My wife and I have 3 kids (her 1 and my 2) and got married a year ago. It’s been rough blending issues and dealing with a new marriage. She is convinced that if I won’t have a kid with her, I love my ex. Wife more than her. I understand her point but my point is that I love her 10 times more than my ex. But because of our kids from previous relationships I’m not sure we have the time, energy, or resources to have another one. Has nothing to do if I love her or not. Doesn’t help that she’s turning 30 and feeling that clock ticking. Also doesn’t help that my ex. Wife is thin, blonde, and tall (she’s short and has gained 20 pounds since we got married). She just is convinced that because I don’t have a kid with her I’ll go back to my ex. Wife because I had kids with her and won’t with my wife. It has nothing to do with love but resources and time. I don’t want another one right now. It’s too much and she knows it but her emotions are running the show. I’m afraid she will leave and create a self fulfilling prophecy about this marriage if she doesn’t start seeing things clearly. What can I do?
2007-04-19 05:26:34 · 21 answers · asked by survivor 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I'm not sure if she's really being insecure or manipulating, but that is for you to decide since you're in the situation. I see your reasons for possibly not wanting any more children as a very rational thought. For her to create a reason for you is more of a matter of either not trusting you and your feelings or her trying to guilt you into something you might not want at the moment.
I don't think a child is a symbol of love, but should be the object of love. Getting married is an act of love and devotion.
Did you two not discuss children before? I would imagine that before getting married you both would have already stated whether or not you wanted more children. It should have been an issue uncovered after marriage.
2007-04-19 05:33:31 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 2⤋
She's not listening to you. The only thing you can really do is go to marriage counseling. As a woman, yes, her clock is ticking very loudly. I have 2 kids myself, about to be 32 and I have a new husband. My emotional self wants to have another kid just so that I can give him one (he has none), but my rational self knows that it would be a bad idea. She wants another kid for the wrong reason, just to "keep" you but what she doesn't understand is that if you were really going to leave her for your ex-wife, nothing would be able to stop you. Explain to her that you left your ex-wife and you DO have kids with her so that isn't even a valid point. Counseling, i feel, is the only way to go. Good Luck.
2007-04-19 05:44:46 · answer #2 · answered by Shelly E 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Start excercising as a couple and don't worry about it. Sounds like her self esteem is a little low. Take up a new hobby or do somthing that takes both of you outside your "comfort level" and allows you to grow as a couple. Something new that you can both be passionate about.....
Change your lifestyle a bit. Eat healthier and TURN OFF THE TV.
If you don't want anymore kids, then be brutally honest about that fact. If she can't accept it and move forward then this won't work.....
This is about you and her. Your ex has nothing to do with it. If she persists, then you have every right to get a little upset with her. Get into counseling if all else fails....
2007-04-19 05:59:46 · answer #3 · answered by flyfish_777 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
I dont know what to tell you. I feel the same way about my husband and his ex. Hey, when you hear how great the ex was at everything, makes you feel like piece of crap on the floor and not worthy of anything, because you aren't her. how much do you compare and/or praise the ex in front of your wife. I know men say this is dumb and childish, but once you hear enough stuff you have it in your head that you will never measure up and all the ex has to do is say come and your gone. Limit how much you talk about/praise the ex when your wife is in ear shot of you. Make sure you let her know daily that you love her. I know it sounds really bad, but once in awhile as the new wife I want to hear that i am better than the ex. Childish? Maybe, does it help I dont know, its what i want but husband wont try it, so please, if you want to make her feel like the love of your life, treat her like it. As far as having a baby with you goes, that's a hard one too. i have a child with my husband, and its a comparison between his daughter and our daughter, so that causes more but different issues. I will wish you all the luck in the world, because i know how hard i make my husbands life, all the luck and patience to you. And please let your wife know that she is not the only new wife that feels the way she does.
