I am absolutely losing it and I really need some help....(single Mom of 4)?

Question

My husband left us about a year ago....he lives close by with his girlfriend and has the kids Wed. nights & every other weekend - he pay child support but does nothing else. I kept the house (long story - he left 2 years ago also and I re-fied to 'buy him out' for $25 K) so I have the $1650 mtg with $2000 for support . I have 4 kids, a house in disrepair, a 6 year old that is so stubborn and willfull that I truly don't know what to do and no job. I have been selling on eBay & doing cake decorating to make ends meet but it isn't enough. I am having difficulty finding work that will pay more than a sitter since I quite working 10 years ago to become a stay-at-home-Mom.........

Holy crap......I try to keep up with them all, homework, laundry, housecleaning, meals,etc... I could go on & on. I am at my wits end and I just can't seem to get the 6 yr. old to mind me - my oldest (a 13 yr. old son) seems to think he needs to take over the "Dad's" role, there are not enough hours in the day

or dollars in the checkbook to keep up with everything. I have thought of selling the house but in order to rent in the same town we live (to keep them in the really good school district) I am looking at renting for only $400 less than I pay to own the house. There is practically no equity in the house - we have a pool & spa - all purchased prior to ex leaving and I am losing it. Please don't get me wrong - I count my many blessing every day that I have such a lovely roof over our heads and healthy kids but I am a raving lunatic 90% of the time.

The 6 year old is such a (loveable) but HUGE pain in the rear. Shares a room w/ 3 sisters and trashes it so often I have lost count. Am trying to NOT neglect the other kids, creating a schedule but I am losing it. I would so appreciate any words of advice....and yes, I am well aware I should have kept my legs closed (responses I have gotten in the past).

Please help...........thanks.

Answer 1

It seems an awful lot that you need to take care both financially and dosmestically...
Financially, you need to list down and spend ONLY the essential, other than that..keep to a minimum..or perhaps during occasions such as BD etc..

Next comes with the mind set.... you need to just do what ever you have to.... and think positively that you are doing it for your lovely kids.... and at the same time if you can get them sort of to join you in what ever chaos you are doing.. it wil lbe fun for t hem too and perhaps they will a learn a thing or two from you...

If you really feel stressed out.... go do some healthy exercise just to sweat it out.. it helps to keep you in perspective. Though the thopuhght of it may be tiring, however once get into habbit, it is so much fun especially doing it together with the family...

Remember it all comes from the MIND.... keep it possitive... think one step at a time.. one day at a time... do NOT bring the future problems to be the HUGE BURDEN of today... Future problem...may never happens..or it may solved by itself....

So be happy in what ever you are doing..

take care..

Answer 2

Wow, If I could come over and help with the kids a while, I would! Do you have friends? My best friend went through a divorce with 4 kids and a few of us were right there to help with sitting, cleaning, house repairs...that kinda thing. I think first, don't be afraid to ask for some help. Be it the ex, parents, friends, church, whatever. Ask. Are all of the kids school age? Can you find a job during school hours? If you have young ones at home, you might consider watching kids yourself. Take a look at your finances. How much additional money do you need every month? If he's paying you 2000 that'll take care of the house and some expenses. (You also might want to make sure you are in the best mortgage situation-make sure you have the insurance and taxes in escrow so you don't have big lump sum payments) Find some kind of work to supplement the child support, even if its just part time. Get organized. I have four kids too and I know its no picnic. Its mostly insane. I'm sure the kids are going through an adjustment period. All you can do is hold on and keep being the parent you want to be!. Find ways to reward them for helping around the house. (Lots of free things in the community that are fun for kids..parks, concerts etc) Make a point to have some FUN through all this stress! Older kids can, and must in your case, be doing laundry. Bigger ones can help with little ones homework some nights. Meals can be made ahead of time and put in the freezer. The 6 year old just needs extra love right now. Just hold it together. Start making lists of things you need to accomplish. Whatever the area might be. Put it on a list. For some reason, when we write things down, they become real and six months later, you look back and the list is done!!! I've seen women come out of this situation happier and healthier than ever! You can do it!!!!

Answer 3

Some suggestions, in no particular order...

1. If money is the issue, is it possible to repetition the court to have your child support increased? I'm not a lawyer, so I'm not sure if that is even a legal option.

2. If time without the kids is the issue, then perhaps the ex should spend more time with them. Just because he is no longer your husband does not mean that he is no longer his children's father.

3. If the house is the issue, then perhaps an alternative to renting or staying in your current house would be to move into a house that was worth less money than the one you are currently in. If you could sell your house and move into one that costs less, that would give you some money to work with.

4. If the behavior with the 6 year old is the issue, it sounds like things are hectic around your house and he is either reacting to it or taking advantage of it. Hopefully, some combination of the above three suggestions will bring some stability. Short of that and without going into a doctorial thesis about the behavior patterns of 6 year olds, you might just try a simple system of punishments and rewards.

