About 2 years ago I committed an awful betrayal of my husband of then 5 years by walking out on him when he was diagnosed with cancer. For more info read previous questions. I was desperate for a second chance and when I was served with divorce papers a few weeks ago I was devastated. Thankfully my one last attempt to get him to give me another chance was successful and after a very long talk we're back together, in marital therapy and I moved back in even though I sleep in the guest room for now. I’m incredibly grateful for the second chance but now that I'm back I'm realizing just how much damage I have done. The abandonment issues I caused in him seem to surface every day and it's just heartbreaking to see. Spending all this time with him is actually reminding what made me fall for him in the first place. He just doesn't seem to believe I won't leave again. How do you prove to someone you're here to stay?
2007-04-19 03:47:44 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous in Family & Relationships ➔ Marriage & Divorce
Wow. Well, it's good to hear you guys are still working on things. He honestly may never get over the fact that you left him. All you can do is be consistant with your behavior. You can't force someone to feel or believe something. Eventually he might get that trust back. Best Wishes!
2007-04-19 03:51:29 · answer #1 · answered by suzlaa1971 5 · 5⤊ 0⤋
I dont know if that is possible. You say you will stay, the words are nice and all but they build little to no faith. The only way you can prove it is to do it. My Husband left me several times, the last time i wasnt going to let him come back. After days of talking and him begging, hes back, but every time we disagree all i see and think about is how hes left before, he told me to get over it, but the next breath he tells me hes leaving again and expects me to just forget that it ever happened. You want to prove to your husband that you are going to stay, never NEVER even in anger mention the words your leaving, dont talk divorce, dont tell him he makes you unhappy. It is all up to you to repair the damage you have caused and it could be years before he believes you, is this an effort that you are willing to work on and put forth much effort?? Because it is not going to be easy.
2007-04-19 04:56:44 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
You prove it by staying. Thats it. Don't sweat him about it...just be there. You will have to take his criticism, judgemental commentary, and issues of abandonment with dignity, perseverence, and keep your mouth shut, per se. I wouldn't believe you either. It will take time. But, you shouldn't beat a dead horse over it...do you know what I mean? Although you should let him talk to you about the entire issue...and perhaps you should tell him about WHY you left (if he asks), I would not ask him to believe you...I would not ask him to forgive. He will, when and if that time comes. Just state, once or every so often when it is needed, that you will be there and that you love him...and then do it.
2007-04-19 03:58:21 · answer #3 · answered by What, what, what?? 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The fact that you have accepted your betrayal and have come back is not enough. It is going to take time, effort and energy to get a relationship back.
Realize that he has every reason to think you will leave but if you continually reassure him and never give him any reason to doubt your sincerity then in time he may let you back into his heart all the way.
For now I think take what he is able to give and you give more than you ever thought possible.
It is only your actions that are going to prove anything to him.
2007-04-19 03:53:15 · answer #4 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋
Damage, damage. At least you see what you have done. Don't do anything to cause him pain at all. Take all his criticism and let him have his dignity back. Show him is not a fool for having you in his life again. If you show any hint of selfishness, any clue of being untrustworthy, he will feel he has made a mistake in having you in his life. Do everything you say you are going to do, if you are going to do the laundry in the evening, follow through. If he asks you to pick up a movie or dry cleaning on Tuesday, be sure you get it done. If he asks for wanted chicken or to go to a favorite restaurant on Saturday, don't forget. Don't blow anything off. Don't blow anything off. Don't blow anything off. Don't throw in, "I would have, but I couldn't because I needed to go shoe shopping."
No surprises. Tell him all your plans well ahead of time. No, "I'm going to see the male strippers with the girls for (occassion) next month.", kinda plans.
Go with him to the doctor's office. Just be prepared to do it. Don't wait for him to ask you. Offer yourself. Don't act like you are doing him any favors. Show him you do it because you love him, not for pats on the back. He needs to see you are for real.
2007-04-19 04:28:34 · answer #5 · answered by ralph 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Leaving at such a devasting time in his life (the diagnosis of cancer) is going to take time to over. Every illness that he has, he is going to worry that you will leave. Let him know that you are embarrassed adn ashamed of what you did. Let him know that you are willing to take whatever "punishment" he has to give you. Whether it is the silent treatment or whatever it is.
Also, make sure that he knows that you are falling in love with him all over again. Let him know of your love for him.
Be prepared for this to TAKE TIME!!!!
I hope that he is in remission and that you are on the road to a happy marriage.
2007-04-19 04:04:00 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
Oh, adverse guy! what form of monther might leave their son?! properly, you may desire to come to a determination in case you love him adequate to be waiting to handle his themes for something of your existence. He might desire to recuperate by using the years yet on no account would be a similar to somebody who's from a healthful relatives. I married one so i understand! no count what unhappy historic past he had, it does not supply him the properly suited to mistreat you. tell him that! If he does not exchange, likely he won't - regrettably, you may desire to stroll once you're nonetheless youthful and beautiful!!
2016-12-29 09:54:23 · answer #7 · answered by ? 4 · 0⤊ 0⤋
You can't prove you won't leave, because you've already shown you are capable of leaving, by leaving. Being married isn't something one dabbles in. You either are a spouse, or you're not. Your spouse is supposed to be the ONE human on Earth, that a person can count on. Sadly, he CAN'T count on you. Sorry, but that IS how it is. When times got tough- you bailed out. Even a lobotomy won't get rid of that memory.
2007-04-19 04:58:11 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 1⤋
It's hard.....my husbands wife left him and I am struggling with that one and I am not the one that left.
Women are stupid......I have a good husband and I know why she left....He is hard to get along with, but so am I.
Tell him that you woke up and that YOU can see the **** pile that you made and that you want to clean it up, but He has to forgive you - Ask him to forgive you. Then allow him to work it out with himself and God.
You have to remember You left him in His greatest time of Need. He needed you. When my first husband died. All of my friends left not one was faithful. One is trying to come back and has asked for forgiveness, but I am scared to trust.....if she really wants to be my friend.....she will overcome the obstacle of unfaithfulness. You will to.....but remember the test is hard.
2007-04-19 03:53:25 · answer #9 · answered by Been There Done That 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
the only way to have done that is to never have left in the first place . he has every right to worry. He probably can't trust is health and now you. you need to DO whatever he asks and if you have to repeat yourself a million times a day, then do it. realize he won't ever completly trust you, how can he? you will just have to live with it like he does
2007-04-19 03:52:28 · answer #10 · answered by debbie v 4 · 1⤊ 1⤋