2007-04-19 05:58:58 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
As a husband of 28 years and the father of two grown boys, 26 and 22... let me just say that a marriage is about a man and a woman. It is not about children. Now, a family is about parents and children. Your wife needs to distinguish between her marriage to you and her family... natural and blended. You and your wife have two separate obligations. One, to love each other and not let anyone or anything get in the way of that... including your children. Two, you are each obligated to your children... together and individually. Children simply need to know and follow the family rules and they should be fair to all. Your wife needs to feel loved. She needs to be the center of your love universe. Not everything is about children. If you and her don't find a way to rekindle the magic that brought you together... your marriage will fail and your children will become uninteded victims. During these challenging times, having three children is quite an ominous task. Enjoy and cherish what you have. Quantity does not out-trump quality. Raise your three children with love and you will all be rewarded.
2007-04-19 05:36:33 · answer #5 · answered by Mike 2 · 2⤊ 0⤋
Things will not get better if you give in and have a kid with the new wife. She will probably not changeno matter what you do. My first wife was like that.....constantly telling me that she knew I'd leave her some day - know what? I did. Tell you wife to relax, no kid until she calms down and also tell her to lose some weight.
2007-04-19 05:56:29 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Dear Survivor:
Oh, how I KNOW how you feel!!! Me & my BF have 4 children. Three are his from 2 previous marriages, and one is mine from my 1 previous marriage. We are VERY happy. The kids all get along GREAT. He had himself fixed a few years back because he was done having children, simply put. Would I LOVE to have a baby with him? OMG, YES!!! But it's simply not in the cards. We are not wealthy in the least & another child would sap further resources from our family that is already strung out pretty tight as is. Besides, it would cost money we DONT have in order for him to get a reversal on his vastectomy. he loves my daughter & cares for her just as much as his own kids. Although I feel the ache, I must set it aside for the greater good of our family, becuase that is my job as "wife" of the household & girlfriend to this fantastic guy who provides for all of us. Your new wife needs to learn the same. That there is pride & love in a "patch-work" family. It is the way you all connect & get along that should be glue enough for her to stick around & rellish in her beautiful family. When I feel the ol' clock banging in my chest, I dote on my 1 daughter, as should she. As for her love & devotion to you, I would suggest you try having one last heart-to-heart with her about this. Again, insist in telling her how very much you love her; that your last wife doesn't hold a FLAME to her. (My ex's ex wives are BOTH more beauteous than myself, in my opinion, but he swears that I am much more "quality" person than they ever were & I take comfort & pride in that!) Try your best to quell her fears & ask her to tell yuo about them so she can feel more secure; but in the end, if it still doesn't quiet her stressed-out mind, then you need to seek counseling immediately. She has issues with herself & with your relationship that no one can fix but her & evidently, since she can't get over them herself, she should seek some help. Go WITH her, becuase you're in this together. Back her 100% and she'll get through this. I have. :) Best of Luck!
2007-04-19 05:41:42 · answer #7 · answered by Spiral_Dancer 3 · 1⤊ 0⤋
I'm sorry. I ain't no relationship specialist and I don't want to get in over my head. But since I'm here already, just buy her some roses and some chocolate or something.
P.S. Maybe you should stop acting like a 'Survivor' and get into 'Provider' mode. I've heard of people on welfare having 10 kids so the resources issue doesn't square it with me.
2007-04-19 05:30:51 · answer #8 · answered by $Sun King$ 7 · 2⤊ 1⤋
Yeesh! I agree; having a child is not a very responsible way to demonstrate that you love someone. It sounds like you guys are experiencing growing pains (as a newly formed family) with a smattering of midlife and maybe personality issues/low self-esteem... thrown in...not to mention that your wife is thinking with her heart and you are thinking with your head (mars and venus, ya know). This is way too complicated for YA to solve. If you want this marriage to work, and I think you and she both do, get in counselling. At least a couple of sessions. And continue to reassure her that you love her but be honest about your reasons for not wanting a child right now.
2007-04-19 05:33:08 · answer #9 · answered by Anonymous · 4⤊ 1⤋
Why did you describe your ex wife? Why do you think your wife thinks you love your ex more because she is thin/blonde. I think you have some issues you need to settle yourself about your ex. These issues should have been settled before you married......your wife can see that and that is why she is acting this way.
2007-04-19 05:33:34 · answer #10 · answered by Ya-sai 7 · 2⤊ 0⤋