We've been together for 4 years. We're in our early 30's and his sex drive has been non - existent for a long time now. I feel undesired and very sad. I'm an attractive girl. He says after a while its not "new" anymore. I don't get the feeling that he's cheating on me, in any way. We have a good relationship outside of the sex. It was great and very plentiful in the beginning. Now he says with stress and work and being busy that he just doesn't think of it often. Maybe once a month he'll initiate it. I don't want to initate it because I feel like if I'm rejected I get even more frustrated and sad. Please help me.
2007-04-19 04:19:54 · 27 answers · asked by DForte330 2 in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
I have a friend who has a similar problem with her husband!!! When they first started dating he wanted her CONSTANTLY. Then as their relationship went on he just didn't want to have sex anymore. She'd always talk to me about how it made her feel unnattractive, and like she wasn't wanted....and she too is very attractive. She thought she could 'fix' the problem herself....she started going to the gym like crazy and lost a little bit of weight, started dressing differently. All that did was make him mad because he thought other men would be looking at her, lol.
FINALLY, after they got married, she made him go see a doctor. The doctor has put him on some type of medication that's supposed to help his sex drive. The doctor thinks he had some other issues.....like depression maybe? I don't remember for sure.
Another thing that's a bit bizarre, my friend works in a chiropractor's office...she had her husband go in one time because he was complaining of neck pain. Doc actually said that there was something in his spine that was missing, making his back crooked, and as a result that could cause some issues with his sex drive. (and doc was oblivious to their problems in the bedroom)
I just thought it was ironic all of the medical reasons that cause lack of sex drive...don't blame yourself. And if you are certain that he's not having an affair, this just isn't 'normal.' Get help, and be supportive!
2007-04-19 04:28:18 · answer #1 · answered by jezyka 5 · 0⤊ 0⤋
There are a lot of factors that adds up to why a person's libido is the way it is. Most of them are quite complex. I would believe him when he says that he is overstressed from work, and being busy.
My wife and I have been married for nearly seven years. For the first 4 1/2 we made love on average five days a week, and it too was wonderful. Then we had a baby. We still did it a lot, but not nearly as often. When we had our second child, it has nearly stopped. If we make love three times a month we think that it is a miracle. However, it is increasing. I think it is because we sat down and talked about it. She told me what she needed, and I told her what I needed. If your bf is not interested in filling your needs, then he may have become selfish.
If it's not new anymore, try to spice it up. Different positions, different actions. Just grab him and let him know how much you need it, and if he doesn't give it to you, you may go crazy!
Maybe in his subconsious he doesn't feel like the relationship is going anywhere. The whole "not new" thing may have revealed something of this. Perhaps a suggestion of marriage and more serious commitment is what he is looking for.
Good luck!
2007-04-19 04:32:31 · answer #2 · answered by Mr. Indignant 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Its natural for as things progress in a relationship for sex life to become stagnant. However, it is not a insolvable issue. When you boyfriend says its not "new" anymore, its basically cue for you to make things interesting, different, off the main road. This could be everything from role playing (costumes) to vacation getaways. I went through the same with my girlfriend, but we realized it was because everything tended to get so normal and sex was becoming just a repetitous same act like work. So basically, you have to create new ways to liven your sex life up. One thing i will say in advance though. You are never gonna have the same drive that you did when you fuirst hooked up. At that time, it might even have been 7-8 times a week but by spicing things up, you can create some comfort.
2007-04-19 04:26:30 · answer #3 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Well I can relate to his explanation. I will say that I am in the same situation as he is. My boyfreind and I have been together for almost 11 yrs, and I love him very much, he is my life along with our 8 year old son, I don't even seem to turn my head to look at other men in a long time, however I am always the one who works 9-5 everyday, cook, clean, (i'm a clean finatic so I clean all the time), I have ball practice with Hunter, and when my day is over, I'm just too tired. I don't even think about it but about once a month either. So I understand where you are coming from because my boyfreind thinks I am cheating, or bored with his sex, but that is not the case. SOMETIMES WE AS PEOPLE ARE TOOOOO TIRED!!! Please don't give up on this man for I am sure he loves you and like me wonders how to fix the problem if none of his daily chores don't give. I just want to let you know that his feelings are possible and real.
2007-04-19 04:31:30 · answer #4 · answered by Sha-Na-Na 2 · 1⤊ 1⤋
He is in his early 30s & he says stress at work? Add 2 kids, a mortgage, in laws & a leaky roof - he will never get a hard on!
I think it is time to break up with him. If you want marriage & a good & healthy sexual relationship, this isn't the guy for you.
If my man were only able to have sex ONCE a month he would be at the doctor's office IMMEDIATELY. He is 56, and we have sex 4-5 times every week - with two teenagers, a mortgage, both of us working etc.
2007-04-19 04:32:47 · answer #5 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Let me use myself as an example. My girlfriend is very pretty, but she has an unpleasant odour down there. I gathered all the courage and mentioned it, but she only got crossed with me. She is not very active in bed, she never initiates, she really does not show that she is interested in sex. Possibly you are not giving your man the booster he needs to always ask for more. Nothing is automatic when it comes to sex; you need to use your feminine everything to put your man on high gear all the time. Always let your man see more of what sparks his engines... you should have done that by now. Know that the man's mind and emotions play a big role. When you want sex, do and talk sex ... nothing else, no pretending! Good luck.
2007-04-19 04:36:14 · answer #6 · answered by blackjack 1 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Men's libido is tied to stress, job and how successful they feel... of course if there is nothing wrong physically. Is he depressed?
Consider the book:
Mars and Venus in the Bedroom, John Gray
While you may be afraid of being rejected, it may spice up things if you initiate - read the book first.
Also, read Relationship Rescue by Dr Phil - do the tests in the book and share the results with him. If he's unable to help make the relationship and your sex life exciting, it may be time to tell him you are thinking of ending the relationship, because it's unacceptable for you to be nearly celibate while in a relationship.
Good luck to you.
2007-04-19 04:27:51 · answer #7 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
He'll initiate sex once a month...? Sounds to me like you should initiate it more often. Make it fun and exciting--buy some toys and spice things up!!
If not...once a month sounds really scary. You need to find out what he's doing on the side.
Im sure if you start initiating you'll be fine. Get over your fear of rejection--you've been with him for 4 years!
2007-04-19 04:46:36 · answer #8 · answered by monkey 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Most men hit thier "sexual prime" in thier early twenties. Now that he is over thirty his metabolism, and his hormone levels are going to drop. Sometimes this drop is gradual and takes many years, sometimes it doesn't. Throwing stress from work and life on top of that doesn't help much. Talk to him and let him know how it makes you feel, and that you want a healthy sex life with him. Maybe he can talk to his doctor about some vitamins or testosterone suppliments to help him get in the mood more often.
2007-04-19 04:27:29 · answer #9 · answered by jimapalooza 5 · 1⤊ 0⤋
i am kinda in the same situ except i am the one that doesn't desire it all the time :( i cant keep my husbands hands off me and it is not that i don't love him i do very much! i think because i have a lot of stress and work so he is most likely telling the truth when he tells u the reasons:) also he is in his 30s now and his sex drive isn't going to be the same as yours do what my hubby does get him when he is 1/2 asleep ;) LOL
2007-04-19 04:26:23 · answer #10 · answered by notyochic 6 · 1⤊ 0⤋