How do I deal with the pain of his cheating?

Question

Been married for 7 years, we had an amazing relationship, the best thing that ever happened to me. I loved him so much and felt the same from him......he had a 5 month affair with a woman at his work, he claims she kept on chasing him, that she never meant nothing other than physical attraction to him and thought I would never find out so he was ok with it. But then, they kept getting closer, he got very connected with her and made every effort to see her as much as possible. After I found out, he went through panic and begged for forgiveness.....suddenly he hated her, dumped her, wanted not to se her anymore ……this happened last summer…..since then, we’ve been to counseling and tried everything you can think of. He is still begging, cries every day, can’t believe he did this to someone that loved him so much…The problem I have is now I can not even stand to be around him now….I think I was in a state of shock because I never thought he would do such thing…..our love was too great to go through this……now I am reacting, now I feel things for him I never felt before…..I resent him so much is driving me crazy. Some times I feel like I have lost my mind and the pain is killing me …..still can’t believe he did this. I noticed is getting worse, and I am more bitter now then a few months ago. When you ask him WHY? He just says “I had the best woman a man can ask for, she did nothing wrong, I was selfish”……ok, so that’s good !! But the pain is still killing me. HELP!

Answer 1

Well, once a cheater always a cheater.

Contact a divorce lawyer if counseling isn't working. You aren't happy, he cheated, and you feeling resentment.

You can accept his apology and try to renew the relationship, but it sounds like you don't want to. If that is the case, divorce him.

I find it hard to believe that he had a five month affair because "she kept on chasing him." Oh please! What a lame excuse. FIVE MONTHS, not a one-night stand. FIVE MONTHS. You tried to forgive but can't. If you want to renew the relationship, then it is up to you. I wouldn't.

Answer 2

You can't expect yourself to get over this kind of thing quickly. Sometimes it's important to feel your pain in order to deal with the cause of it. There are some things you can gradually do to take the edge off, but don't be upset with yourself or give up if nothing works when you first try it.

Reframe the way you look at the situation in your mind. You have had a major setback in your relationship. You may even feel that you have lost the relationship alltogether. The relationship is outside of you. It is external. External things come and go. Did you feel like less of a person, or less worthy of being loved because he cheated? Remember, you are still the attractive, vibrant person you were before he cheated. You haven't lost any part of yourself. Your hopes, dreams, goals, creativity, talents, and accomplishments are still yours. You were a seperate, single, and complete entity before you started building a life with your husband, and although things did not go as you planned, everything at your center that makes you YOU is still yours. If you give yourself time you will even find that you are still capable of love; whether you choose to bestow that love upon your husband, or in a future relationship.

The fact that he cheated is a reflection on HIM not on you. You are not responsible for enticing your husband to be faithful. Faithfulness is the bare minimum you should expect from your husband, and the fact that you didn't get it for a while does not in any way mean there is something wrong with you.

Answer 3

No matter what he says to you it is not going to make you feel better about what he did. Why? Because there is no valid answer. Being angry is normal - if you were in shock to begin with then you were numb and now the numbness is wearing off. Now comes the anger. Next you will wonder what you did wrong (NOTHING) and blame yourself. Then you will get angry again. It's a process. At some point, you will have peace with it.

It's hard not to take what he did personally. Here's the deal - he was not thinking about you when he did this - he was thinking about himself. You had nothing to do with his behavior or with his choices. He behaved on his EMOTIONS and we both know that that isn't always wise. He was stupid. He didn't decide "I'm going to do this to hurt my wife." That wasn't it at all. Sorry - but he was not thinking of you - only himself.

You will quit losing your mind once you accept that his affair HAD NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU and you quit asking him WHY as there is no answer he can give that will satisfy you.

It comes down to a choice on your part - either accept his apology and forgive him and then act like you do until your actions catch up with your feelings, or let the marriage go.

Whichever works for you is the right answer for you.

Good luck. One day the pain will stop.

Answer 4

Thank God, when he cheated on that woman against you, he didn't give u a disease! Now, you know the truth of what he's done, and he is feeling extremely sorry for it. In your heart you know it's not gonna help the situation if you decide to cheat on him. So now you in a state of making sure that he feels sorry for what he's done and your making sure he doesn't forget your pain and suffering. Now what you have to understand is this, he knows this now and you're still in pain. You are asking us how to deal with it and the solution is simple yet difficult. You have to FOREGIVE him! That's why you speak so bitter to him, that's why you can't let go of the pain, that's why you want him to remember. You still haven't forgiven him. Please don't look at it as you letting your guard down or it being an act of weakness.... you must forgive. It is one of the hardest things for humans to do and yet God forgives us all the time. I forget the chapter and the versus, but God will not forgive us as we don't forgive each other. I had to forgive not too long ago for the same kind of pain, if not worse, and I feel a lot better. Your marriage with this man can and will be saved... take your time ok... Take care..

