is expected to remain faithful. These days all a woman has to do to be a good woman is to not get caught cheating.

Answer 5

Most men are like that (not necessarily in the sense that they do the negative things he does). I just mean that most men can't imagine the idea that they are doing something wrong. They justify their bad behavior by throwing other things in our faces. Like my husband used to do. Stay out drinking at all hours, make me do all the housework while I was in grad school and working full time so he could fish and drink in his time off. Treat me like dirt and tell me, exactly, "I don't have time for you. We'll have time to go out to eat when the kids are grown and gone" (we didn't have kids yet). He'd justify by saying he brought home a paycheck and didn't hit me or cheat on me, so he could do whatever he wanted. He's not liek that anymore, or I wouldn't be with him.

Answer 6

He sounds like an out-of-control control freak.

Maybe he feels he isn't getting any recognition at work and then brings that frustration home with him and you get the brunt end of his temper tantrums.
If you have a video camera, hide it, and video tape him having a conniption fit and show him how ridiculous he acts and that he is going to have to change his behavior.

Answer 7

My husband and I went through a lot of what you are going through right now! Men are so practical, they don't wear their emotions on their sleeves like many women do. It is so frustrating! I, finally, needed to either leave him or ask for help! I called a counselor and went to individual therapy. My husband agreed to go to couples counseling with me, and we are doing really great now! We are closer then ever before! I hope that you both love one another enough to get help!

Answer 8

he puts so much emphasis on that stuff cuz he wants to make up for shouting and cursing. He can't control himself, it happens unvoluntarily...he can get better if he seeks help

Answer 9

The answer may be yes.....
Perhaps he's 'being' someone he isnt. By doing these things he 'needs' to do, when in fact he doesnt really 'want' to do.
Communication is the key. If he's unable to do that, therein lies the issue.

Answer 10

You see his real side and if I were you I'd get away from him. Flowers and massages won't save your life.

Answer 11

You see his real self, let that be enough to let him know you don't like what you see and either he changes or he looses you.