uhappy marriage?

Question

We married since 6 years ago. I married her thought she is kind and she need somone to help her to change. I did everything possible to help her start loosing weight - she refused- helping her getting a job- refused with the excuse that if she found a job and work I will leave her- I even tried to help her get back on track and get her college degree she kept dealying untill just last year finally started school. Day to day life she does not have a schedule sleeping all day no weekend to spend togther because she spend all night reading or plying video games. our girls stay late till 3 am dirty kitchen , laundry every were on the floor. I am the only one who work and finance all her expenses and toyes. I am feeling I waiting for something will never come talked to her 1000 times nothing changed. she went to doctors once to see if she is depressed and did not want to continue because he basically told her same thing i was telling her for the last few years. be active, ... i gave up

oh and she is not into making love with the excuse she can not get horney anymore . yes she would let me have sex but is like .... u know what i mean. i started hating my life but i am staying for my daughter only

I am not running away and my tail is between my legs if this was the case i would not spend 6 years with her and will cheat on her like many people but she is simply refuses the change thinks if she became independent i will leave her she actually thinks as long as i am the only provider i will stay with her

I did not say I love her because I love her but it is diffrent kind of love is more like care for her and what would she do without me if i left. but I do not love her as woman anymore

Answer 1

In people, as in computer lingo, WYSIWYG.
What you see is what you get. People do not change. If you want to marry someone "to help them change", you have made a big mistake.
If you do not like what you see, leave.

Answer 2

A spouse is supposed to love, honor, and cherish their mate. I've never heard that remolding a person into what YOU think they'd be better off as is part of what marriage is. You aren't supposed to marry, and then start recreating your mate. All those faults you mentioned- did she have them before you married? If so, you knew who and what you were marrying. Deciding that she is your own personal renovation project is being a control junkie in the worst sense. If you don't want to love a person, with all their good and bad qualities, then only marry a perfect person. You say you don't love her as a woman, it's more of a care for her thing. Sounds like an owner bitching about their new puppy, rather than a mate speaking of their spouse. It not surprising she acts depressed.

Answer 3

The truth is you can't change anyone no matter how hard you try and how much you want to help them. People change because they want to or don't change because they think their normal. Besides you should never try to change anyone it makes them who they are. Image if you could change a person the world would be full of clones. We don't need to duplicate the bad people perhaps good people like yourself. I hate to say you should get a divorce because you should always try and stick the marriage out for the kids because divorce can be very hard on them as well as yourself but the truth is kids are observant and sooner or later their going to be able to see that your unhappy. The other thing is they need parental guidance's and your wife doesn't seem to be doing that. Young kids should not be going to bed at 3 am. Try couple counseling and talk to your wife and try to work it out but the minute she gives up or refuse to try that's the time to get your stuff and go. It's not a marriage if it's just you. If she loves you she will try. Best of luck.

Answer 4

Explain how you really feel towards your wife and see what she has to stay about it if that does not work try a counselor and just hang in there for your girls.Now with your girls is a totally different question they are not apart of your marriage they are your children and you need to demonstrate discipline there is no reason they are going to sleep at 3am. no matter what age if they are 10 and up they should have some sort of chores and a schedule and by that age they should know how to pick up behind themselves.So again try to work it out and do stuff with her maybe she need that little support from you again I wish you well!!!

Answer 5

In this whole thing you never once said that you loved her. You said you married her because you thought she was kind and she needed help. Marriage of convienence is what it sounds like. Now, it seems to be just convienent for her. Your daughter stays up till 3 a.m.? Where are you at three in the morning??? Are you in the house? If so, you can make your daughter go to bed. Seems like you two might be having some kind of power struggle, someone either needs to give in or get out.

