Who got jokes?

Question

Whoever gots the best joke gets my vote. No rules. Except dont make them too long.

Answer 1

A man walks in his house with a duck under his arm, his wife is sitting on the couch. The man says "This is the pig I f**k". The wife says "Honey, thats a duck". The man says "I wasn't talking to you".

Answer 2

1. why do dogs lick themselves in that rather special place?
a) because they can and b) they know theyre going to lick you in the face as soon as possible

2. two tv antennae got married. the wedding sucked but the reception was excellent

3. a duck walks into a drugstore, gets some chapstick and tells the clerk to put it on his bill.
4. a horse walks into a bar and the bartender says"why the long face"
5. a guy walking down the street sees a ladder. beside the ladder is a sign that read "Climb the ladder to success" so the guy climbs the ladder. when he reaches the top a man sticks his head out a window and says "Hi, I'm Sess"

Answer 3

Today someone told me that my wife was irreplaceable... ...I think a few pornos and a dishwasher might beg to differ. I broke into an ice cream van last night. I got away with hundreds and thousands. I went out for a vindaloo last night and my **** is really sore today. I can't believe some of the things I do for a free curry. soz 4 ownt My wife came home from work crying yesterday and asked me to console her. So I hit her over the head with my Xbox.

Answer 4

Here's some:

-Yo mama so fat when she dances the band skips.

-What time is it at Michael Jacksons house? When the big hand touches the little hand.(bad one,huh?)

-He's so bald,when he stepped into the shower he got brainwashed.

-Yo Mama so fat she put mayonaise on asprin.

-Q.How do you drown a blonde? A.Put a scratch & sniff sticker at the bottom of the pool.

-You're so dumb,you put a quarter in the parking meter expecting some gum to fall out.

and the final one..for now:
Word of advice: Never play leapfrog with a unicorn.

Answer 5

ok once there was this girl who loved to were skirts. one day she met a man that gave looly pops to people who climbed up a tree. one day her mom fouund al her loolly pops and asked her were she got them from.the litle girl explaind and the om said honey there just trying to get a good look at ur panties. so the next day the liitle girl walks in with a whole bunch of lolies. the om says didnt i tell u to stop climbing that tree. and the liitle girl says yes but im not waring any panties todaY!

Answer 6

Two old ladies walking down the street..one says to the other..Do you smell something burning..other one says Yeah...you think I'm walking too fast

Answer 7

A boy goes to the drug store with his dad and sees the condom display.
Boy: "Dad, why do they do packs of one condom?"

Dad: "Those are for the high-schoolers for Friday nights."

Boy: "So, why do they make packs of three?"

Dad: "For the college guys for Friday, Saturday and Sunday nights."

Boy: "Then why do they make packs of 12?"

Dad: "Those are for married couples -- you know, January, February, March."

Answer 8

Jesus walks into a hotel. He hands the innkeeper 3 nails and asks "Could you put me up for the night?"

Answer 9

Most people say "oh chit" when in an accident. A redneck says " hold my beer and watch this chit".

Answer 10

My sister came home and her left tit was hanging out - I said Debbie your left tit is hanging out! - she said Oh my god, I left the baby on the bus ...