How do I deal with my husbands daughters mom?

Question

I recently came up on a way new situation. My husband has a 9 year old from a previous relationship, and hadn't seen his daughter in 4 1/2 years (I still do not know why this is, but did find out the reason he told me was a lie). His daughters mother contacted him recently (conveinently 3 weeks after I gave birth to our second child) and said she needed some paperwork signed, and hence they have come back into his life. The daughter is as sweet as can be, and although it is unusual i have a 9 yr old step daughter ( I am only 25) that isn't the part that bothers me. It is actually the mom, she seems to find reasons to contact my husband almost daily, and I told him I just didn't feel like that much contact is nessacary. The text email talk on the phone....you name it. Is is wrong for me to be asking him not to have so much contact with and ex...even though they do have a daughter together? She also happens to be the one person who completly shattered my husbands heart when they broke up

I feel the need to explain a few things a little better.....i have gotten a lot of mixed answers, and i think some people think the contact is regarding their daughter, but unfortunantly it is not. Let's just say there was an incident with over 120 text messages and 3 phone calls in one day. The mother also feels it nessacarry to make little snid remarks in her emails. My husband insists that because she is married I am making more of the situation than there needs to be, but my intuition tells me otherwise. To the person who said that his first obligation is to them not us, well you are incorrect about that, he made a commitment to me and our family on our wedding day. He does have a commitement to his daughter but not to the mother. She broke that commitment when she left him for someone else years ago.I love my husband but am having a hard time trusting him now because I found out he lied about why he hadn't seen his little girl. I wonder what else has he lied about?

Answer 1

no i think you're right.
tell him she doesnt need to be calling everyday, its ridiculous
thats his ex, as long as hes seeing the child she should be happy.

Answer 2

*No you are not in the wrong and you sound like you have every reason to be concerned with her excessive contact with your husband. I mean it's understandable that they have to have some contact, because of their daughter...but at the same time there is really no need for her to be doing it constantly every waking minute of the day.

-I would say under these circumstances she should be contacting your husband only:
#1- The child needs to have medical attention
#2- Child Support Issues (If any)
#3- Child Goes Missing
#4- School Related
#5- Medical Emergency (relates to number one.)
#6- Daycare Related Issues
*Other than those I listed and maybe a couple things I may have left out, she should not be in constant daily contact with your husband.*

~I do however also think that you need to sit down with your husband when you both have a few minutes. And you need to be open and nice of course, and let him know (again) that her constant need to talk to him...is really bothering you, and you don't mind that she checks up on her daughter every so often or whatever, but it's getting to the point where she is just calling to call for no good reason.

-You should also explain to him, that you understand they have a child together, and you love his daughter to death. But at the same time you two also have children together, and when she keeps constantly calling your house among e-mails and texts...it's really starting to become irritating and you don't feel you should have to put up with it. And that he needs to say something to her. NOW.

**You know it also would not be a bad idea that you request to your husband that all 3 of you sit down together, and you need to express your concern for her calling etc. all the time. And at that point your husband should also (face to face) let his ex know that it is very rude and uncalled for, for her to be making that much contact with him. And basically name off what I told you above, and let her know under those circumstances only should she be contacting him, otherwise she has no reasoning to do so. ** Or you can sit with him while he tells her this over the phone and you can listen in on it, to make sure he follows through. This way there is no physical confrontations or anything.

~Good luck with this situation...keep us updated.

Answer 3

i would consider this to all be a red flag against your husband because first he lied about why he hasn't seen his daughter. so how do you know he didn't lie about why they broke up after all if he broke her heart that would make him look bad to you right so he's not going to say that. But the evidence points to that because usually when men get betrayed they don't forgive as well and consider the women a witchand wouldn't talk to them all the time so i think he was at fault plus he has proven himself a liar but thats beside the point no it is not wrong to say not to have so much contact i wouldn't feel comfortable either.i don't want to even know why she is talking to a man that forgot about his daughter 4 yrs she is messed up desperate or vulnerable something is wrong their 2nd u need to consider that fact there is NO excuse good enough to not c your kids will ha walk out on your someday too? i would try to talk to her & get the story maybe she isn't a liar like him. Goodluck and Godbless you and pray for wisdom.

