How do I make my partner realise that his cannabis use is a financial and psychological burden on our family?

Question

When I met my partner 4 years ago, we were both heavy pot users. But due to grow up and maturing a bit, plus a nervous breakdown, I stopped smoking poy over a year ago. My partner is still going strong. He thinks nothing of spending $90-$100 a pop. I had to give him his busfare for the week to get to work and tell him that it has to last as it is all that he can have. He didn't like that, but doesn't seem to understand that if he quit smoking pot we would be much better off. I thought that he would naturally come to the conclusion to give it away, but he hasn't. I do not like him stoned around our children, and I cringe at the thought of him driving our new car that we worked so hard for stoned aswell. I try to talk to him about this and he tells me that I am trying to take away something that he loves. I have resorted to taking out little chunks of bud, so that he doesn't smoke as much. I am at my wits end with this, what do I do?

Answer 1

Be conisistent, if he spends his money, then thats it, dont give him any more money. Dont be so "nice" about it. Talking to him logically doesnt work, so just tell him straight that you hate him using pot and you thought he would be more responsible and mature to not be stoned around the children. Tell him his addiction is ruining your marriage and if he doesnt stop, then it wont be long till he forces you out that door. Ask him is he prepared to lose you?

Maybe when he drives stoned, you can ring the police and tell them anonomously. Maybe he needs to be picked up and taken to court to make him realise that "you taking away something he loves" has greater consequences than the possibility of you leaving him, but also the possibility of jail time. It is like a person who drives while under the influence of alcohol....its downright dangerous. You are worried about him damaging your new car? What about if he killed an innocent person? Something he loves has the potential to get him into serious trouble, he could lose you, lose his kids, but worse than that, he could lose his life or the life or lives of some innocent driver or pedestrian. Him driving stones has the potential for a lot of lives to be ruined, not just his own.

You dont have to be nice about this. You are right, he needs to get off the stuff....its expensive and dangerous. Stand your ground. Maybe start talking to an old boyfriend and when he asks you to stop it, tell him that he is trying to take away something that YOU love. YOU love certain things, so what's good for the goose is good for the gander. If he doesnt consider you or your children's feelings, then why consider his?

Good luck

Answer 2

Try using Allen Carr’s Easyway To Stop Smoking. But don't just buy him the book. Try reading the book together or watching the DVD together.

Just substitute the word THC for nicotine and joint/bong for cigarette. Cannabis smoking is indeed mainly a psychological dependency so the principle is exactly the same as for quitting smoking. Of course smoking pot has a different chemical effect on the brain and body than nicotine does, but virtually all the physical symptoms of withdrawal are manifest of the belief that the smoker is having their "friend" taken away, the feeling of being deprived. But the pot created the craving in the first place. And that craving is mental. He wasn't dependent on it before he started and he can get free.

You can buy the book or watch the DVD. Providing you have an open mind you should be able to re-interpret it with pot as the addictive substance rather than nicotine. It doesn’t have to be traumatic. Smokers make it hard for themselves because they don’t go about it the right way. Check out the website http://www.allencarr.com.au/states/qld to find out more.

Answer 3

Well first of all you're messing with his stash ... that sh*ts f*cked up .. lol .. sorry just kidding ... but it is ... anyway ... sounds like he just needs to compromise ... tell him he only gets to smoke on the weekends and only buy on the weekends ... for starts ... that will get him use to not smoking so much and you can keep him budgeted ... hopefully if he's any bit of reasonable with you and your relationships he'll at least compromise to some type of agreement ... just sit down and lay it on him ( when he's not stoned of course - so it really hits home )

If he does this ... you can talk him down even further until you feel you're financial stable again ... every now & then if you let him splurge ( buy an extra bit here & there ) he'll feel even better .. lol .. but you're still in control ... !

This is something you both enjoyed .. just because you don't enjoy it ( and see how it's hurting you financially - come on bus fair .. ) and he still does - it's kinda not fair .. yeah I sound like a 5 year old but still I can feel his pain .. I'm sure I'll get tons & tons of thumbs down but I'm just showing you a start - instead of leaving his stoned @ss ... I'm sure you love him & don't want to divorce ... so just talk ... no smoking & driving the kids - check ... no smoking & driving the new car - check ... good luck ... !

Hope this works for you ... this is how we saved a ton of money for our wedding coming up ... lol ... !

Answer 4

Well, dear, I see you are not asking to get out of the relationship. You want to find a way to survive being in this relationship.

Ok, so he goes to work and makes a paycheck and he supports your family. That is a good thing.

