How do I deal with what my in-laws are doing?

Question

My Inlaw's don't pay their bills.Their house has almost been foreclosed on twice & their phone is off.My husband says his dad hides the bills from his mom,that still doesn't give them an excuse not to pay them. They expect my husband to help them everytime.We were saving up to have the actual wedding this summer & those funds got depleted to help them out. We live in a 3Rm apartment & we're trying 2 save for the party,a house and the car we have. Everytime they ask my husband for help they ask "Doesn't Mel make enough" or you guys just bought whatever. I tell my husband he doesn't have to explain how we spend OUR money, we're not children & we're almost 30. Everytime my husband talks to them it's as if they don't care how this is affecting us. He has helped them in the past but they expect him to continue to do this even though they owe him almost $8,000 within 2 years. I've already told him that if we have kids this can't continue we would have to take care of our family.

Answer 1

I'd be so pissed....Forget that. sounds like they are taking advantage now. They aren't going to stop. You need to take a stand now before it's too late!

Answer 2

You can't control what your in-laws do, but you do have some control over how your husband spends the family's money. You need to have a serious talk with him about this. I realize his parents probably put him on a major guilt trip when they ask him for money, but he's not doing them or himself and his family any favors by giving it to them. You're absolutely right, he does not owe his parents any explanation about how you guys spend your money. You guys may need to see a financial planner or marriage counselor about this one, because while you're absolutely right about giving his parents money after you have children can't happen, it shouldn't be happening now. He's got some reason why he does it though. You need to find out what his reasoning is, and go from there.

I can't figure out if you're already legally married or not--it sounds like you are and you're just having the formal ceremony. If not, I would seriously reconsider marriage with this issue hanging over your heads. To me, this would just about be what Dr. Phil calls a deal-breaker. It just sets up too many other problems for the future.

p.s. you guys are not legally, morally, ethically, or financially responsible for his parents debts. If they die tomorrow, any unsecured credit that can't be paid with the estate (which I'm sure isn't much) will simply be wiped out. Those creditors cannot come after your husband, any siblings, etc.

Answer 3

I know the feeling. We were engaged. We purchased a TV that was on sale, his parents needed a TV so we loaned it to them never did get it back. His dad died a year after we go married. I had to pay to have grave opened up they had no money. I paid for the funeral . Which she did pay back after getting the insurance money. But everytime she wanted something she never had the money. She borrowed our car for 6 months , because she could not afford to have her fixed. Leaving me home with 3 kids and no transportation. I finally had to put my foot down. Amazing she found the money. She wanted new carpet in her house. My husband put it in did not tell me and when I went to pay my daughter college tution there was no money in the bank I had to put it on a charge card. When his mother was dying she did not want to be buried in the ground she already had a plot next to her husband, she wanted a crept and have her husband moved she did not have the money so guess who got to pay for it all.
We paid all her bills the last year of her life no money.
Yet, the other son never spend a time on her. Stop now, stop helping out someone that will only sponge off you . I know I have been there.

Answer 4

I'd go directly to the mother-in-law! Say hey, what's going on? bring it up like your concerned that they are not meeting there monthly obligations and wanted to know what YOU could do to help. This way the mother-in-law would have a Clue and if she didn't she would not and then voice your concerns and give your opinion and tell her your problem with the funds that are being shelled out and what you all HAD AND WERE trying to save for and maybe she could shed some light on the subject. She might not even know that the father-in-law keeps barrowing the money.

Answer 5

You are correct in talink to your husband. I would be very frusturated if I were you. If you are working toward financial goals together and especially if you share a checking account, then you do have a say in where the money is spent. You, as the man's soon to be wofe, can not turn you rback completely on his parents, but $4000 a year is too much. I would sit down with him and tell him that his parents shoudl at this time in their lives be self sustaining, and not your responsibility.

Answer 6

I personally think that you and your husband need to have a serious talk. You both need to come to an agreement that makes you both feel happy. Your husband needs to understand that he can't dish out all of your savings for his family (don't get me wrong, helping your family is important--if they are making an attempt to help themselves first). Is your husband an only child?-- if not there may be a possibility that his siblings could help his parents out. Just keep stressing how this is making you feel and how it could affect your future!

Answer 7

I have a simular situation but not with the giving of the money. My husband and I have 2 children and I do not work so we are unable to help.
He is putting them ahead of you. When you marry it is supposed to be that you cleave to your husband/wife, not your family. Bailing them out will not help them, only letting them face those consequences will help them..It's sad but true. Talk to your husband, it is, in fact, both of your money AND it is concerning that he is spending the money you had for your wedding on his family. Ask him where they should make you feel his priorities lie....That may be a sobering question for him> Good luck..

Answer 8

WOW! usually it's the kids sucking the parents money out! Your future inlaws are immature and irresponsible and apparently have always been that way. Since they've been "grown" and "on their own" for quite some time, I dont see them changing anytime soon. In other words, unless you dump your fiance OR move to another country, they're always gonna be tapping your wallet for money to bail them out.
VERY unfair and selfish---after all, it's your time in life to start a family, etc. theyve HAD their time....

Answer 9

Be very thankful that your husband learned to be more responsible that his parents.

Your husband is simply enabling them. They know he will bail them out, if he quits bailing them out and they actually have the electricty or water cut off they may learn to take better care of their finances.

In my opinion your husband is choosing his parents over you. He needs to explain to his parents that he has his own family now and they have to come first.

Put your foot down before it gets worse. Talk to him about perhaps sending them to some finance classes, they need to learn to budget their money. Pay bills first, playing comes in last.

They are taking advantage of your husband and he is letting them!

Answer 10

The next talk he has with them should be, the buck stops here! No more help, I have a wife and want to start my life with a home and children so I need my money. He should tell them that before they come again for help and when they do come( because they won't listen) he should stick to his guns....

Answer 11

If you marry him you will marry this mess. He needs to get a backbone. Do not marry him until he is free of the guilt associated with these demon people. They will suck you both dry and there wont be anything you can do. I would say RUN but you wont. They won't change anytime soon unless you put your foot down and just say no. NO NO No no no no no no...........over and over and over.