what makes a man kind and caring one minute then nasty the next???

Question

my husband of almost 6 years knows im in severe pain all the time from severe endo and polycystic ovarian disease... he's kind and sweet "saying he will always be there for me" one minute then turns nasty and has a go at me "saying its my fault as im sleeping so much" im sleeping alot from the pain medication im on at the moment... ive got my period at the moment and im in a really bad state... i couldnt stand upright this morning as i was doubled over in pain... and he helped me up and helped me get dressed.... and within 5 minutes he was hasseling me saying im a lazy cow...
why do men act this way??? im really unwell and his attitude makes me feel useless when hes cruel.... but i love it when hes kind and caring as it helps me to relax and not tense up... are there any other women who deal with this type of man , or any men who can shed some light on the male attitude.....

Answer 1

I was going to answer drugs/alcohol but after reading the rest of your post, maybe hes just having a hard time handling your illness. People don't get married thinking that things could change like that... change is hard for anyone. He probably is having a hard time coping. Hes sweet because he loves you but then turns because he is frustrated that you are not the way you were before and he can't do anything about it to help you. His anger could just be a cover up for his saddness.

Answer 2

You have to listen to what the guys here are saying to your question, because at the end of the day it's a man's perspective and thought process you are trying to figure out. He has buttons that if pushed, outweigh the good in the relationship. He obviously hates what you're doing, and you were lucky he told you. Unless he was joking you need to take it seriously and decide if you want to change what you do or not. Maybe he has these buttons because of issues from another relationship/or just generally, it's an issue for him. Possibly this is an issue because it's that together with other stuff, but chances are he has told you all it is. I believe he's telling you he can take it, but does not want to spend his life with someone that does that. He has a mental picture of the kind of life he wants, and that is not in it. He's not saying he wants to split now, he's warning you what might happen, that this is a great relationship and it's damaging it, slowly eating away at him. The little things can make all the difference. Maybe it's about respect? Whatever it is, you do need to get to the bottom of it. Some guys put up with it because they ignore it and don't care, others take it more personally, or they just don't like it, whether or not it was a joke, it's something that bugs/annoys them. He hasn't changed, he's just realised something about you or, he's just realised how much he likes you and there's potential for this dreamy image to get spoiled. He is communicating with you, it's a good sign, but you need to listen. So many men/women do not communicate or do it when they should, instead one just starts drifting away from the other and resenting them more until they decide enough's enough. I've ended a 3 year friendship with a best girl friend because of one thing she did. That wasn't the only thing she did, but I would have put up with the other stuff because I always had the belief respect was there. This one thing she did I could have gotten over, but added to all the other stuff which only mattered if respect wasn't there, that was way too much. I had to end it and I didn't bother telling her, because I knew her so well, I knew she wouldn't and couldn't change. You see, respect was my button. I put up with everything, but once the most important thing that held it all together was gone/very doubtful, there was no hope of comeback. I know you're not over the moon about him saying this, but you've been given a chance to put it right if you like him enough. I know you said you don't think it's what you say/do to him when you tit for tat tease, but maybe he was pretending not to be bugged by it before, or maybe he just can't take it himself, or he doesn't like the way you do it. We Men are supposed to be strong, but these things still bug us and we are more sensitive to what people say the more we care about them. The only other possibility is he's lieing about this being an issue and is making up reasons to end it because he wants to end it for a reason. I do believe that it's more likely he was not lieing because this kind of thing happens a lot, and he doesn't sound like a player.

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Answer 3

Maybe it's just the stress of always being the carer that is getting to him. It's not hard watching a loved one suffer when you feel like you can't do anything to make them better.
Is there something you could do for him to show him that you are grateful for him and appreciate the kindness he has shown you?
I don't know how much pain you are in, but it could be something simple like calling in a request to the radio station he listens to, or cook him a nice meal and give him a bath and massage?
It would help him relax and then it could easily turn into an opportunity to talk about how you and him are feeling and how well you think you are both coping with things at the moment.

Answer 4

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Answer 5

Megan, not all men are like that. I am sure he is stressed or tense over the whole issue. ignore the bad times--I know you are hurting but he probably is horny---pardon the expression. He feels ignored and second rate--even though that is NOT your intention. Communicate to him at a porper time--tell him you appreciate the tenderness but understand his ego. tell himyou are working at getting better but the rage is uncalled for and not appreciated. You did not ask to be sick. It is life and millions of couples are dealing with illnesses of some kind. You have enough without having to stress over his outbursts. tell him that you love him and pray that you will be better real soon. I wish you a speedy recovery and a happy solution to all this

Answer 6

I think I can understand, but not to your extent because I am not dealing with a major health issue as you are, and I am very sorry to hear by the way, but my husband tends to get this way as well because in the course of our marriage I have had several medical problems and recently we had a big and I mean BIG blowout over all of this and fought forever and he started screaming at me that "I have been sick since we've been married, he wants me to be healthy, he's tired of me always having something wrong. He doesn't want to see me go through anymore and he cant deal with it" but there it was.. naked truth.. out there with a few choice words that I left out, but I felt lost and alone, almost like by being sick and having these surgeries, I somehow did something wrong, what happened to unconditional love? I wouldn't dream of being mean to him in this situation, and I told him that too. I told him exactly how I felt about the way he way being, and I asked him to be honest to me, about why he thinks he gets so frustrated and mean to me. They just want their wives back, they dont want us to suffer, we always assume they are up to something bad but really he's just scared and wants you to feel healthy again.

Answer 7

Men don't act that way. Men who may have Borderline Personality Disorder do.

Google the disorder or look up the book "I Hate You - Don't Leave Me" and see if you see your husband described. If you do, seek info on how to cope with this type of personality.

I could be wrong, but that is exactly what it sounds like.

Good luck with your health and your marriage.

Answer 8

man kind caring minute nasty

Answer 9

It is possible he just can't handle the stress of dealing with your illness, stressed out people sometimes lash out at others, including the ones they love.

Maybe some sort of counselling could help.

Answer 10

HIs behaviour is abusive. Is he like this even when you aren't sick? You need to stand up for yourself and tell him not to treat you this way. i like the answer about the personality disorder - I would check that out. If his behaviour continues, seek counselling. Good luck