You'd like to work but the kids are small. See if you can find someone older who watches kids for a little extra income. My mom keeps my cousin's 2 year old just for spending money. Ask around if there is anyone's mom or grandma who would like to keep just one small child.

Contact your local social services and apply for a daycare subsidy, help with infant supplies, medical insurance and a housing subsidy. You're not in the U.S. so I'm not sure what this is called or even if it is available to you where you are.

Let your man know what you need. Tell him weekends when he isn't working you need for him to get up with your daughter at night. When you go to bed remind him that you've been up nights all week and that tonight you need to sleep through.

Tell him smoking and driving is not acceptable. It's illegal, and he has a responsiblilty to his family and other drivers, too.

If his internet use bothers you, let him know. Tell him you don't mind if he gets on for a bit, but after an hour or so it really gets old.

If him leaving with his friends bothers you, ask him to keep it to one night a week, and maybe a night when you both can get out.

I highly recommend a routine of dinner, bath and bed for the kids. (I know the baby is tiny. She'll grow into the routine.) Anytime after 8:30 the house should be quiet.

Try to make sure the dinner meal is a healthy, balanced meal. Proper nutrition cures a host of ills, including depression. You can research nutrition for depression. Just have a healthy dinner. Then maybe he can take the kids for a walk around the block while you do the dishes. Maybe you guys could switch off, and you take the kids and he do the dishes the next night.

Ask your doctor about incorporating a good multi-vitamin for the 3 of you and maybe some iron supplements for you.

Make sure you're napping when the baby sleeps. Sleep deprivation makes everything else harder. Let the housework slide, and get yourself some rest.

Don't bring up the pot. He's voiced his opinion and it's not going to change. If you push it, you will end up fighting, and you will lose. So just let it go for now.

You can, however, let him know what it is he should be doing. Like taking out the garbage, and (I hate the word "helping") carrying his share of the household responsiblities. You can ask nicely, or you can start WWIII. If he doesn't do what you ask, ignore it. He knows he didn't comply with your request.

Try to help him focus more on what he needs TO be doing instead of what he needs Not To be doing.

Bottom line, darlin', is that we don't change other people. We can ask for what we need. Then they can choose to respond or not. And that is what a relationship is based upon. Responses. So, let him know if his response is inappropriate for the relationship you guys are in. You can say, "Well, Bo Bo, I did ask you to take out the garbage and you just ignored me. It's not an appropriate response, when you ignore me." Just a fact. Not judgemental.

Forget having to battle for what you need, it just saps the stregnth, and makes you the b++++.

Change takes time and involves backsliding. See if he indicates that he can meet any of your needs/requests. And give it time.

Get some sleep.

Answer 5

There is nothing you can do. You must realize that he likes to smoke pot even more than being with you. He is what he is and isn't going to change. The fact that you have changed doesn't mean he is required too do so. This is the choice you made when you picked him, if this was a problem then you should have picked someone else.

You only have two choices: accept or leave.

Answer 6

You can not rationalize with a drug user. Pot may not seem like a harmful drug, but as you can see it affects more than just the pot smoker.
You need to take your children and leave. If you don't you should have your children taken away from you. It is illegal! You should be ashamed of yourself for allowing this "man" to use drugs around your children.
Admit you made a mistake and correct it before the law takes your children. If I knew who you were and where you lived I wouldn't think twice about reporting you to CPS.
Grow up some more and do the right thing by your children.

Answer 7

I was in the same damn situation with my daughters dad and in the end I had to put him out. You had your own reasons to stop smoking but untill then life was good right? He hasnt come to that point and you cant make him the best you can do is not support his habit and make it an off limit activity around you. In the end you may have to move on. I know it sucks but that is the reality of the situation but honestly as long as you support him he will keep wasting his money on weed.

Answer 8

Well the simple answer is to move on.

You've grown up and he hasn't.

It's a pity but most drug users are not very good at setting priorities, especially where it concerns personal relationships.

There is no reason for you to feel responsible for his irresponsibility. It doesn't work like that.

There is no reason for you to give in on the point of denying him his enjoyment especially considering that it is such a negative influence upon you and your children. You are the only one concerned about this aspect of the relationship and make darn well sure he understands that. You have to be strong for the sake of your children. They only have you to defend their rights.

Answer 9

He is the only one that can decide he will quit. You have to make him want to. Tell him your working out a budget and want to save for retirement. Make up a report of how much and on what your spending each month. Then show him how much of your annual budget he is smoking up. Tell him that when your kids get older, he can explain to them how he smoked up thier college fund.

Answer 10

My sister is in the same situation and when the pavement hits the road he will choose pot. You will have to be firm with him and lay the cards on the table---it is either you or the pot make a choice, hopefully he chooses you!