It sounds like getting him to follow directions is your biggest concern, so start with this. Find something he really likes...say chocolate ice cream...and make a deal with him. If you follow all of my directions today, you can have a bowl of ice cream before you go to bed. If not, you don't get the ice cream. Do not give him chocolate ice cream under any other circumstances, and be prepared for a major blow up when he doesn't get it. It may work and it may not. However, at least it is a start.

I wish you well.

Answer 4

Geez, I wish I could offer some better advice, but you really really need to consider moving into a smaller home, or renting a condo or townhome. This mortgage is too much for you, and it's such a shame that you two split with all of these kids, and "stuff." Have you asked your ex to watch the kids for an extra night each week to give you a night off? Have you found work at all? I'm glad to hear you are selling stuff, and decorating cakes to make ends meet, you're a super mom. Do you have any friends or family that could help you out? 4 kids is quite the handful, and you're in a really stressful spot.
You need to remember that your kids would fall apart without such a great mom, and that you need to take a moment to thank God for your blessings, and to remember that life is too short to be stressed out about all of the chores, and bills. Take it a day at a time. I really, really, hope the best for you, and will keep you in my prayers.

Answer 5

I'm a stay at home mother of three boys (7,12,13) and more than likely will soon be in a similar position to you. I was wondering about trying to avoid the mortgage situation. I was going to look into renting out my house to cover its costs and renting with my boys nearby (same school concerns) that way I may be able to negative gear my house.
Perhaps if you live near me we can rent a motel together and both work part time.Lol
I watched a program the other day about a group called "tough love" it might be worth checking out in regards to your children. Trying putting the 6 yr olds stuff he leaves around in a big box and hide it away. I did - it worked for a while, like all the other quick fixes that are around (Don't forget he is probably struggling with the situation too).

Answer 6

Here's a big HUG for you and your children.
Someday your kids will take care of you and always
remember how wonderful of a Mom you are.

As for the Ex- he'll pay for his unhappiness and guilt the
rest of his life. And your kids will never let him live that down.
Any woman he finds will always think in her head what kind
of a man is he?really? And will leave him.

Although it is very trying and difficult- you must look at the glass as half full. You are blessed- and you will win-no matter what.
Try working during school hours providing assistance to seniors living at home, Home care nursing providers. These jobs are extremely flexible and the pay is good. I have a friend with 5 kids, one is(eldest)mentally challenged, another is A.d.d or something like that on meds, and two more little ones. She loves her job, it very flexible and she got a pay increase to $17.00hr. And she bought her own home last year.
Keep your home, the kids need that comfort and no more changes-at least for now. Hang in there and check out as many resources friends and family. and the Ex-husband needs to spend more time with his kids. Go to legal aid and take him to court/order for him to get the kids more often.

Hugs

Answer 7

First of all, I feel for you! I know what its like to struggle and be a single parent. If I were in your situation, I'd think of selling the house and get out of debt. You can't support your babies on that income and pay a huge mortgage like that. Find an affordable place to live.
Take advantage of whatever resources you can get. Start off with Human Services.They really do have alot of places that they can refer you to.
Are the kids in school? If they are, use that time to call your local college and talk to a councelor about programs that help women get back into the workforce. If they aren't, you can look into daycare programs that are state funded so that you can work or get a refresher course.
Get your kids on a regular routine and give them each a chore to do so you don't loose your mind! As hard as it may be,take time for yourself and take care of you. I wish you the best!
Don't give up!

Answer 8

Honey, you need some help. Are there any close family members who could give you support. I'm talking morally as well as maybe taking the kids for an excursion once in a while. You may need to look at taking a job but I understand that can sometimes never offset the child care fees. Is there anyone you can talk to that can help get your situation back into perspective so you aren't feeling so lost? Your kids are reacting to their loss and it's hard to blame them for their actions but you must keep them on the straight as well as you can. Are you a member of a church? If you are, there is help there to get you through these really tough times. Please don't give up. Try to find family, church, or friends that can get you through this incredibily difficult time.

Answer 9

Can you find a part-time job during the day, when the kids are at school?

Use community resources to help you figure out what's brought your 6-yo off track so far. Maybe he's just lost his sense of security in all of this, which could lead to him questioning or forgetting his sense of what's right, what's wrong & who he should be trying to please with his behavior decisions. Could you find time to have him join the scouts or a Big Brother program. Talk to his teacher, too, to see if s/he's got some resources or insight for you. Extra hands, extra eyes, an extra person who cares about him could make all the difference.

Answer 10

The best advice I can give you is to sell the house, you need a cheaper mortgage, I tried to hang on to my house after the divorce, my mortgage was $1333 a month, I went bankrupt, I now live in a 2 bedroom apartment with my son. What I am trying to say is cut those big payments down, before things get out of control....Jesus loves you