Answer 4

It sounds like she has had something happen in her life recently to change her situation, thus the need to contact your husband. It seems like maybe she is trying to get a feel for the situation in your relationship. Speaking from experience, they tend to do that (my hubby's ex is a complete idiot but always needs to call for something, and usually gets hung up on) until they have someone else to occupy their time. She is probably hating the fact that your marriage is working and her didn't. Do not let her come between you as hard as it may be to bite your tongue....and don't bad mouth her in front of the daughter. When you need to vent, call a friend and tell them exactly what you think of the ex!!!

Answer 5

Did you read that other question? Some women thrive on hurting other people especially if it is their ex'x new spouce I even went through that with my husbands ex. And she was re-married had been for years after a while when she realized it didn't bother me she quit haven't heard from her in three or four years now! Be strong if she knows it bothers you she'll do it more and in other ways. Ask your husband if you can start taking some of her calls, be nice as you can and truely mean it, try becoming her friend and she'll back down...! I even made my husband and his ex sit down for cookies and coffee while I went to do my dishes, she never came back after that one!

Answer 6

it is an exceedingly complicated situation and a tragic one besides. My husband's ex did her suitable to make useful that his 3 infants felt he grew to become into the undesirable guy and it has taken years to get issues taken care of out. Even now it is not suitable. yet with 2 out of three of the infants, he has been waiting to finally have a relationship. that's gloomy that a companion might want to take out their anger by using undesirable mouthing the different yet while happens. teenagers shouldn't might desire to pay for a marriage that went undesirable and the spouses might desire to on no account taint their youngster's minds against the different companion. It merely isn't top. i've got faith for what you're dealing with and my purely suggestion is what we've executed. supply your husband each and every of the assist you are able to and permit him understand that he's not in charge for what his ex does to destroy him in his youngster's and ex's households eyes. Do the suitable you are able to. We worked no longer straight forward to benefit some have confidence back and it is been properly worth it. however the viciousness is poor from the ex. We merely have moved previous it after sixteen years. My husband has commonplace what he can not exchange. and you realize what? we are satisfied. you will no longer be able to allow it kill you and you may desire to pass with what you have. i'm hoping you are going to be able to discover a similar thank you to settle for what you have no longer finished administration over.

Answer 7

I kept looking for some sign that this is a joke question. You are STILL married to a guy that is such a low life scum that he's not bothered seeing his child for 4+ years. A true prince, and a candidate for father of the year. Let me guess- he hasn't been paying child support either. A true prince. And now, his ex is back in the picture. You are bothered that he's having too much to do with her. You say she shattered his heart. Just try to be honest with yourself. A shattered heart isn't a thing a person "gets over" or forgets. But, now he's talking to her on the phone, texting, e mailing, and probably seeing her in person. Yup, he obviously wants nothing to do with her. This question is either a lie, or you are deluding yourself. I hope it's a joke.

Answer 8

I'm sorry, but if somebody told me I don't need to contact my ex-husband unnecessarily concerning my son, I'd laugh at them. If he wants to be in his daughter's life, and I pray that he does, her mother is going to be part of the picture. That's just how it is. Don't ask him to not have so much contact with the ex--that's going to come across as a jealous bit*h.

PS: Do you really feel comfortable having two children with this man who doesn't have contact with his other children??

Answer 9

id say just sit back and let you're husband go on the ride and just be there to help him when he needs you. He is a grown man and although you are married and together as one, he also has to learn from his mistakes on his own, he will eventually tire and become frustrated with her all on his own so he doesn't need to be having frustration towards you as well, so my advise is just be there for him, you know deep down he loves you and your family and he would never hurt you in such a way as cheating. As for her she will also tire out some day when she moves on. Good luck

Answer 10

AS long as they are talking about the daughter then I see no problem with it! The child is what matters the most not your feelings of the ex. Now if shes calling just to chit chat then seems you may have a problem here!

Answer 11

He is going to have to contact her, and speak with her about their child. That's a fact of life. You need to seriously stay out of this, encourage him to have a relationship with his daughter. He's married to you, you've had his child now. I wouldn't say anything to him about it, unless he brings it up first. I would be concerned that anything you say would be construed as jealousy, even though it isn't. I'm afraid he would take it that way.

Also, there may be something going on with the daughter that requires them to communicate more frequently right now. I say give him the benefit of the doubt.