Can the relationship be salvaged?

Question

We've been together 16 years, married 13+, no kids. Just last year he met somebody online and now thinks he needs to be with her. She lives accross the country, with her mother and has 3 teenagers.
We're broke and have no $$ for him to move.
To top it all off, unexplicably I am still very much in love with him.
He left me about a month ago and is living with his parents, enjoying no responsibilities other than to text message his girlfriend until his fingers bleed.
I'm trying to be friends, but am finding it difficult not to try and change his mind.
HELP!!

Answer 1

I dont think loving someone makes you whole, as a matter of fact when you love someone and he doesnt love you back, it kinda makes you feel horrible......it makes you feel like you are not a desirable woman........it makes you feel all sorts of negative feelings. You need to have a little bit of self respect. You need to know that you deserve better than being the "other woman". You may be his wife, but his thoughts and feelings are with someone else. Sure, any relationship can be salvaged, but he has to want it too, otherwise you are banging your head against a brick wall.

He has got to want to come back and work it out with you. If you push him to come back, if you use emotional blackmail and make him feel bad and he does come back, you would feel even worse because you would know that he doesnt really want to be there and that would be devestating for your self esteem. You would be wondering all the time where his mind is at. You would be wondering if he is comparing you to here. A lot of work needs to be done to bring this marriage back together, but the bottom line is that he has got to want it too......only then will your marriage stand a chance of working.

No man likes a snivelling woman who cries and chases after them....dont do that to yourself. As much as you love him, this is the time to start working on how you are going to cope without him. You have to get it into your head that the marriage is over....he is in love with someone else. Maybe when you change the way you are thinking, you will appear more attractive to your husband, and maybe he will decide on his own to give the marriage another chance. You cant make him fall back in love with you, but you can start to love yourself a bit more and try to pick up the pieces and start to move on.

Maybe you need some counselling to try to help you move on. Its a horrible thing that is happening to you. There is life after divorce.....Ive been theree......I thought I could never love another man. With time, things change. It's not a cliche, its true. I am living proof that you can come out of this a strong, independent and attractive woman. Right now though, you are in the process of grieiving and I can imagine you wouldnt be seeing much light at the end of the tunnel. You really have to start changing the way you are thinking. Tell yourself it is over, then start the grieving process. Maybe you husband will come to his senses, but he is more liable to do that if he sees you moving on with your life. Put on a brave face, call him all the bastardo's under the sun. Put the blame where it belongs and stop being so nice. He betrayed you badly and you have every right to be angry. Get angry and want more for yourself. You are a very important person and you deserve a man who will love you like you deserve. Dont be the "other" woman any more.

One more thing.....I had been divorced for about 4 years and my ex wanted to come back. Do you know what? I didnt want him. I had grieved, I had moved on....I no longer loved him....I didnt hate him either....I felt nothing. I really did move on. I place a lot more importance on myself and realised I was better than him. I now am involved with the man of my dreams.....we will grow old together and I thank my ex for doing what he did to enable me to find a man who trully loved me.

Take care

Answer 2

16 years is a long time. A lot of history together. Ask your self are you really in love with him? or is it a 16 year habit? Why would you want him back after this? Stand up and don't be weak. Has he ever met his on line love? He moves in with mommy and daddy. Sounds like no responsibilities and he is enjoying his life with out you.If for some reason the woman rejects him in the future. He may try to get you back. My advice go on with your life. It may be hard at first. Down the road you will realize you made the Right decision. Remember men and woman like a challenge not a door mat...

Answer 3

read "Rebuilding" ( When Your Relationship Ends) by Fisher. He's a loser in midlife crisis. He's immature and untrustworthy.

You need to get into counseling to deal with this, and join saparation support groups in a church of some other place.



Even if you say you love him still, it is because you are confused. Anger will eventually surface, and that's part of the letting go cycle. Do NOT replace him with anyone else at this time. Men could tell you wonderful things, but it could easily be just to score. You don;t need sex. You need to find out who you are.

Also, do The Forum, offered by The Landmark Education Corporation. Google this. It's a life saver.

Answer 4

dont try to change him. If you still love him you need to wait out his straying.
I konw a couple who after nine years of divorce, remarried each other for the second time. I also have a cousin that him and his wife divorced once and got back together again.

You must keep the faith, beleive in what you see and not what others see.

Answer 5

You poor person.. I instinctively want to hurl abuse his way.. But this maybe a mid life crisis. I have played sucker to this in relationship that was not as long as yours. Its so hard. Love really does make you do all the things you shouldnt in this situation. Maybe cutting off will give him the shock he needs, ie to make him realise what he has/might lose. Trust me your years of marriage will not be forgotten and if he wants to come back he will try no matter what you do I think. Wish I coudl take my own advice! Best of luck, you dont deserve it.

Answer 6

Oh, honey...you have some serious surprises in store for you. And you are going to love all of them! He has NO idea who he has been writing to...it could even be a man behind the keyboard. IT is so easy to become romantic at the keyboard, for there is no one be embarrassed by...we can pour our hearts out, our inner most secrets, desires, etc. BUT reality is a very different matter. He has reality with you, and virtual with her..virtual is so much easier...no one to feed, no one to hear going to the bathroom....you get my drift. And he is broke! Honey, if he is broke, why in the world would you care about what he does...love is nice, but diamonds are a girl's best friend..bet on it...and now you see why! There will come a day when he will meet the woman of his "dreams" in person, be with her about 2 weeks, and come crying at your doorstep begging you to forgive his stupidity, begging you to take him back...AND as for her, she will be kicking his butt out the door, for NO ONE can live up to our written hopes and dreams...it is sheer nonsense that we write, nothing to do with reality. When reality sets in, you are going to be in the driver's seat, and I would hope that you drive past the intersection that is marked, "Ex Hubby." You deserve far better than a broke, stupid idiot who can type. Go for it.

Answer 7

Oh my gosh ...please let that other women have him ...if hes willing to give you and him up so easily for someone women that he doesnt even know ....what does that tell you about how he feels about you?
Let him live in his mommys and daddys house and think about that women that lives 1000 miles away and you get on with you life find a normal decent GROWN up and move on.
I know theres a lot of years there ...but if hes done it once he'll do it again as the old saying goes.

Answer 8

Why do you want to stay with someone that doesnt want to be with you. He would only resent you if you get back together. Be thankful there arent children involved and as hard as it is to do, stop all contact with him and move on. Good Luck.

Answer 9

Let him go. He has been talking to her for a year. He is already gone...not just physically but emotionally. I know it is difficult as I am preparing for a divorce myself. But sweetie...LOVE alone is not enough to sustain a marriage. YOU CAN DO better. You deserve better.

Answer 10

Believe me....He does not deserve you. Remember this, what starts bad.... ends bad..... (He won't end up with her). God is just pushing him out of your life to make room for something better and to eliminate the "mess" from your life. It's hard but you will heal in time.