I am a jealous person and have been called a control freak. How can I not be so jealous of my fiancee?

Question

My wife left me 2 years ago because she cheated on me and became pregnant. This has left me very jealous. I am in love with a beautiful, gorgeous woman but my past seems to be effecting our relationship. I know she would never cheat on me, but I still think about the worse possible outcome- er leaving me. I am getting married to her in Feb of 08 and I want this jealousy of mine to end before we get married

Answer 1

I understand, first of all, you have to understand that you're not alone. Many other guys, and women have had the same thing happen to them.

During the early years of high school, my girlfriend cheated on me (sexually). Then again during college, my girlfriend cheated on me. Then again during Law School, my girlfriend cheated on me with one of my classmates!

At first I thought, maybe i'm just a boring person. Then I started to think that I needed to work out a little bit more, work on my interests, or find new friends. I then started to doubt the women i'd meet, and always look out for if they did anything that would leave open the possibility of them cheating. But I realized that this wasn't the way I wanted to live.

Given, out of the 7 people that i've dated, 3 have cheated on me. That's nearly half! But I know that something went wrong in these relationships. I know that looking back on it, If I could be with that person today, I wouldn't want to; not because they cheated, but because we really aren't compatible or satisfy eachother fully.

Think about that. If you could, would you want to be back with your ex? Didn't think so. Now, think about how wonderful the person you have next to you is. Think how great she is, and how luck you are to have been "freed" from a life with someone you didn't connect with, and given the chance to meet and fall in love with someone so wonderful; who completes you, and whom you can complete fully.

Do you really want to let your past, the history of someone who was not worth it, ruin what the two of you have now? Think of it this way; is it really fair for the women you love now, to suffer for the wrong-doings of someone else?

I'm a safe driver, and I try to explain to my insurance company that the premium they charge me is unfair, because I never drive over 30, "on the highway!", and never over 15, local. They however feel that men in the past have had more accidents than women, and have a higher risk, so that I must pay this unfair price which I don't deserve.

This is a simplification of how "She", (you didn't use her name), must feel. She won't cheat on you, she's not even that type of person, but you treat her like she is. This is insulting to her, you are suggesting that she doesn't respect you, love you, or have any principles. You take away the most powerful force keeping couples honest; respect.

Think about double-jeapardy. If you've been convicted of murder, served your punishment, and then had the chance to kill that person, what is stopping you from doing it? Nothing! The same goes for respect. If you treat "her" like she has cheated on you, or like she is one to cheat on you, then you have broken your respect for her, and unlimately, she won't feel like she's "loosing" any respect from you by cheating.

I'm not saying that she'll ever cheat, i'm just trying to show you how she feels. It's actually very depressing, being accussed or punished for something you're not guilty of. Treating her like she might cheat; always being cautious of her, jealous of her, is like you're punishing her, for something she'll never do!

The easiest way to get over it, is to take an active approach. Listen to what i'm about to tell you, and just do it. You'll be surprised how easy it is to set things right, and keep them that way.

Go to her, right after you're done reading this message, and tell her something along the lines of, "I'm sorry i've been acting jealous. You really don't deserve that from me. I love you, and I know you love me. I trust you blindly with my life. I know how honest you are, and that you're just not that kind of person. I promise, to never let wrongful jealousy come over our relationship; only if you promise to slap me if I ever forget to keep my promise."

It's that simple. By doing this, you just openly prevent yourself from acting jealous towards her again. You will have this open and public promise in the back of your mind. Everytime you start to get jealous, you will remember the promise you made, and you'll start to feel bad and correct your thoughts. Very quickly, and quite naturally, this open promise you will make to her will not only immediately take jealousy out of your relationship, but permanantly remove it from your thoughts in a relatively short amount of time.

I hope this was helpful. Don't waste an other minute, and go make her that promise. You owe her, the woman of your dreams, that much to make things better between the two of you! Best of Luck with your relationship!

Answer 2

Don't be honey you did the right thing. It may be hard right now but once you get over the grieving period you'll realise your better off with out him. If he made you feel anything less than the person you know you are then the guy is a looser. You have three kids to think about and set an example for. Both you and your kids desreve some one who will treat you well and make you feel good about your self. Don't sell your self short and accept any thing less than what your willing to put into a relationship your self. Be happy confident and enjoy life!! Love and happiness

Answer 3

Dude, don't make your woman pay for what some slutt done. However, everyone is different and you have every right to be jealous. I say better jealous than all these open marriage freaks. Sometimes when you got something worth holding on to your protective of it. Just try to be fair man. I'm jealous, but I don't let it control me. You have to keep control and most importantly not let jealousy fill your head full of crazy stuff that's not going on.

Answer 4

This might very well help you if you try it. Get a copy of The attractor Factor from the library or buy it. It is by Joe Valtale. Go to page 128 and do the exercise there. It really does work. Good luck. I can't just write it because it is copywrited.

Answer 5

Hi, If you really love this women, and you want the relationship to work, my advice would be to see a counsellor, they really do help, you need help in changing your thinking pattern, I know from experience, that it's easy to say that "you know they wont cheat on you" and she propably wouldn't, but what you are saying and what your mind is thinking are 2 differnt things, you need to let go of the past and forgive your ex-wife so that you can move on with your new wife, if you don't forgive her it will tourment you. Forgive your ex, so you can enjoy your life and be happy with your new wife.
Goodluck, I hope I have helped

Answer 6

Actually your problem is in your own mind you do not have any self worth and you have zero confidence in your self. You also have a problem with being alone.

Before you can be happy with another person you will need to learn to be comfortable with who you are. You are extremely hurt and need to learn how to get over your own lack of self esteem and lack of self confidence.

You need to learn how to be alone before you can be in a relationship. Be single for a while find yourself and learn to love that. If you get married in the near future then I feel sorry for the poor woman that will experience your inability to trust her.

If she is willing to be with someone like you then she has problems of her own but you asked the question so I won't worry about her right now.

DO NOT GET MARRIED!!!!!

It will be a disaster...

Answer 7

I used to have the same problem as you, I was cheated on and never trusted anyone until I met my gf now and I trust her more than anyone in the world. I'm sorry, but you don't sound very convincing to me that you think she wouldn't cheat on you. I think you should talk to her about this. Otherwise, it might cause problems down the road. Honesty is hard, but its better in the long run.

Answer 8

Hon, I think you really ought to talk to a therapist. Alone or with your fiance. Jealousy will tear a realationship apart. Do it quickly, or your jealousy might just push her right out the door.

Answer 9

Pray on it! that is the best and only solution that will make things better in your life. .....counseling...for both of you two and maybe the first few weeks alone. communication amoung both of you...and I hope she understands where you are coming from, because if she doesn't then that can make things even worst. God Bless.

Answer 10

Without trust there can be no love. You will drive away the person you most want to be with. Get counseling.