Is my boyfriend being treated unfairly over the money he gives his ex-wife?

Question

My boyfriend was wanting to get a divorce from his first ex-wife then she decided to get pregnant, so they divorced after it was born. Anyways, he gets the kid 12-15 days a month (50% of the time). The kid has its room (which she doesn't use b/c she sleeps with my BF) and a bike and everything. Clothes and food provided to her . He also pays the mother $250 month plus copays. But she calls him asking for more and more money every week for something. The kid is in a lot of activities that requires money. The mother is poor, but spends money like it is growing on trees and feels that my BF should pay for half everything, but he already has with the $250/month. He has the kid in his care as much as she does so I don't think she needs to be complaining and be happy and not bother him in this way. I just feel like she has it to easy because the mother has the kid half the time and gets $250 and still wanting more. She only has the kid maybe 4 more days than he does. Is this really fair?

I don't understand why this wouldn't be any of my buisness. This involves a man that I plan to be with for the rest of my life and marry. If I have to help pay for things and have her stay at my house if we get married you damn straight it's my buisness. I ain't coming last in my own house hold. The mother should be happy my BF wants the "child" in his life and is there for support....she shouldn't ask for more cash money because that's all that really matters when it comes to these things right?

Answer 1

No, seems like he's getting off kinda easy if you ask me. If the mother is paying for school stuff, food half the time, room, clothes, expenses and activities, that's only $3000 a year!

That's a deal!

So, the mother was able to "get pregnant" after he decided to divorce her?

What, did she collect some of his seed and freeze it....or did he "contribute" it willingly? Take some personal responsibility PLEASE...or have him take responsibility for his offspring is more like it.

If the Mom ask for money, and she's kicking in her half, he and you have nothing to complain about.

Also, you need to think long and hard about saddling yourself with his baggage for the rest of your life....if you willingly do this then you need to shut up and accept it, not complain. You accept it and move on. Any other way leads to unhappyiness.

Good luck and God Bless.

Answer 2

It's hard to judge how other people spend money. If someone looked at how you and your bf spend money, would there be anything they could say? I'll bet there would be plenty of 'Do you really need that?' and 'Why did you buy that?' comments.
I think raising a child is difficult enough with both parents in the home. When they are split up, the costs for everything double. As you can see, his daughter has a bike at your house. Well, she has a bike at home, too.
These are the things that come with an ex and a child, when you are the new woman in his life. You are better off being cooperative rather than conflicting. Money is a common issue but there will be more difficult issues, potentially, as time goes on. The more you can get along with the ex, the better.
Frankly, I don't think $250 a month is all that much. I know it sounds like a lot but if you were experiencing raising a child on your own (he does get the kid half-time as you say but mother sounds like home base in this case), you'd probably ask for more also.
Yes, it's your business. But how you handle it will affect your relationship for years to come so it is to your benefit to tread carefully.

Answer 3

In your question I feel your need to get more from your bf than you are getting and a deeper sense that either his wife or his child is somehow taking away from you what you and your bf should be able to enjoy together financially. You don't trust his ex about handling the money she is receiving for the child. You also feel that since he is with the child about half the time and contributing in that time, that the ex should not be asking for anything more. And all of these feelings and fears are coming from a young woman who is in love but has never been through this kind of situation before. It sounds a little overwhelming for you but you sound like you really want to hold on to your bf.

But you do sound detached from his emotional situation. Just referring to his child as "it" sends a strong message that this child is a non-entity to you. In fact, probably a threat. This child threatens the financial security you want with your bf as you move forward with him...and you envision that as marriage.

Your assessment of what the child has "a bike and everything" makes me wonder what you think "everything" is. Clothing and food are basics, not a gift. $250 a month is a pittance. A pittance. My grocery bill today for just two people was $198, and that will in no way get us through two weeks, let alone a month. I don't buy junk but I am not extravagant.

I don't know how old the child is, so I can't assess her extracurricular activity costs. Sorry I can't help on that one, except to say that one or two activities, whether sports, music, performing arts during the year can help with socialization, self-confidence and developmental skills. Unless it's excessive, I see no reason a child shouldn't have one or two extra activities beyond school.

I think you need to seriously deal with whether you can accept this situation...long-term. You even need to consider if this ex will go back to court and ask for more as cost of living increases and she finds $250/month is just not cutting it...even more than now. She can do that. Did you know that?

Your bf's first priority is his child, whether he, or you, likes it. And a court will decide in that way in most cases. He can go along with what his ex asks for, within reason, or he can refuse and risk going to court. he could end up paying her more for child support.

My only remaining thought is, is this woman working? Can she work? If not why isn't she working? This might be worth exploring. Not to short-change the child, but to ensure the mother is truly doing her share while still ensuring good care for her child.

And you, dear woman, you must accept this is the relationship and situation you have emotionally bought into. If you don't like it, I suggest you get out. This will not play out until the child is at least 18.

Good luck, and I hope I have not hurt your feelings. I do feel your angst, your anger, your frustration, your fear. It's all valid. You have a right to your feelings. But you cannot change this situation. It is what it is.

Answer 4

I disagree with a lot of folks here on answers.
If you are in a serious relationship and plan on getting married to this man then yes this is your "business" . You are going to be a family and yes this other woman will also remain in the picture for life because she is the natural mother of this child. Please think about this before you say I do. It will be a life long commitment and there will be many issues you will have to deal with over that long period of time. I speak from experience.
From your letter it doesn't sound like this is a court ordered agreement. If your BF was to go to court he would be libel to pay child support for one child in the amount of 17% of his gross salary. Other determinations would be made by the judge.

