abusive husband, still made no contact with us?

Question

3 weeks ago my husband beat me up. Police were called, him and i now both of us have a domestic violence order on each other. (yes, go figure Australian laws!) He has made no contact at all with his children, phone or by friends or anything which is really upsetting the kids. According to rumours around town he is going totally on himself being the victim, making out I am crazy, mad, etc etc. That "she drove me to it", dont speak to her!

Ok, I understand that what he did he is responsible for his own actions and I am so over him (although unfortunately, my heart still loves him) . but what I cant understand is

"why did he do this to me?" when he always claimed he loved me? even on the day it happened?

and why has he not wanted any contact with his children? even though he always claims to have been so family orientated? I have tried to make contact through the police as I cannot find him and have no idea where he is.

What turns someone to be like this? any ideas of why

Answer 1

As it is in Australia so it is in UK and USA and India and Japan and ............ etc., etc., etc

We - yes, you and I are all in the same bank of sisters.

For every man like this there may be a reason, as many reasons as men.

But would knowing WHY really help? Would knowing it was because he was scared as a little boy by a woman with kids around him be a good enough reason to knock seven shades of ............. beat you up?

I think what would be a really good idea for you now would be to get in touch with a womans refuge - hear some stories, you really, REALLY are not unique - and sadly - nor is he.

Yes - he needs help - but your first job is to get you and your kids into a stable state of mind. Get some order going. Mundane stuff to start with, housework, a job, kids homework.

Start fixing the future - the past is a done deal.

PLEASE, PLEASE do not try to make contact with him.
Can you not think of him as a very ill person? Surely you would not buy a drink for him if was a drunk? You are the fuse to his bomb - leave him to heal himself - he is the only one that can.

Even if this does not ring true with you - please give yourself some space and get your head straight. These are early days - it will get better and it will get better quicked if you share this with folk that have gone through the same stuff.

Good luck Sister - we made it good - you can too!!

Answer 2

Since he was so abusive to you then be happy he is not contacting you right now. You need to tell your kids about the abuse and he will contact them when he wants to. You need to get a lawyer and find out what you should do in this case especially with the kids. Do not try to contact him in any way. He will contact you when he is good and ready to and if he does not then so be it and move on with your life and be the best mom to your kids that you can be. You cannot make someone love or want to be with you or your kids.

Answer 3

Perhaps yr husband is staying away because he is guilty and ashamed of his actions. He loves you all but resents his action of assualting you. He is probably as hurt as you are, but because he is a man, his pride may be at work preventing him from contacting the family. He may doubt that you'd ever forgive him - at least in the short run.

Man (and woman of course) often harbour negative thoughts rather than positive ones. They often expect the worst but forget the part about hoping for the best.

If there is no way you can contact yr husband, you may want to dedicate a song with a lovely and encouraging message for him. Though he may have wronged you, but by being gracious, you may just have him back asking for forgiveness as he realises his mistake. But remember, yr objective is to have him back because you love him and not because you want him to come back and apologise to you. So if he comes back and take you for granted, be prepared for that.

Correcting him may not be top of the agenda now. It can wait.

Having said that, you may wish to recall if yr husband was like this during yr courtship. Assuming that he has a hot tempered natured, this comes as no surprise. However if the event was an unusual or unexpected one, you may wish to know if there are other catalysts for his action. Whichever the case, his action should be corrected soon, but with love. He has to learn to feel how you feel and vice versa. This will help prevent repeat occurances.

P/S- If u are still lost, pray.

Answer 4

Male ego is keeping him from contacting you. Give him time he'll want to see his kids I'm sure it's killing him not seeing them but sometimes pride is a hard thing to let go but he will. As for why he put his hands on you. There could be a million reason's why but the bottom line is it is not acceptable. And i beg you to move on you deserve better. Keep the peace for the kids sake stay on talking terms etc. But you can and will find someone better than a man that puts his hands on you. Take my advice, i know from experience one time will turn into more and more times. The I will never do it again will turn into him saying that same thing on a regular basis. And it just gets worse the name calling turns into a push and the push turns into a slap and that leads to a punch and ultimately you will end up getting seriously hurt. I wish you and you children the best.Talk to someone if you need. (Me if you need to [e-mail])

Answer 5

Usually pressure of some sort, or unhappiness in the marriage. No--I am not condoning what he did. He was wrong, but it does happen. Best that he get himself together before trying to contact the children. Don't take him back until he goes to anger management classes, if you decide you ever want him back--I wouldn't.

Answer 6

dont worry he'll return if the two of u had love. u know how anger is. it takes a while to cool off. call him and have a candle light dinner or something like that. done let an arguement start. even if it does postpone discussing it on the reason that u r there to have a good time together.

Answer 7

its not nice when some one you love hurts you real bad but you have to sit there and think do i wont this to happen again or in front of my kids my mum beat me when i had my two younger brothers there i know its not my man but i did every thing for my mum and my brothers had no choice but to see that and its not nice get yourself out and away from him and it does not matter if hes goes round telling people that you made him do it it does not matter because you know the truth give your self a new start and enjoy your life with your kids in a non violent environment

Answer 8

He's hurt and is angry and he's taking it out on you and the kids, oh did i forget to mention immature?!
I had an abusive ex and he did the same to me and his son, then took his own life 6yrs later!
Don't try to make contact with him this will frustrate you more and en power him if he gets wind of it, instead wait , don't bad mouth him to anyone, especially not the kids even if they feel rejected, and anyone who listens to him avoid. People will soon get sick of his winging and if you do manage to patch things up he'll be the one who looks the fool! Capeesh!

Answer 9

This guy is a loser...be glad he is gone...get on with a new life. He treats you bad and the kids. Men like him know that they can do anything they want....come back and goo goo up to you and you will forgive all...until the next time....a cycle that will go on and on...I bet this has happened before.
Get rid of him....before he kills you.

Answer 10

poor character... see that ur kids speak out wot they feel, so that they know what is right and wrong.....ur husband is deceiving no one but himself, dear, he needs psychological help!