Answer 5

Healing the pain of betrayal takes time, even with counseling.

Sites to consider for support:
www.marriagebuilders.com

iVillage has a Life After Betrayal support board:
http://messageboards.ivillage.com/iv-rlhealingaft

Reading material to consider also:
Surviving Infidelity: Making Decisions, Recovering from the Pain by Rona Subotnik, Gloria Harris

After the Affair: Healing the Pain and Rebuilding Trust When a Partner Has Been Unfaithful, Janis Abrahms

Straight Talk About Betrayal: A Self-Help Guide for Couples by Donna R. Bellafiore

My guess is that part of your pain comes from not being able to fully express your feelings and outrage about what he did. He immediately went to the begging, dumping her, etc. But this wasn't a 'one time' oops, I made a mistake. Every day for 5 months he made the decision to betray you, to call her, to be with her, to deceive you.

Are you journal writing also? It can help you vent your feelings. Sreaming on paper, writing him and her an UNSENT letter about what you think and feel about the situation - then burn them.

Sorry you have to go through this.

Answer 6

I have been in your shoes. Leave him would be my advice. My husband cheated and then went thru the whole begging and crying bit. I resented him big time and would get so mad just thinking about it. He seemed really sorry for what he did and I tried my best to move on from it and eventually i got to where I didn't think about it as much. Now three years later he has cheated again! We don't even live together anymore and I will be filing for divorce in 2 months when I establish residency in the county I live in. He is a scumbag and I feel much better now that I am not with him anymore. He is now her PROBLEM. If she wants to spend her life always knowing he is a cheater and will never be faithful to her then she can...but I deserve someone better than that and so do you! Good Luck!

Answer 7

I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Let me assure you that the anger you are feeling is normal. There's nothing wrong with you, you aren't crazy. It's part of the healing process.

It's good that your husband has cut off contact with the OW and that he is remorseful. Now he needs to figure out WHY he cheated. Has he been in individual counseling? Too many times couples run to marriage counseling when they find out about an affair, and cheating has nothing to do with anything that is wrong in the marriage. Cheaters cheat because of something that is missing inside of themselves. Individual counseling would also do you a world of good. I started seeing a therapist about a month after I found out about my husband's affair and it was one of the best things that I did for my own healing. Another thing that helped was finding an online support group. It really does help to talk to others who know what you're going through. You're more than welcome to join this group.
http://groups.yahoo.com/group/healing_after_adultery/

It WILL get better. You won't always feel the way that you do right now.

(((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

Answer 8

Wow this is a hard one. Counseling is good. So I can tell that you still love him and you are trying to make things work. That is awesome. He sounds like he is truely regreting the ignorence of his mistake. The real question is do you want to make it work? If you do it will take some time. You have to learn to trust him again he has to work and show you that you can. If you both want to work on it then go for it. Do not let anger, and hurt consume you. First and formost it is bad for your health and well being. Second you can not begin the forgivness and moving on until you do. Yes he made a terrible mistake and he will need to work hard to prove his dedication to you. But on the upside it can work. I will pray for you and you should pray that God will work in your favor and in your marrage. What kind of counseling have you been to? You may consider a Pastor if you haven't done that. God works in many ways and he can set you free from the pain and anger if you just ask him with your heart and allow him to work in your favor. Hope this helped if you need to talk hit me up!

Answer 9

Sorry for what you went thru!Life is full of lessons which we kept track of some and lost track of some! Hurts when infidelity hits u but there is always a moment when it turns out to work well after forgiving and starting afresh again!He is sorry for what he did and i am sorry for what you have gone thru all this while.I am just glad that you are able to voice it and live with him at the same.Not everyone does that when it comes to infidelity.It is good that the rough patch is over the truth is out and the family is together.It takes a while to forget but it will be great memory to look upon in older years with your beautiful kids around you!They make you feel worthy what you have gone to have this relationship back!

Answer 10

First of all your doing this to yourself..You stayed in a relationship where their was infidelity when you could have packed your shyt and moved on maybe finding someone else who thinks more with his head then his d*ck!!!!
Thats the problem with people these days they would rather have that brief moment of pleasure with someone other than their spouse then have a lifetime of pleasure with the one who truley cars and loves them, and the people getting cheated on sits their and takes it and that's not right...
The first time he cheated you should have left...Are you certain he is not cheating anymore? Once a cheater always a cheater..
Time is not going to make you feel any better you will keep on feeling the way you fel unless you do something about it, maybe try marriage couceling again or just leave and start over find someone who you can be truely happy with and that will love you, honor you ect you deserve it