Getting a divorce - She wants me to wait for greencard issues, should I just wait or will she 'trick' me?

Question

I'm 22, she's 26, NYC, been married for 3 years, but unofficially separated for a year. I finally decided we should get a divorce a couple weeks ago. We have no kids and we don't own anything, nothing like that, no alimonies. She wasn't a citizen until I married her, however, she has made it quite clear to me that becoming a citizen wasn't her agenda and that she was in fact in love with me at the time. I trust her on this. However, my father and his friend don't and think otherwise, they even have the idea in their head that it was her idea to get married so she can be a citizen when it was really MY idea, they don't believe me to this day.

So, there's a debit card and a couple credit cards, under my name, which she still has in her possession, she's not using them and says she's going to get everything together and give it back to me all at once she just needs some time 'cuz shes going through a rough period with the death of her grandmother, work, and other issues. (MORE BELOW)

It's been 2 weeks since I decided on divorce with her, if she was going to screw me over credit or money-wise, wouldn't she have done it already? So I told her look I'll handle the divorce, I know a place that offers a reasonable rate, I can just go there by myself and take care of everything, it'll be quick and simple. She's like no, we should do this together 'cuz it involves both of us plus I wanna talk to my lawyer about my greencard status and see if there is any renewal procedure if divorce is involved. That's what she said.

In the meantime though I have my father and his friend pressuring me to go to this place alone to get the divorce before she screws me over somehow, they think she's stalling it because she has a hidden agenda or something.

I feel extremely stressed out and am under a lot of pressure here. Yes, I would like to get this over with as soon as possible. Yes, I can go to this place by myself and get it over with. (MORE BELOW)

But, she's still living in my Apt. which is under my name, she's paying the rent and all that for now, I told her I haven't decided whether or not I wanna keep it or not yet due to financial matters, I might just ask her to stay there with it under my name for another six months or so when I'll be financially stable. So imagine if I handle the divorce by myself, that whole Apt. deal we have might get thrown right out the window and any other similar deals in the future as well.

What should I do??? Is there any way that she can trick me if I go along with her and wait?

Guys, I don't understand though, how would I owe her half of everything I own? We don't "own" anything. That Apt. is under my name, we pay rent, we both make the same amount of money at our individual jobs (she actually makes more than me with all the friggin overtime she does). Also theres no kids.

How would I have to give her half of everything? That makes no sense.

Answer 1

ok

Answer 2

The first thing you want to do is tell your Dad and his friend that you appreciate their concern but you're having a hard enough time with this already and it would help if they'd stop pressuring you.

My concern is the debit and credit cards. It's possible she won't do anything with them but it doesn't take 2 weeks to hand them over. If she's still living with you, all she has to do is pick them up and put them in your hand. It's difficult to deal with a death in the family but that's a bit much.

It is possible for two people to go through a divorce amicably looking out for each other's best interests. Since there is an issue with the green card on her end and there is an issue with debit and credit cards on your end, perhaps the two of you could swap. You both have something to lose. She gives you the cards and you promise to wait until she gets her green card status dealt with.

If everything else has been amicable between the two of you, continue on that path. Do what's best for you both. Communicate with her. Once you start letting outsiders in, things could turn ugly and why go there if it's not necessary?

You know her much better than your Dad and his friend. If you feel secure in trusting her, do that. But do protect yourself in the mean time. Get back the cards or stop them so she can't use them.

