Wife is jealous of my kids from a previous relationship?

Question

I have a wife of three years and we have a son. I told her that I had kids from a previous marriage and she accepted and married me anyway. Now that we have moved closer to where my kids live she is starting to show signs of being possesive and jealous of me/my time and making excuses about why the kids can't come over or being mad when i go and see them. My ex warned me that she is marking off her territory and slowly trying to alienate the kids from my life. It sounded crazy before but now everything that my ex said is coming true. I asked my wife and she fervently denies wanting to push them away though she tearfully admitted being frustrated about the time and money that I spend on the kids (but I provide for them all equally). I support all of us well financially but she just wishes all of it could be on our 1 child getting all of the attention and money instead of having to share it. It is pulling me away from her. I can't be with her if she can't accept my kids.

Answer 1

Your wife needs professional help...this is above our ability to help you, for it is not you that needs the help, it is her. She is fighting a very bad battle that she will lose...no one is going to abandon their children to a childish adult, period. If she doesn't get help and fast, you are going to hate her, and I would not blame you one bit.

Answer 2

I believe she is insecure and you probably should both talk to a marriage counselor. Something is going on in her environment that is making her uncomfortable. I would never go see your children if the ex wife would be there to. You should never discuss anything with your ex about problems you are having with your present wife. This only makes the two of you look unstable.Your ex also has no business making statements to you about her marking off her territory. You should not allow anyone especially an ex wife to put her down in any way. Your present wife is probably picking up a gut feeling of unpleasantness about your ex wife. You are way to close for comfort to your ex if she knows your personal business at home. Women are very emotional and sense things most often before men do. She may be telling you that she is frustrated about time and money spent on the other children, but be meaning something entirely different. Often women say things and mean the opposite. She could be saying.....I and the baby want more special time with you....... And I am uncomfortable with yoy being at the ex's house because the two of you once shared a past and an intimate relationship once. You really may need to express more words of love and let her know that she is the most important person you ever shared your life with. Approach her, talk with her and hold her.Tell her that you wished she was the mother of all of your children but..........unfortunately you didn't meet her first! Tell her all of your children mean the world to you and you need her to be there to help me be the best father that I can be. Tell her you need her support with them and that there is enough love to go around for everybody. Ask her what you should do ........and what can I do for all of us to make it work........If one day isn't a good day to have the other kids over would you tell me what day of the week would be ok for you then. remember your relationship comes first ......stablize everything between the two of you and the rest will fall into place. The relationship with all your other children should include only you,the kids and the present wife. All holidays and birthdays can be on days for your imediate family only.........they never should be shared with the ex wife involved. The ex needs to know her place and that is your responsibility to make sure she understands that. also be sure your kids don't hear anything negative from the ex or you to make your present wife not feel respected. Second marriages are much harder than the first because of past issues ect..... Stay united because divided you fall. Good luck and best wishes.

Answer 3

Sounds to me like your wife has some deep seeded insecurity issues going on that may require the use of a professional. Nobody has the right to keep you away from your children and this childish streak she's unleashed is just the tip of the iceberg honey. The comment about her being frustrated over time and money took me back. How does an adult justify that comment? What if it were her child you didn't see? What problem could she possible have about a man who holds family in such high regard? It's time to have that heart to heart honey and be firm about your children....all your children being in your lives. She knew it was a package deal when she signed up for it, and either she's with you on this, or she's not. There is no middle ground. And there never should be when children are involved.

Answer 4

This is a really emotional one for me because I was in this spot. My ex-husband had kids from a previous marriage and I fully accepted his kids, did everything with them, went a picked them up when she wanted to go out.Then I got pregnant and all of a sudden everything I did was wrong and she would call my ex-husband about everything. I cooked wrong. I was mean. I didn't want him spending time with them and no matter how I tried to defend myself it only got worse. She was actually the jealous one because we were trying to build a life and a family together and she wasn't happy and didn't like the way the kids and I got along.

Please give your wife a chance and listen what she is saying.

Answer 5

No, your wife is important, there has to be a time you take marraige seriously. Of course you see your kids, she cannot control you but you do not simply walk out on another marraige. You just go to see them, and that is that, because how many broken marraiges are you going to have behind you? You have to work at a marriage. I'm sure your X is reveling at this trouble. [You know some school age and older children are told to manipulate the parent.] This is why I would never marry a guy with any kids from a previous relationship.. Never. Decide on a sane plan, together.

Answer 6

i agree with everything that yes your wife needs to accept the kids.but you said your" ex warned you about your wife." and " it sounded crazy before, but now" implying your ex said this stuff some time ago. i think you need to quit listening to your ex- she should not be telling you her opinions about your new wife, she is crossing a line that you should not let her cross. i think you may be contributing to your own problems. if your wife is trying then help her to feel more a part of things and involve her in the money spending and time spent with the kids. try asking yourself why you are listening to your ex instead of finding a solution with your wife.

Answer 7

See if you can get her to go to marriage counseling. Hopefully, the counselor will suggest your wife seek individual counseling to cope with her emotions, including jealousy and possessiveness.

There are a few good support boards at ivillage.com for step-parenting, etc.

Good luck to you both.

Answer 8

thats her problem. shes selfish and greedy. how the hell can she as a mother ask you not to spend as much time with them as possible. you sound like a good father. get rid of her if she can't understand. thats sounds cold and mean but really you are a father before a husband right?

Answer 9

" I can't be with her if she can't accept my kids."

Yep! Kids are the number 1 priority here. Advocate for them now and never stop.
Maybe you could get her to go to a family counsellor and see what they recommend.

Good luck to you.

Answer 10

Then she's pretty darn immature, isn't she? Sounds like you have a major problem, and it's unlikely it will improve without help. Suggest counseling.