I think he should consult an attorney about this matter and come to an amicable solution with the child's mom. A fair distribution would be something like this :
Dad pays reasonable child support and if he has medical insurance he should have the child on his medical ( unless mom has better coverage) Co-pays are paid by the insuring parent. Abnormal expenses such as hospitalization which could incur a large bill ( after insurance) could be split 50-50.
Dental work ( if not covered ) the same arrangement.
Both parents need to remember IF they were still together they would both be sharing the responsibility of paying for this child anyway.

Answer 5

The other people are right. This ISN'T your business. This is family business - a family that you're NOT a part of. No matter how he tells it to you now, the ex didn't "decide to get pregnant" or "get herself pregnant." HE got her pregnant. If he wanted a divorce so bad, he wouldn't have been having sex with her at all, much less unprotected sex.

Either way, he is a father and this woman will be in his life for the rest of his child's life. So you need to learn to separate yourself from his issues. $250 a month is NOTHING when it comes to the cost of raising a child. And your statement that "the mother should be happy my BF wants the "child" in his life and is there for support...." is appalling. That's HIS CHILD and you need to learn to respect the power of that relationship. If he didn't take responsibility for him or her, he'd just be another deadbeat dad, of which the world has plenty.

Grow up a little. You're not in competition with the ex or the child. And you're not going to dictate how he supports his children, any more than he should dictate how you might support a parent or sibling in their time of need. Blood comes first. Always. So leave him to make his own decisions and keep your attitude of jealousy to yourself, or you'll find yourself the ex-girlfriend in short order.

Good luck.

Answer 6

Have you had a conversation with your boyfriend about these issues. Better get it straight before you even think about getting married.
Support is usually determined by the child support enforcement division (unless they have a court settlement). If for some reason it is a court agreement maybe you need to get child support enforcement involved. Then it is taken into account how often she is with him, what he pays for(co-pays), the amount each parent earns a year, etc. Then whatever they say is the amount to be paid is fair and you will just have to accept that (warning: he may end up paying more if he makes a lot more than she does).
As far as money for activities - there should be a discussion as to what activities that the parents/daughter feel are important. She doesn't need to be in everything. What everybody thinks she should be in should be paid for 50/50. If she wants to be in something and dad says yes but mom says no then dad should pay and vise versa.
Since she resides with your boyfriend 50 percent of the time and has her own room she should have her own clothes for her time with him. Mom should not be bothering him for money for clothes or other things of that nature.
She gets child support so that should help with the food, housing, etc. for when the child is with her.

Answer 7

Are you serious? No the mother should not be happy with the fact that your "BF" chooses to be a part of his child's life. It shouldn't even be a choice because he laid down and helped create her. With that came the responsibility of taking care of his daughter. You obviously don't have any children because if you did then you would know that it takes a lot more then $250 a month to fully take care of her. That barely covers the food let alone the 3 million other things she needs to buy. I can't wait till you have his baby and he leaves you and only pays you $250 a month, then you'll understand what she's going through until then stay out of it.

Answer 8

I agree that this is non of your business. They are a family, a family split but still a family. Until you are offically married to your boyfriend you have no say in the matter
I am also concerned you refer to his child as an "it" and "child" and not he or she.
Secondly children are exspensive and i doubt you know the ins and outs of what is needed for his daughter and how they are dividing up the costs. 250 is nothing a month and maybe the mother is paying for all the medical cost and other activities their daughter is in.
Like i said stay out of it for now. And keep in mind that is daughter will always be number one, not you. Do you really want to be in that situation when its not your child and there are already these problems you are facing? His daughter must have a good relationship with her mother and you making the situation difficult will not be healthy
Just my two cents
Children always come first, money and time wise.

Answer 9

You need to discuss this with him. If he didn't want to give her money her wouldn't. A child that has three people involved in it's life should count it's blessings. If you are going to be getting married, you should consider which bills he will be in charge of and which you will be in charge of. If he wants to allow more of his money to be used, discuss it. Also you should explain that you are a little jealous over his sleeping arrangements when the child is over. Children have a hard time sleeping alone sometimes or just like the attention they recieve. I am a parent of five. Four children are my ex's. I don't bug him for extra money. I had a job and took care of my family. My ex just started to pay his child support so I quit when my kids needed more of my time due to ADHD. My husband works hard long hours to support us and I use my ex's money to get the kids basics. Food, clothes, and supplies for school, field trips,etc.. When an activity arises my husband and I discuss it first, then ask my ex if he wants to go halfves so he feels involved. If he says no my husband pays for these extra expenses. he doesn't cry about it either. He also had a child from a previous marriage. I never complained. I wanted to spend more on her than he did. lol. Family is important and you don't want to come between them. If you want your relationship with him to last, start making new family rules for the three of you.

Answer 10

No its not fair, but its the reality of people using children to gwt the funds they need. It sounds like you guys are really in love. My concern is how much of the truth is he really giving you. You said that the wife decided to get pregnant, so he did not divorce her, but if he wants to divorce a person, you do not continue having sex with them. Your boyfriend is a part of her pregnancy. As long as they have a child together, she has the right to ask for additonal funds. But , he has the right to say no yo her. The $250. is not alot of money. You said she is poor and has poor spending habits, so this is an issue that will continue to exist. The money and the amount of time spend with the child is to entirely different things. Its up to a Judge to decide how much she can get or should not get.
My best advise to you is to keep your funds seperated. Once you and him get married, keep in mind she can go to court ask for more money, since you will have a combined income.