Answer 3

Your family has good intentions, but they don't know the big picture. If she has had the cards all this time, I think she would have already screwed you. Not just in the last 2 weeks, but the entire year she has had them while you have been separated. The apartment too. She's been taking care of it all this time, there's no reason to think she won't now. Not everyone is out to do harm. I would handle this with her. I wouldn't do it on her time table though. Give her a deadline to make an appointment with her attorney, so she can figure out what to do with her green card. In the mean time, by all means contact an attorney of your own, so you can get the correct answers to your questions and move forward with the divorce. I wouldn't do it behind her back. It seems like she's trying to be amicable, so you should be too. If you are really worried about the credit cards, if her name isn't on them then cancel them so she can't use them. If her name is on them, then she would be at least partly responsible for whatever debt she racks up on them. A legal separation may protect you too, I don't know. You should definitely have your own attorney through this to protect yourself, but you don't need to be secretive about the divorce. You don't necessarily have to give her half of everything. Every ones situation is different. That's why you really need to get yourself an attorney. Then you know you are getting the correct answers. Just because you have an attorney, doesn't mean you are trying to be sneaky. You can still wait until the green card issues are resolved to file, but at least you can sleep at night, because you know what you are facing. Right now you don't and it seems like your family is against her and they just want you free of her. i understand that, but they also have to realize that she's probably not the gremlin they are making her out to be. Your attorney would be your advocate. They will be able to steer you in the right direction.

Answer 4

I can see both sides to this arguement. What your dad and his friend want you to do is to protect yourself, and you should. That's not disrespecting her at all. If she has a credit card/debit card that belongs to you, you can do one of 2 things. Either a.) go pick them up from her, or b.) contact the banks involved, and cancel both cards and tell them you need new ones. Change the account numbers as well. That way she can't ruin your credit. I'm not saying she would, but right now she has the ability to do so. Don't let her have even the opportunity.

I'm like you, I tend to trust people until they've proven themselves untrustworthy to me. However, I don't hand someone my credit cards either, ya know?

I'm sorry for both of you, divorce is a sad thing.

Answer 5

If you divorce her then she will have to go back to her country of origin. When someone has a green card then someone who is a US citizen has to sponsor them (spouse) for 10 years. If you do not continue to sponsor her then the US Immigration Service will make her return to her country of origin. It would take 7 years for her to become a citizen after she gets the green card.

Also, if she tries to collect welfare they will send her back immediately.

Ask the credit card companies to issue you new cards (not her) and do not give her a card. Be sure the credit cards, etc are in your name alone.

I do not know about NY state law but she has a right to half of everything you and she acquired during the marriage.

Answer 6

You might not like this, but I agree with your father, etc. i would close the accounts and/or remove her from the accounts so she doesn't bankrupt you. Then, file immediately for the divorce and have her served. As far as the apt, if she has lived there for the 3 years you were married, you are going to have a helluva time getting her out of there (most likely a court order, hence why you need to file for divorce ASAP). In NY, you have to be legally separated for one year before a divorce is granted (unless this has changed) so you need to get the legal stuff done now.

As far as the green card, does she have it or is she waiting on it? sounds to me like she married you for the green card (I know that is hard to swallow, per se, but it was done to me too, in NY, so I'm speaking from experience here).

good luck with whatever you decide to do.

Answer 7

Word of the wise, cancel the cards. Just go ahead and cancel your debit card and credit cards she has in her possession. Make sure when they reissue them, they send it to your new address. Go to the place by yourself and file. Tell them that you want a simple divorce, that you have been living separately for over a year. Don't worry about her and her green card status, that's her problem. You want the divorce than go and get it. Just make sure that you cancel the cards so that she won't max them out to just spite you.

Answer 8

You can end all this stress right now by getting an attorney, canceling your cards and moving her out of the apartment. You are trying to be so nice and though that is certainly applaudable, you are opening yourself up for potential trouble. If it's over between you, make it so and be done with it.

Answer 9

at the very least, you need to contact all your credit card companies, tell them you are separated and get her off the accounts. take half of whatever savings you have, give her the other half and close any shared accounts. when you contact the cc companies, ask them if you need to do anything to keep her from opening new cards with your name and info. divorces have a way of getting nasty and it often is related to money

Answer 10

Seems to be me that you are both good people and that even though you are not in love with her you still care for and respect her. I say wait and help her out, just like she would be helping you out by staying in your apartment paying the rent. However this is your choice...not your dad, his friend, or yahoo answers ppl!

Answer 11

The problem is you won't know if she is using credit cards until you get the bill. About a month lag between purchase and billing.
Call cc companies and check on balances.