Do you say things you don't mean when you're angry? What about this?

Question

Last weekend, my husband told me he wants a divorce. He had been drinking. We are in the middle of buying a new house. He is the sole income earner, as I am home with our 4 and 1 year old. He told me that he will be picking all the colors for the house cabinets, carpeting, paint, since sooner or later he's going to divorce me and I'll be leaving anyway. He told me he deserves a thin wife. It came as a shock to me. We aren't perfect, but I didn't think we had come to divorce.
The next day, he told me he was just angry and he didn't mean it. I am not one to lose control of my mouth like that and I can't let go of the things he said. I have said things when I'm angry that I regret or feel embarrassed for saying, but I never outright lie out of anger.

Do you? I think he really does want a divorce. He's now upset with me because I can't drop it. Do people really say things they don't mean or is it a cop out to admitting you spoke the truth in the heat of the moment?

We hadn't been arguing, he just brought it up after I put the kids to bed.

Answer 1

Yes i have to admit that i do say things at times that i do not mean when i am angry or hurt. It is not right to do so though as you can speak pain to someone this way without even meaning to. Once words are spoken you can NEVER take them back so I am wanting to change that and think more before i speak and never speak when i am hurt or angry and wait until i am calmer and more collected with my thoughts before speaking or responding to the person who has hurt me or made me angry. I dont think your husband wants a divorce i think he was just speaking when he was not thinking. Why dont your try joining a gym or something with him or even walking with him to try to lose some weight if at all possible. Try the south beach diet as well ... This seems to be working really well for my sister who is on it and she looks really good and maybe your husband would even go on the diet with you. I also suggest you go to http://www.drphil.com and email him for help and suggestions in this matter. You both might also benefit from marriage counseling and help as well. Talk to your husband and see if he is open to counseling and working on this marriage with you. My heart goes out to you and for your marriage and i am here if you need someone to talk to about things. You are in my thoughts and prayers today and here comes lots of hugs your way.

Answer 2

Alchohol lets the guard down. When a person under the influence says something derogatory, it is because at the moment they do not fear what the outcome of the remark will be. Once sober, they then realize that there are consequences to what they said and often times are sincerly remorseful and other times they are just faking it because they do not want the "back lash" of their true opinions. You need to focus on yourself and those two children and flatt out force that husband of yours to attend counseling with you or face the judgement of his words. DO NOT let this go, tell him he had better start PROVING by actions and words that you are respected in that marriage and that he truly did not mean what he said. If you do not take a drastic step now - it will get worse and you will be in a situation that will be very tragic and difficult to recover from. Keep this in mind - when you truley love someone - you say NICE things about them because that's how you feel - innebriated or not!

Answer 3

Ouch!

I wonder if when he was drinking some of the things that lie beneath surfaced? I'm sure you are thinking the same thing.

The question may be more - do you want a divorce or to get some professional counciling and work this out?

You seem like a very intelligent person, I'm sure you know the courses of action you need to take depending on your answer to that question.

Not an easy question to answer I'm sure, and maybe one of the hardest choices in your life but I think you recognize that it needs to be made.

Answer 4

Yes, I say things I shouldn't and really feel bad about them later when I'm angry. I'm glad you're feeling better and are staying! :)

Answer 5

Don't harp on it, he may have had a bad day. He is paying for a new house and has three people dependent on him, for the moment he may have been over whelmed and the drinking brought it all out. Leave it alone and see what happens. Nagging will only make matters worse.

Answer 6

My husband to says hurtful things out of anger{doesn't drink] but never does he talk like that. If he says it no matter intentional or not, you have the right to to keep at him about it.If he is stupid enought o say things then you are able tot alk about it further. He can make all the money he wants and pickout what he wants, baby you still get half!

Answer 7

Tell him you'd appreciate it if he stopped drinking for a while because he has a problem with it if that's what comes out of his mouth when he's drinking.

And you'd appreciate it if he got in touch with his emotions while sober so that there are no more "I want a divorce" type of suprises in the future. If it comes to that, you'd like to hear about it before it's too late to prepare yourself for it emotionally.

Answer 8

I think you should consider marriage counseling. I mean this wasn't even said in the heat of the moment so it was something he had been thinking about. If he won't go with you, go yourself. It might be what saves your marriage. Good Luck!

Answer 9

I've always heard that a "Drunk mans words are a Sober man's thoughts".

Sounds like he is not happy and was very insensitive and ugly to you. Don't you just love the way he threw weight in your face too.

Sorry that he was ugly to you.

Figure out what YOU want to do and what is best for you and those Babies!!!

Answer 10

He probably was just angry. Alcohol makes us say things we really don't mean as if we had a sober head Just forgive him and let it go, if it happens again then worry