Answer 6

It definantly sounds like a difficult situation, I can understand how things may feel really frustrating. If you want to be with her, it requires not giving up. Her activity sounds like she got herself into a routine she is afraid of getting out of. But dont let be an advantage to her, to do nothing. Relationships are equal partnerships what you give, she should give equally or as much as she can. If you're unhappy, and have expressed your feelings towards her, Seek martial counciling, Alot of people do, before and during marriage. It's good to have someone else being the' bad' guy. Someone telling her what she should be doing or trying.
But don tbe negative about it, dont push her to where's she's uncomfortable, or feels like she's doing it, just so you will stay.
She has to do it because she loves you enough to put her efforts into the relationship as well, and to make your life easier. Pushing someone to do things will only make them feel pressured, or feel like they are a slave, rather than doing their part.

If you express that you are tired out, that you are burnt out and cant do it much longer, express that she could help, and make you feel alot better, and in turn helping herself.

Once she gets into a routine, and feels like she's doing her part, she will have alot more to be proud of, and she will feel like you need her, and you wont leave because you're doing something that helps your relationship, and your future.

It's always good to getout, it builds up self confidence, urge her to give it a try... and tell her how proud you are, and how great it is that she's trying.... make her feel loved, the moer she does, the more you should express happiness towards the relationship.

if you feel, that there's nothing you can do, seek a counciler as soon as possible, dont let things get to far.

Answer 7

First of all, QUIT BLAMING YOURSELF!!! You've gone above and beyond. You can't do anymore. SHE is the one who must have a desire to change. Until she changes, nothing is going to change in your marriage.

On the other hand, you're making things WAY too easy for her to remain the same. Therefore, nothing is going to change in your household, unless some further steps are made toward seeing whether or not she is willing to change.

You're the man/provider of the house. But be firm without being abusive and explain to her things must change immediately, or your marriage will end in divorce. That crap line she keeps giving you about if she becomes independent you'll leave her - that's ridiculous - she's playing mind games with you.

Marriage is supposed to be 50/50, and it sounds like its all 99/1 with you providing the 99.

As far as children are concerned, if she has children and you have children together, you let her handle her children, and you handle the ones that belong to you.

If your children are younger, you can put a stop to that staying up to 3 a.m. crap, or if they are older, move the tv to their bedroom so it won't disturb your trying to sleep - since it sounds that you are the sole provider in the household.

Keep in mind your children have seen your wife manipulate you, they have learned how to manipulate you, and will use the same tricks your wife has to get their way.

Write separate lists of pros and cons - just for yourself. It always helps me to see things on paper. List what you like and dislike about your household, your wife, your children.

Begin by setting small attainable goals and use reverse psychology when presenting them to your wife/children.

Go to counseling - alone. Sometimes just having someone to talk to who can listen and offer an objective opinion does one a world of good.

I have experienced a similar circumstance. I've tried to learn to keep my mouth shut and learn ways of dealing with things. When I come home from work and my husband's children have trashed the house, I no longer clean it up. That frustration caused too many problems in our household, and nothing has changed, nothing will change, and he will always take up for them. The trick I've used is to make sure I work longer in the afternoons and my husband gets home before I do so he can actually see the mess his kids have made. He now cleans behind them, I don't.

A suggestion on that part of your question - wash your own clothes. Clean your own dishes. Cook your own meals - or eat out (alone) if you can afford to. Tend to your daughter only.

If she has kids, let her tend to them.

If your daughter is old enough, take her places - just the two of you - a park, a shopping mall (you don't have to buy anything) just spend time with your daughter. Let her know - gently - what you expect of her, and if she abides by that then reward her once a month with something that she's asked to do or wants.

Save as much money as you can. If your parents are living, give them cash for them to open an account for you so if you do get a divorce, she can't touch that money as it won't be in your name.

I wish the best for you...you're in a tough situation, but you CAN be strong enough to overcome this!

Answer 8

Actually it sounded quite serious to me, I suggest you get some counsellors instead to talk to her. Maybe invite some counsellors to your house will be a better idea. They certainly are well trained and have experience in this area. Do it fast, before you get really really tired.

You may want to read some books on marriage and recommend it to her a well since she like to read at night.

Answer 9

You are a loser. You knew what you were getting into. You are just like the women who marry and think that they are so wonderful, that the person would change.

You should be helping her with her struggles rather than running away with your tail between your legs.

Answer 10

At least she should keep the house clean and make good meals. She need to independent no matter married or not