girls? stepdaughters.?

Question

i want to get on with my stepdaughter who is in her 20s. i feel she is keeping me at a distance, have only been married for 8 mth, want to be friends with her and be a good grandfather for any children, do not have any of my own children, want to feel a part of a family. what do you think. read all about these who want someone to love their children, but when someone comes along who does want to love the children you get or feel pushed out. makes you feel its all a load of rubbish about wanting a husband to love their kids, to help them to support them etc etc.

Answer 1

it will come with time once you have helped them out .with problems etc.

Answer 2

In her mind you are not her "father", and the way she sees it, you never will be. To her, you're just a strange man that her mother is trying to use to replace someone who can never be replaced. She probably feels that she's already 20, so she doesn't need another parent-like figure in her life.

What hobbies does she have? Where does she work? Try to get involved with things like that; if she's still in college and ever has some sort of presentation/performance, make sure you're there to see it. Get her a little gift to show that you care. Maybe go out to dinner one night, just the two of you. If you can find a common interest, you will get along nicely together. Talk to your new wife about this, it's important that she knows how you feel. But don't worry, one day she'll have a problem and she'll come to you for help, and then you'll become very close. Good luck!

Answer 3

It is only natural that you may be in a "hurry" to form a close bond with your step-daughter. Because you are a mature person, you are aware of the importance of fostering love in a family, whether you own, or a "combined" one. However, it is a well known fact that step-children find it difficult to accept the "new" parent, especially at your step-daughter's age.

She is still young, and at this age is not really able to process emotional issues with the balanced emotions of an aware adult. It also seems there may be some problem you are experiencing with your wife, from what you are saying - do you feel that she is not supporting your efforts ? It is extremely crucial that there are good lines of communication between you both in order to find resolution. These situations are NEVER easy to begin with, and there is a need for patience and persistance. Are you really understanding your step-daughter's feelings - have you been able to have a genuine talk to her about YOUR feelings ? You say that you were a counsellor - then you should have at your command the knowledge that could help you here.

I am feeling that it would be necessary and helpful if you could arrange for a family counselling session. The situation may never be as perfect as you would wish, and you can only do your best - and please, do not become cynical. Emotions are very complex things.

Answer 4

Yes, want a husband or partner to love their kids, NOT someone else's. It's lovely that you have all this kindness to offer, but 8 months is not a long time at all. You are new, unknown and knowingly or not, a bit scary.Trust is earned, and so is love. I'm in my 20's - I have a great relationship with my step-mum, but my mum's partner has been around for a year and is only just learning how to behave: I don't need another father! I already have one, and even I didn't I would not appreciate someone turning up and being like, "right, I'm going to father you." Let her set the pace. The best thing you can do is let her know you want to care and want to be part of the family, And leave it at that. Don't force it down her throat. Who knows? Maybe she's worried you'll take her Mum away from her. We all have irrational feelings about our parents. Inside all of us there's still a hungry little baby.

Answer 5

Hi Gray, You obviously care for this girls mother, and want the group to be a happy family. Lucky, lucky lady. As the daughter is in her twenties ,surely she must be starting to have a life of her own, and must be pleased for her mum to have found company again.Of course her dad will always be her dad, like her mum will always be her mum. And you are her mums partner, friend, supporter. You probably pick up all the bills too. I have never understood the resentment thrown at new partners by adult offspring. Sheer badness some of it, and yes I have been there too. Give a while longer, you deserve respect too, if you are still an outsider then, let them pay their own bills. An after thought, from a fellow traveller, dont you think there should now be a clause, in divorce laws, for voiding a marriage, brought to an end by scheming adult siblings.

Answer 6

Don't try so hard. She will see how much you love her mother, and how much her mom loves you, and eventually come around to accepting you. She's an adult now, and don't really need a father figure anymore, but she will come around to being your friend in time. Yes single moms want a husband that will love their kids and support them, but the support they are talking about, most of the time, is emotional support. Take it slower and don't give up, it will all work out.

Answer 7

You can not force someone to like you ... not even step children. 8 months is not a long time so be patient and give it time. Let her know that you are there to help her and that she can come to you for advice or whatever. Show her that you can be a good and caring father and grandfather to her children even if it is only a step-father and step-grandfather.

Answer 8

My father was married for two years, he has four children. All who are adults and have moved out and started their lives. I am the youngest of four. When my dad got married, I was 18 years old at the time. Being that my father raised 4 kids by himself, i thought having a woman, that I could talk with and go out to eat with would be ok. Well, basically, my step mother was pure he**, but what I would have liked....... was someone to talk to, someone to go out and eat with, someone to respect me and my age, my thoughts, opinions, etc., but at the same time to give me my space.

You have to give it time and hopefully things will turn out for the best. It won't happen over night though.

Answer 9

Love isn't instant. And what an unfortunate opening line "I want to get on with...". I thought you were a predator at first.

Relax and get to know her as a person, not a potential producer of grandchildren. She is not twelve. She is an adult and you need to develop this relationship as a friendly, respectful one. She probably doesn't believe in instant family. Neither do I.

Answer 10

She probably feels like your trying to take the place of her real dad. I know thats what I felt like with my stepmother, and it made matters so much worse that my real mum had passed away 4 months beforehand.

Don't try to be her dad, she won't appreciate it. Just be as nice as you can to her and make sure she knows you're there if she needs you. Don't push her, and definately don't try to make her call you Dad, just get her to call you by your first name. And don't try to do discipline or parenty things like that, just be her friend and don't judge her

Good Luck, I hope it works out for you

Answer 11

Perhaps she is keeping you at a distance for a reason. And you won't automatically become her 'father'. Especially if she has a biological father. And for that reason alone, she may resent you trying to fill what should be 'his' shoes.