How would you feel if your spouse took your kids to meet his mistress?

Question

We are married, but getting divorced due to his cheating on me with a nurse at work. He picked the kids up saying he wanted to spend time with them. He actually took them on an outing with his mistress and her children. Her children actually were told that MY husband is ALREADY divorced even though when he did this, it wasn't even filed yet. I went completely nuts. He flaunted his affair, adultery, not to mention the kids feelings being pushed to meet this woman by their dad when he was living at home just a couple weeks earlier and is married to their mother! I haven't allowed him to take the girls since. I am still infuriated at the sheer gall! I told him if he wanted to visit them, he was to come here and sit with them downstairs. He hasn't seen them since. I don't want my kids hurt by missing their dad but I also don't want his utter lack of morality and disgusting behavior being shoved in their faces. Has anyone faced this? Any advice????

Answer 1

You may not think that you are using your kids, but you are. Your husband obviosly feels very strongly about this other woman for him to want his children included in their lives. Your marriage is over....he fell in love with someone else. You may consider what he did immoral, but whats done is done. Dont let the kids pay for the anger, humilations and hurt you are feeling about what your husband did. Your children are the innocents in all of this. What you are doing is making them have to choose because of something YOU consider is wrong. Kids are very resiliant, and will only harbour resentment for their father if you make them take sides. This is between you and your husband.....work it out between the two of you. Be as angry as hell with him, but dont include your kids in this mess. Your kids happiness should be your main priority. Allow them to know you are hurting, but dont force them to take sides. Your husband was in the wrong for doing what he did, but you are in the wrong for making your kids choose based on your own sense of what is right and what is wrong. Allow them to decide if they want to spend time with their father, even if it is with this other woman.....dont you decide that for them.

Answer 2

yes my husband did a similiar thing to me. We were still married and had just moved out. Be glad he is gone it's hard to hear now but one day you will be Anyways i know that feeling i was so pissed. I think he did it on purpose to hurt you because children talk. he is childish and so is she for agreeing she just wanted to look good to him. anyways i would try to get supervised visits when you go to court i brought the police records of both my husband and mistress to court and he still got unsupervise but he stopped seeing his daughter anyway thankGod because he wasn't the dad or person i thought he was. And don't for a minute have simpathy for your husband and childrens relationship your husband is using them the way he used you and disreguarding what this could do to them i advise get a lawyer i didn't have one rake and scrape whatever you have to do show his true character as much as possible to keep the visits supervised or move away tell them you can't afford visits and he has to pay transportation knowing he cheated the judge will help you in this way the judge did for me. Getting supevised visits is hard but he will grant this. This is beside the point but is 100 percent true even though you go forward with your life he will get his. He will reep what he has sowed and so will she. But anyways thanked the Lord you now have a chance to be happy with someone els not tied to him she got the boobi prize Godbless you and your kids i will pray 4 you!

Answer 3

I would sit down w/ your soon to be ex and have a serious discussion w/ him regarding your kids and what your expectations of them are. You need to have some very clear cut guidelines.
One of these being that he CAN see his kids, but is absolutely NOT allowed to take them to see the mistress. As this will send serious mixed messages to your children. If he can't respect your wishes, then I can understand why you wouldn't want him to see your kids outside of your home. It's not fair to your children, because they may not understand what is going on w/ the two of you. I am sure this is extremely painful and difficult for you as well.
Another thing I would consider is getting yourself some counseling to better assist you in dealing w/ this.
He can do what he wants (which sucks) but tell him to leave your children out of it.

Answer 4

Bad judgment, but if you're split up saying you're divorced may be an easier concept for the kids to grasp. They'll meet her, or someone else, at some point. Don't blow it out of proportion. They're not doing the deed in front of the kids are they?

Answer 5

You know....it's sad but, you can't do anything in retaliation and come out the winner. Please remember the law looks at "you and husband" as being the parents...saying "my kids" is in effect denouncing his right as a parent. The children are his as well Visiting...is NOT unlawful... It does not matter whom the visitations include.. Inappropriate behavior ("drinking", "fondling his mistress" or any unlawful participation from him in the presence of the children has it's "merit" to some degree in the courts!) Unless the children would testify against there dad as to the behavior witnessed by them...and IF the claims are deemed by the judge submissive... Then... these weights "may" be placed on the scale of justice against him! Your husband having the children ( part time ) indicates he is responsible to make decisions . The truth is "justice is blind" facts, evidence, WILL be the deciding factor. Should it be me, "you asked" ..."What would I do"? Of course ... if it were my wife, I would let her go! And my reasons would be "she betrayed our wedding vows" #1 #2 I certainly would NOT be " willing to "SHARE" regardless of the love I have for her! It hurts you, because you have loved this man for fifteen years let him go through the system of the courts! You may be surprised as to the outcome, this can be YOUR getting back! JR

Answer 6

You have every right to feel the way you do. If your children feel uncomfortable and confused about being around his girlfriend, you have every right to ask him to visit the children at your home. However, if they are okay with everything, you should let them see him.

HE needs to start thinking about HIS children, not his girlfriends. No matter what their ages are, he is definitely rushing into things with this woman and dragging his children along with him.

His relationship with this woman is off to a bad start already. It is based on lies, with the cheating and lying to her children. It isn't a good or healthy relationship and your children do not need to be exposed to it. He needs a reality check. He needs to be a father first and a scum bag second (sorry, I hate cheaters).

The good news is, his relationship to the mistress is doomed. First it is built on lies and infidelity and second, if he will cheat with her - he will cheat on her. He should not be introducing his children to every bimbo he chooses to hop into bed with.

Ask him to go to family counselling so you can learn to co parent and help the children with the divorce. Also, call a lawyer, it sounds like you will need a good one.

Remember not to drag your children into the middle of your fights with your ex. Frankly, he's lucky he's still in one piece!

Answer 7

I would want to kill him, but seriously, you have to be civil. I would talk to him calmly about how disrespectful it was, and that he should have the decency to not do things like that, for the kids sake, atleast until the divorce is final. Setting that kind of example can truly do harm to their long term concepts of what marriage, relationships, and fidelity are all about-which will lead to difficulty for them later on in life. The harm is already done, so ask him to concentrate on not scarring his children more than they are already by pretending that doing things like this are okay.

Answer 8

I think it's time to talk with the ex... He needs to make some guidelines for "himself" so the kids are protected.

Is he planning to marry? Is he planning to date? Is he comfortable with dragging his kids through bonding and breaking up with as many women as he decides to? Children are very 'at cause' in their own minds, and the bonding/separation dance of dating can be interpreted as a subtle form of rejection to them. You can expose the ex to the effect that his lifestyle can have on the children. These are things he needs to think about as a parent.

You, on the other hand, are expressing a desparate need to punish (understandable, yet unheatlhy for you and your loved ones). It would be a shame if your RESPONSE to his love life could be more damaging to the kids than his actual love life.

If the kids are your primary concern, get some counseling and learn how to best 'prepare' your children to love themselves through the estrangement of their dad. He is one half of them.

Live well~

Answer 9

I would be mad as hell you can have it put in your divorce that the kid are not to meet or be around any one he dates until he marrys someone. this way the kids dont have to see the way there dad it acting.

Answer 10

I would feel like I was about to have a "Lorraina Bobbit" moment!!!....only after I cut if off, I wouldn't throw it out the car window, I'd feed it to him with a fork!!