my daugter's father was abusive so i left him while i was pregnant.. i have raised her by myself and now she's asking who he is and where he is.. i have a way of contacting him but i dont know what to say to her. she's very emotional and i fear that the " he's not around honey" is no longer enough for her.
im a single parent that wants the best for her. he's never even bothered to call and ask how she is..
2007-04-19 04:48:22 · 25 answers · asked by machita 1 in Family & Relationships ➔ Other - Family & Relationships
hi.
you can try to let your daughter know what happened in the simplest terms you can muster. you can decide what details to leave out.... or put in.
you can tell your daughter that sometimes moms and dads are unhappy living together and that is what happened...
let her know it's not her fault.
ask her how she FEELS... sometimes it's a relief for children to let go of some of their worry and frustration by expressing themselves.
if you plan to try and contact he father, maybe it would be wise not to let her know until you talk with him?
i know this is painful for YOU as a mom. my son's father was absent from his life, also.
if you feel that your daughter isn't coping well at some point, you can always seek therapy for her. child psychologists have great tools and good ways of relating to children.
i hope it works out for you and your daughter. hugz
2007-04-19 05:08:30 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
I don't think you should say anything bad about him. I wouldn't bother to contact "loser boy" either. You may tell her he had some serious emotional problems that he had to go away and deal with.(which is true in a sense) Take her to talk w/a child psychologist to see if there is a problem w/her emotions etc. I sort of had a similar scenario w/ ex and my daughter (she was 5 years old) The therapist saw her 2-3 times and said she is normal, no scars,etc..but if I see behavior problems, bring her back. He said usually a problem comes up around age 12 (puberty/self esteem/identity issues) and age16 (high school). You know what you will be saying in a few years? Same thing I am saying now(my daughter is 13) " I get to take ALL the credit for raising a beautiful well adjusted daughter, I played mom and dad," So in the near future when people compliment you on what a great daughter you have raised. Enjoy the feeling it gives you...over and over, because you WILL hear it often. God Bless you two.
2007-04-19 12:17:17 · answer #2 · answered by pamnation14 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
It's a hard situation but I don't think it's healthy for her not to know her father. She needs some sort of male figure in her life. If he hasn't contacted you about her than of'course I wouldn't start seeking him out. I would explain the situation to your daughter as best as possible. Maybe get her some therapy also. Kids remember these things at this age. I would be afraid for her to even be with the father being that he abused you. Good Luck with the situation but remember that you have to mold your child for their future so choose your words wisely when speaking to her about it.
2007-04-19 11:54:33 · answer #3 · answered by Unknown, CA 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is old enough to be asking questions, then she is old enough for the truth. Just tell her, that you love her and she is a wonderful person. Her Dad is a mean person that hits, and to protect her and keep her safe you stay away from him. Tell her that when she is 18, and old enough to protect herself, you will give her the contact information for her father and she can make the decision if she wants him in her life. But for now, she needs to be safe and stay away from him.
Keep reminding her that it is not her fault and that just because her father is a bad person it doesn’t make her a bad person. You might want to think about counseling. There are lots of free programs out there if you can’t afford one.
2007-04-19 11:57:06 · answer #4 · answered by Robin C 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Children are much more resilient than we as adults often give them credit for being. Next time she asks tell her that you will explain everything to her after dinner or pick a good time when the two of you won't be interrupted.
Tell her the whole story, don't try to beat around the bush about why you are not together. Tell her about the fact that he has never contacted you nor asked anything about her nor sent any money or gifts for her. Also tell her that you know how to contact him, but since he has never shown any interest you haven't bothered.
This explanation will probably be sufficient for her for the next few years. When she becomes a teenager she may wish to contact him, but you can cross that bridge when you come to it.
2007-04-19 12:02:32 · answer #5 · answered by don n 6 · 0⤊ 1⤋
Tell her the truth. It is hard being a mom that has to hurt your own child's feelings, but in cases like this there is not much of an alternative. She will end up coming to her own conclusions about her father. She will also develop the utmost respect for you. Let it be her decision whether or not she wants to talk to him.
2007-04-19 11:58:04 · answer #6 · answered by Kat S 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
If she is old enough to ask she is old enough for an honest answer. Without going into details, just tell her that her Daddy hurt you and the two of you could not be together anymore. If she persists, let her know that when she is old enough to take care of herself, you will let her know who and where he is but that until that time; if he has not pursued his own child, then she should just let it be. Most kids respond real well to honesty. Good luck and God bless
2007-04-19 12:06:02 · answer #7 · answered by gmabell 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
She is very young so trend carefully . Only tell her what you think she can handle. I think I would tell her that when she is older you will sit down and tell her all about him. Very hard situation and my heart goes out to both of you. I applaud you getting out of a bad situation and commend you for raising this child in a loving atmosphere free from abusive. Well Done!
2007-04-19 11:55:45 · answer #8 · answered by lucyshines49 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Tell her about him. His name what he looked like and bits and pieces about him. My birth father was not a part of my life either. My mom let me talk to him on the phone every few months when I got really curious. But I soon learned he was not father material...he would make promises to me and always break them. I am not glad he was not a part of my life and I think my mom did a great job!
She left him when she was pg with me because he was a major drug addict and also abusive.
2007-04-19 11:55:21 · answer #9 · answered by supergoober 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
What if you give her an honest answer without any gory details? Tell her he was unable to care for you so he had to leave. It might be helpful to have a family counselor help you discuss this with her.
Either way, thank you for not staying with him and perpetuating a cycle of violence!
2007-04-19 11:54:02 · answer #10 · answered by Penelope Smith 7 · 0⤊ 0⤋